Food & Drink Sep 10, 2009 at 4:00 am

Make It Your Own Damn Self (with Help from Maria Hines)

Jack Hornady

Comments

1
Good beef doesn't need anything but salt. The perfect burger is definitely one you grind yourself. If you have the time, a combination of chuck, sirloin, brisket, and short rib is heavenly. Usually though I just grind up brisket. Two passes through the coarse plate of the kitchen aid meat grinder works best for me. I actually prefer them griddled to grilled. The nice crust you get is something I prefer. If you truly need the smokey flavor, a little smoked salt will suffice.
2
In theory you don't need any seasoning or even a butcher- The perfect burger is one ground out of the tastiest cows you have on hand. Make sure your cow is tender, and then throw it in a grinder and you're good to go.

Oh wait- I'm sorry... you don't have a complete cow? And you don't have four cuts of beef like the douchebag at 1 either?

In that case, use the Stranger's recipe for your burgers and you can sleep well knowing you aren't a complete tool.

(Although, the more PBR you use, the more of a tool you become.)
3
In theory you don't need any seasoning or even a butcher- The perfect burger is one ground out of the tastiest cows you have on hand. Make sure your cow is tender, and then throw it in a grinder and you're good to go.

Oh wait- I'm sorry... you don't have a complete cow? And you don't have four cuts of beef like the douchebag at 1 either?

In that case, use the Stranger's recipe for your burgers and you can sleep well knowing you aren't a complete tool.

(Although, the more PBR you use, the more of a tool you become.)
4
Mixing all that junk in is great for meatloaf--not so much for burgers.

Handling the ground meat so much with all that mixing gives it a cat food texture. Just scoop the meat and make the patty with as little handling as possible. Salt and pepper only. This will make your burgers have a more meaty texture and flavor.

Of course the burger with added duck fat won. It had duck fat--drool.
5
@2(&3): agreed. Overthinking a fucking hamburger is completely beside the point. The simpler the better.
6
all you need is shredded iceburg lettuce and thousand island
7
Number one took those words right out of the mouth of Alton Brown. Sounds like another pretencious bastard i know.
8
Arbeck is a tool because he knows how to make an awesome burger? Really?

I just made burgers last weekend with ground chuck, brisket, and short ribs and they were ridiculously good. If you're too lazy or think that "overthinking" equates to buying a different kind of beef than just chuck, then you might be the tool. Just a thought.
9
Worcestershire is the secret, you tools! Use as much as you can before the meat gets too soggy to stay formed in a patty. Eggs don't belong in a burger. I don't like mingling my farm animals in one bite. If you want a little extra, add in the Lipton Onion Soup mix.
10
i like to add fresh oregano, diced onions (not very many), salt, and pepper to 10% lean ground beef. makes for a damn tasty burger if i say so myself.
11
I'm with you. I thought I was the last person in Americam to add crumbs, eggs, and minced onion to ground beef for burgers because it makes them lighter and tastier. My Mom made them that way and we loved them. I don't know that it's really a moneysaver, but who cares when they are sooooooo good.

Besides, I make it a point to NOT cook like a Food TV robot.
12
salt, pepper and cayenne mixed in the beef. And a good bun. That's it. It's a fucking burger.
13
Am I blind or is the homemade ketchup recipe not with the online article as stated?
14
@13: Hell, sorry, they're there now under RELATED ARTICLES—I guess no one's champing at the bit to make their own buns and ketchup! If you do, please do tell.
15
Actually, Alton Brown just mixes sirloin and chuck. I got the idea of short ribs and brisket from Heston Blumenthal. But as I said, really just grinding brisket gives you a really great burger. I find the waygu brisket at Uwajimaya very well priced ($5.99/lb normally) a good price and it makes a great burger. It's tender enough that one grind on a coarse setting is all you need. That and a little salt.
16
Smitty @4 is right: you're making meatloaf, not burgers. And handling, squeezing, pressing -- all are disastrous for a good burger. Adding bread crumbs to lighten it back up again is just gross. "Cat food texture" -- exactly right. Ugh.

Just press it slightly in the middle -- I use the heel of a drinking glass. That makes the center section thin enough to not be raw when the crumbly, flaky outside ring is perfectly underdone.

Worcestershire, onions, smoked salt -- whatever floats your boat. Worcestershire and black pepper are enough for me. Garnish with slice of (working up from the meat) onion, slice of tomato, slab of lettuce (iceberg for crunch), ketchup. Toast your bun, duh. If you need cheese, try a little crumbled blue.

PBR is shit. If you like that, why not take any other cheap beer and dump sugar in it? Drink the cheapest Cabernet Franc from the Loire Valley you can find, and you're all set. Seriously, PBR tastes like bum pee.
17
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm, Nice language, does your A$$ ever get jealous of the $#!T that comes out of your mouth?
18
Suck it, Word Police.
19
afin que nous puissions parler dessayer de gagner quatre dans une rangée? Les Sounders aurez maintenant quelques jours pour profiter de leur victoire? ??Il additionne tout à un coup d Estrada? Estrada couru devant deux défenseurs de Toronto. Le milieu de terrain Mauro Rosales a fait son retour dans lalignement contre les Sounders de lincendie. Settle Sounders de match nul contre Sporting KC maillot equipe de france rouge, Heureux avec le fait que nous étions en mesure de revenir de descendre un objectif . ce moule et apporte beaucoup dexpérience de la ligue en Allemagne. Les Sounders 3-1-1 nont pas joué depuis Avril 14 , Ils ont apprécié de près de deux semaines de congé! Il a dit ?Cest ce que les grands matches sont tout!<br />
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