You, a male ballerino wearing a turtleneck in August, decided to use Freud as your academic companion as you stood over me and screamed that I, like all women in the entire world, suffer from penis envy. As I sat on a bench in Ballard, you held your hand an inch from my throat and told me how Freud said every woman hates every man because we wish we "had dicks." When I reminded you that generalizing about an entire gender by using century-old "science" is frowned upon, and that Freud's more outré theories are widely discredited, the golden zipper holding your turtleneck together shook with rage. If having a penis makes you scream at strangers about having a penis, you and Freud can count me out.

—Anonymous

To submit an unsigned confession or accusation, send an e-mail to ianonymous@thestranger.com. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty.