We've been friends for a long time. And, sure, you partied a little hard—not Seattle hard, but kid-who-moved-here-from-Cali-in-the-aughts hard. Now you're sober, and I'm happy for you. But to be real, dude, sober you sucks. All you do is talk about being sober and "posi" while shit-talking the rest of your non-sober social circle. I've heard the saying that there's nothing worse than a sober drunk—and, fuck, does it apply to you. I'm sorry you couldn't handle your shit, but it doesn't mean other people can't. I respect your wishes, and I don't smoke weed or drink before we hang out. I do my best to be supportive, but all you fucking talk about is being sober and working out and being an "Ironhead," because all of a sudden you're into motorcycles? You literally work out twice a day every day and obsessively tinker on your bike. I feel like you've traded one addiction for another. And that's fine by me, but could you shut the fuck up about it already?

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Day In • Day Out returns this summer, August 12th thru 14th!
Featuring The National, Mitski, Mac DeMarco and more! Full lineup and tickets at dayindayoutfest.com