Fuck you, parking enforcement officer, who I won't call out by name but who I and the rest of the neighborhood know very well. Fuck you for giving me a parking ticket outside of the coffee shop when I SAW YOU in the act and told you I'd move my car immediately. Fuck you for then ticketing me again a few days later for being "within 15 feet of a fire hydrant"—in a parking spot on this street that's almost always occupied and does not in fact block the fire hydrant, and in which I'd never been ticketed previously. A few conversations around the neighborhood reveal that you're pretty infamous for being a douchebag. A bit of googling shows that your surname is already dirty. Is that why you're stuck as a grumpy parking enforcement officer? Shame on you, man. You're a joke.

To submit an unsigned confession or accusation, send an e-mail to ianonymous@thestranger.com. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty.