To the narcissist who stole a baseball from my 10-month old baby boy during a Mariners game last month: I hope that every time Julio Rodríguez steps to the plate during his decade of dominance in a Mariners uniform, a part of your soul is crushed by the shame you carry for stealing the ball that he so clearly tossed to my son, not to you. 

My kid won’t remember the moment, but I’m sure you will. Me and the world’s cutest baby sat behind you the whole game. You turned around and smiled at him multiple times, and he smiled back. We were all having a great time, until Rodríguez tossed me a baseball from the field. I dropped it because I had a 10-month old on my shoulders, and then you picked it up and claimed it as your own. 

When you took those selfies with that baseball, did your iPhone autofocus on how ugly you are inside? I hope the sunscreen we so graciously let you use just innings earlier contains an ingredient that prints the phrase “I stole a baseball from a baby” across your forehead. Fuck you. Go Mariners. 

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