Dear Homeowners: You do not own the public street in front of your house, and so you are not owed a parking space there. That little area is not yours, and you have zero right to demand that other people who have lawfully parked there need to leave. 

Should you choose to vandalize my car–as some of you have done in the past–please know that adding another dent or scratch to the side of my $5,000, hail-damaged, base model Ford Fiesta isn’t really a big concern. In fact, the idea that I frustrated you and wasted your time brings me great delight. 

I do not give a shit what you pay in taxes, nor do I care how long you’ve lived there. If anything, I get excited when you perceive my car as an eyesore against the backdrop of your pristine domicile. I sincerely hope I’m bringing down your property values. 

If you really need parking, then consider moving out of the city—hopefully sometime before the next election. 

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