Last Month This Month is a recap of all the previous month's news, featuring headlines from Slog AM. Find it in every issue of The Stranger! Subscribe to our daily Slog AM newsletter here.
Notable attorney (O.J. Simpson, DJT, Jeffrey Epstein) and living raisin Alan Dershowitz planned to sue a farmers market on Martha’s Vineyard after a nonbinary, anti-Zionist vendor refused to sell him pierogi. They fought. He misgendered the vendor. A third party corrected him. The police corrected him. “That’s a matter between me and my grammarian,” Dershowitz said. He went back to apologize. He started another fight. The shortest, saddest story ever told: two pierogi, never sold.
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We now know the price of an American soul. Trump is ICE-ing down those student loans by offering a new forgiveness program for anyone who wants to become one of his favorite Gestapos—ICE agents—on top of the $50,000 bonus they’re already goose-stepping to the bank.
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Oh, what a Seattle primary election that was. Katie Wilson handed Mayor Bruce Harrell his own cloven ass. Former federal prosecutor Erika Evans demolished the Trump-y incumbent Ann Davison. Through years of terrible leadership, Sara Nelson constructed her own pillory, and her challenger, Dionne Foster, has the key. Well, well, well, Seattle politics have a chance to not suck (as much) shit anymore. As long as you vote in the general election this November!
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The Army Corps of Engineers raised the water level on Ohio’s Little Miami River (stupid name for a river) so Vice President JD Vance (stupid name for a man) could “support safe navigation” for his family’s kayaking adventure to celebrate Vance’s 41st birthday, instead of going to Ashley Furniture like he wanted to.
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Oh, the dildos. Since late July, men have lobbed three neon green dildos onto WNBA courts. Players laughed it off the first time. By the third time, they were done with the sexism. One guy’s dildo hit a little girl in the leg, and he became one of three men to alley-oop their way into a pair of handcuffs for sex-toy-tossing in the paint. Nobody laughed when eight federal agents destroyed a pro-immigrant banner in a public park in Washington, DC, and, like Indiana Jones swapping a sandbag for a golden idol, left behind a dildo.
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Armed National Guard troops and a flurry of federal agents spent half the month in Washington, DC, spreading the bedlam and terror this “crackdown” on crime is supposed to stop. This occupation supports the president’s preoccupation with dick-swinging and arresting immigrants. Sure, cracking down on a city with a falling crime rate is ridiculous. But not anywhere near as ridiculous as the real reason this is happening—a teenage DOGE staffer nicknamed “Big Balls” getting beat up by youths in a rich area. Trump & Miserable Sons have threatened other cities with the same treatment. Look out, Seattle, we’re one of the “crap holes” that could be stuffed full of Feds next!
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Israel killed four Al Jazeera journalists in an airstrike outside al-Shifa hospital in Gaza City, including the prolific reporter Anas Al-Sharif, 28, who was previously threatened by Israel. Israel claimed Al-Sharif, a young man with a young family, was a Hamas leader, a claim with absolutely no credible evidence, raising more suspicion that Israel is committing war crimes. Israel has slain 237 journalists since October 7.
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US Attorney General Pam Bondi sent letters to 32 mayors and seven governors of “sanctuary” cities and states telling them to cut that woke shit out right this instant or Mommy is going to take away your toys (essential funding for unspecified programs). Washington Governor Bob Ferguson said Fuck You Mom, See You in Court. Unfortunately, the Trump administration is not big on the law, just order.
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This trans panic is really paying off, though. An 18-year-old cis woman in Minnesota sued Buffalo Wild Wings after a server, who thought she was trans, allegedly harassed her in the women’s restroom until she unzipped her hoodie to display her breasts, “proving” her gender.
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Scientists have uncovered a species of ancient whale with big eyes and a mouthful of slicing teeth. They say they were deceptively cute. We think they were probably not very good at head. Whales fuck crazy.
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Tech start-up Nectome wants to preserve people’s brains and back up their minds so scientists of the future can upload them into computer simulations. Sounds great until you find out the procedure is 100 percent fatal. It only costs $10,000 to join the waitlist. For hell?
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Spanish bullfighting is seeing a complicated renaissance thanks to two popular, recently gored matadors who fucking hate each other as much as they love killing the bulls and dragging their dead bodies around the arena via horse. It’s a man’s sport, and stigmatized, too. Forbidden fruit and all that. Or society’s deepening thirst for blood.
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The first-of-its-kind World Humanoid Robot Games booted up in Beijing: 500 humanoid robots, 280 teams, 16 countries, showcasing national prowess in robotics. The opening ceremony included a robot soccer match. It looked like shit.
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To abide by a court order, Seattle installed a four-foot-high chain-link and tarpaulin anti-masturbation fence at Denny Blaine. “Nooooo!” screamed the public masturbators when they discovered a fence they could hide behind.
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Bandits stole $7,000 worth of Labubu dolls from an LA store. We hesitate to bash Labubus in print, lest you think us old and out of touch, but that seems like an investment that won’t pay off.
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Trump is attacking mail-in voting, even though it helped him win in 2024. And in 2020, of course.
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Winnie Greco, a now-disgraced former longtime adviser to New York City Mayor Eric Adams, pressed a potato chip bag full of money into the hands of a local reporter in New York City. Greco’s attorney said that the bag of cash “was not a bag of cash,” and definitely wasn’t a bribe. It was a “gesture of friendship and gratitude.”
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There’s a new eight-foot, 650-pound statue of WNBA superstar Sue Bird posed in a forever ponytail-swishing layup outside Climate Pledge Area that, like all statues, will become a sort of Honey Bucket for birds.
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NASA found a new moon for Uranus. The big ball of ice that’s 1.5 billion miles away from us now has 29 moons. The new one is pretty small—six miles wide. But it’s still a moon, and we should welcome it to the family that is our solar system.
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Tacoma paid $600,000 to one of the cops who killed Manuel Ellis, a Black man walking to a convenience store, in 2020. He and his wife say the trial and media attention caused “severe emotional distress.” He could breathe, though.
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A grand jury in DC did not indict folk hero Sean Dunn, aka sandwich guy, for losing his absolute shit and hurling his hero at a federal officer. Subversive stuff.
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During a routine inspection, the Colorado Department of Regulatory Agencies found Pueblo County’s coroner Brian Cotter hid bodies in a secret room of his private funeral home. Upon arrival, inspectors noted a “strong smell of decomposition.” Then, they spotted a door obscured by a cardboard display. When they went to open it, Cotter asked them not to go in there. They did. Inside they found 24 bodies “in various states of decomposition.” Some had been there for as long as 15 years. Cotter said they were awaiting cremation.
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Washington finally got an In-N-Out. Honestly, the newsroom is split on this one.
