Because Bob Marley’s music catalog doesn’t generate enough revenue (cough), the people running his estate have decided to extend the legendary reggae artist’s brand into the beverage industry.

The Marley’s Mellow Mood line consists of four flavors of drink (or “dietary supplement,” if you will): citrus, berry, black tea, and green tea. The Stranger recently received a box containing 12 oz. cans of the first two and 16 oz. bottles of the latter two. I grabbed the black tea. The subhead says it includes “peach raspberry passion fruit.” If so, these elements are very subtly integrated into the liquid. The beverage tastes neither like black tea nor like any of the aforementioned fruity flavors; it’s not unpleasant, nor is it memorable. I didn’t want to spit it out, but I sure as heck didn’t want to rush out for a six pack, either. (I also didn't get the urge to listen to Mr. Marley' s entire canon.)

MMM’s big selling point is that it’s the opposite of the energy drinks glutting the market. Rather, as the name implies, Marley’s Mellow Mood promises to reduce stress and relieve tension—it’s all about “ALL NATURAL RELAXATION,” bredren—as opposed to that nasty synthetic relaxation.

Now, these may be the goals of many people, but for journalists working under onerous deadline conditions, they’re antithetical to our MO. While it’s true we in the media experience quite a bit of stress and tension, we need these things to kick our adrenaline into gear so we can be creative and meet deadlines. Relaxation is a luxury we can’t afford, as the welts on my back from my editor’s whip amply prove. These decaffeinated dietary supplements lack the all-important ingredient to enable us to get the motherfucking job done: caffeine (duh).

On the plus side, MMM forgoes high fructose corn syrup for pure cane sugar. Also appearing: Valerian root extract, lemon balm extract, chamomile flower extract, melatonin, and other things geared to lower your eyelids and loosen your muscles. Oh, great. Now I need to pound some of that Arizona iced tea (aka “Segal’s crack cocaine”) if I want to get my shit turned in (relatively) on time, Jah damn it.