Editor's note: Anna Minard, the latest addition to the Stranger's editorial gaggle, has never heard any music aside from Richard Marx and Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. Thus, starting today and following every Wednesday, we present Never Heard of 'Em, in which we force her to listen to and write her impressions about random records by artists considered to be important by music nerds.

Suicide [First Album]
(Red Star Records)

Suicide by Suicide
Hey, I actually liked this! I was afraid from the album cover and name that it was going to be what I affectionately refer to as “shouty music,” but it totally wasn’t (though there is occasional shouting—no, it’s more like shrieking, which is totally different). If you are a music nerd, you are contractually obligated to tell me, “Ugh, you should have heard of Suicide by now.”* Well, I hadn’t. But now I have. Apparently it’s, um, proto-punk? (I don't know what that means.) It sounds a little bit like church on drugs. There’s something that sounds like an automatic sprinkler going off in the background of almost every song; I think it is a kind of drum? I will go ahead and assume it is their signature move. I can’t tell why it all sounds weird but it does that funny vibratey thing down my spine that good music does, so high five.

Important note: Even though this is obviously a great album, I highly unrecommend listening to it early in the morning, especially if you are hungover or still drunk from last night. Seriously. That sprinkler thing is operating on the exact frequency of the part of your brain that isn’t working right and it’ll mess you up. So when should you listen to it? Here are some ideas:

Listen to the first track, “Ghost Rider,” when you can shut the door of your room and turn it all the way up and then pretend to play all of the instruments** at once. Air everything until you fall over.

Cheree”: Listen to it on repeat while you lie on your bed and think about someone you have a crush on until your stomach hurts. (It's just so... yearn-y.)

Girl”: Listen to it on the bus and then grin at everyone because they can’t tell you’re listening to sex groans.

Frankie Teardrop”: Fast-forward that shit.

All in all, I give this an I-don’t-know-a-fucking-thing-about-music out of 10. You should definitely try listening to it, and then when we meet at a party you should act like you’d already heard of it and make fun of me. Listen to "Ghost Rider" after the cut.

*Actual quote!
**Apparently, there are basically no instruments? Google it. I guess you're just gonna have to play air drum machine, which is HELLA DUMB.