Patty: Hey, kid.

Derek: Hi, mama.

Patty: What's wrong?

Derek: Oh, nothing. Well, okay, I'm depressed. I have some sort of writer's block.

Patty: I'm sorry. What are you writing about?

Derek: Just this show I have to cover for the paper, I don't know how to say what I want to say.

Patty: What is the show?

Derek: Mac Miller, he's a rapper from Pittsburgh.

Patty: I've never heard of him.

Derek: Well, he's pretty famous. He played in a pretty big arena tonight at a music festival, kind of like the Richfield Coliseum near Cleveland.

Patty: Well, that's big.

Derek: Right? And now I'm having this crisis over writing about it.


Patty: What is the crisis?

Derek: Okay, here's the problem. Here's this guy, he's born the same year that I graduated from high school. He's wildly successful, I mean, the kids are going crazy at this festival. Sure, the place he played was only 1/2 full, but still, he's in that big of a place.

Patty: So, just say it wasn't any good.

Derek: Right, but who am I to judge that? I mean, I obviously don't know what's good, otherwise I'd be a wildly successful rapper, you know? If I knew exactly what the best part of things were, I'd compile those and put together some sort of act and be my own Mac Miller, right?

Patty: But somebody is paying you to let people know your opinion about things.

Derek: Sure, but I'd say most of the readers usually disagree! We're talking about opinions here! Mac Miller starts his show with a clip of Jimi Hendrix playing the "Star Spangled Banner" at Woodstock...

Patty: He did?

Derek: Well, he did tonight, probably because Jimi Hendrix is from Seattle. But then after that, it was just a bunch of strobe lights and yelling. He did that thing before nearly every song where he said something like, "HOW ARE YOU FEELING TONIGHT SEATTLE?" People would get excited and cheer. His delivery was so typical and the subject matter was painfully boring. In between the first two songs he played home video clips of himself as a child. He made everybody raise their hands a whole bunch of times. I think the lyrics to one of his songs was just about keeping their hands up. They kept their hands up the whole time!

Patty: That sounds like it would get really tiring. I had a mean teacher in 6th grade that made us hold a stack of books on our extended arms for an hour.


Derek: Right? And everybody was doing it! These kids were a gigantic herd of sheep! And all of his fans are a sort of breed of lazy entitled teens, they just want to sleep all day and get stoned and make a lot of money and have a lot of sex.

Patty: But that's like most kids today.

Derek: Sure, maybe! But the point is, this is where I realized that I've totally lost touch with youth culture! I'm absolutely the old man in the ratty white tank top, milling about the lawn, yelling at teenagers!

Patty: That day has to come eventually, I guess.

Derek: But that person probably shouldn't be writing for a newspaper, informing people on culture.

Patty: But what is the alternative? Having a Mac Miller fan write a review? That wouldn't be right. First of all, those kids today can barely use the English language.

Derek: Okay, that's another thing! Before the show there were these giant TV screens in front of the stage and people could send Tweets to the music festival address and they would play on the screen...

Patty: Oh, no.

Derek: Right? It was just things like, "Mah boyeee Mac Miller cumn up nex 4 real." Another one said, "@macmiller: i want to have your babies."

Patty: I'm so glad I'm not going to be that baby.

Derek: Me too! I love you mama. I think this is the last thing I'm ever going to write for the paper.

Patty: Okay! You should come back to Ohio. It's really pretty here during fall!