I don’t know about you, but I love press releases. For some reason I only get the ones that don’t have anything to do with booking shows at a Seattle dive bar. I was cleaning out ye olde spam folder and found this one from a few weeks ago. Read long with me, will you?

“August 29, 2012 — Detroit, Michigan – Detroit, Michigan has long been associated with a long history of rock music that extends back to he Motown sound to underground groups such as the MC5, Iggy Pop, and many more. The big rock city has another long running history when it comes to the visual arts.”

I certainly hope they’re not teasing me with the possibility of laser Bob Seger. I’ve always wanted to hear "Turn The Page" in the privacy of my own planetarium.

“Now there is a cultural revolution going on within the existing arts community and non-profit companies. The Detroit Doors is a Door Tribute band and has been behind some community initiatives including fundraisers, special performance gigs and assisting non-profit companies.”

OK, wait. You lay out some stuff about the rich musical history of Detroit, and now you’re talking about a Doors cover band? The Doors, who were from Los Angeles. But they have the word Detroit in their name, so... yeah. I bet a Doors tribute band is a non-profit venture, especially in a city like Detroit. Who needs doors when your house got torn down years ago?

“Raising customer awareness and assisting those in need is what the Detroit Doors is all about.”

So it’s not about playing “Riders On The Storm”?

“Since the band has formed it has been doing more than just rocking the masses. It has been helping raise money for the Animal Welfare Society in Madison Heights, Michigan and rescuing animals. This is more than a noble effort it is a significant community extension of good will and making a visible and physical difference in the lives of animals in need.”

Imagine being that lucky pup, getting carried home by a guy wearing a jean jacket with at least three cigarette burn holes in it, sleeping on a garage floor underneath a Zeppelin Swan Song tapestry—listening to a steady stream of Doors music and your owner swearing loudly at the collection agent on the other end of the line.

“This is an ongoing effort that has many legs to it, and getting the word out is a very important part of the mission. Metro Detroit based marketing legend Ted Cantu has stepped forth to create websites and offer online marketing services to further this message and reach people.”

FACT: Only someone in marketing would come up with the term “marketing legend.” Especially when talking about themselves.

“The leader of the Detroit Doors band is local Detroit artist Mike 'Chizzy' Chisholm. The sound is large and full and carries the driving beat and pulsating rhythms that made the '60s band The Doors a sensation.”

I think acid made them a sensation, but why quibble?

“The Detroit Doors is making a difference by helping the Boys and Girls Clubs and assisting the community.”

Great. The last thing a directionless 11-year-old needs is some guy who pretends to be Ray Manzarek on the weekend wanting to toss a Nerf ball around and talk about life choices. Jesus.

“There is more at stake here than just rock and roll and having a good time. The community efforts here are coming together for a common cause and has been generating crowds throughout Metro Detroit”

Those crowds are called unemployment lines, although I suppose they seem more exciting if you add "LA Woman".

ANYHOW, you can adopt a dog without listening to the Doors. In fact, October is Adopt a Shelter Dog Month. Even better, the ASPCA’s website has a searchable database of local canines in need of a home—WARNING: Pictures of cute dogs looking to slip the sleep noose and be your bestest friend forever!