The BAND is The Stranger's open column for local musicians to write about whatever they want, from impromptu standup suggestions for that broken-string dead time to picking a hotel room in downtown Detroit. If you play music in this city and have an idea for The BAND, send in 350 words to

Start with a good resume. It's imperative to project an image of professionalism while trying to obtain new clients. Babysitting isn't for everybody--it's for people who like babies. Make sure you wash your hands when handling infants. Maintaining sanitary conditions is the cardinal rule in pediatric science. Some babies cry when they feel the discomfort of hunger. Other babies have no vocal cords and are unable to express their position. In either case, you should feed babies. Do not poison babies, but if you do, make it look like an accident. Jaundice is common in newborns--so is illiteracy. Should your client's baby wander into the street, do not hit it with your car, but if you do, also make this look like an accident (it may salvage your reputation for future clients). If you don't like the child you are caring for, pretend that you do. Children like that. Many babies have trouble sleeping through the night: If you are faced with this dilemma, do not take the baby to church, because a priest may fuck it. When religious clergymen run a train on your neighbor's toddler, it is decidedly a negative experience. However, taking children outdoors is a positive experience. They enjoy fresh air almost as much as people do. Should the child place objects such as dirt, rocks, lizards, grass, or litter in its mouth, quickly stop it, unless it's really funny, in which case smile and tell the child to proceed. Changing diapers is the pinnacle of all indignities. If you wish not to subject yourself to this deed, stuff the baby in a closet, drawer, trashcan, or microwave. When its parents arrive, promptly retrieve the child from wherever you've placed it and pretend that it just happened. Lastly, most infants are unaware of their own names, so feel free to call them whatever you want. I fancy "torpedo face" and "fucktard." I will be available all summer long.

--Lee Reeder, bassist for the Popular Shapes

The Popular Shapes play Thurs June 6 at the Paradox with Holy Ghost Revival.