I was a little skeptical as to how tonight's activities were gonna go down. The Fusion Cafe (the small show-space inside the downtown YMCA at Fourth and Marion) was hosting a benefit show for the Lambert House and the GLBT Community Center, and the night's headliners were Jackie and the Control Tops and Ursula and the Androids. That's right; the trashiest of trashy Seattle drag queens--who usually headline the 21-and-over Pho Bang show at Re-bar (now a monthly event)--were coming downtown so the all-ages community could bear witness to their grotesque, vile, absurd act.

It was about time.

Personally, I couldn't wait. I'd seen the ladies do their thang a couple of times (they've emceed the main stage at the annual Capitol Hill Block Party for the past two years), but I wasn't sure how their act was going to be received by a younger (and less drunken) crowd.

Jackie Hell and her shoddy three-piece band, the Control Tops, came to the front of the (unfortunately) small crowd. Cheering ensued. I guess the kids knew what was coming after all. Or maybe they always cheer whenever a drag queen takes the stage.

"Don't fuck with me, bitch, or I'll stab your baby in the face with a fork!" Jackie spit into the mic during her own rendition of the alphabet song. "U stands for Ursula eats shit!"


I laughed. Then I eyed the room to catch reactions. Most kids were laughing; some were just looking shocked, with stupefied smiles pasted on their faces. The whole scene was one of the funniest things I've seen all year (the year being only four days old at this point, mind you).

Jackie's punk-rock songs were short, and since she only played a few of 'em, her set was over before a lot of the crowd could gather back inside from the street. By the time the audience had reinflated to its original number (a disappointing 25 or so), Ursula and the Androids were just about to begin.

The grotesque (and I mean that so lovingly) Miss Android began her set with a sweet dedication. "This first song is dedicated to the teenagers of tomorrow," she growled. "The wee li'l babies."

Then, as snotty as punk rock can get, she spit out the chorus: "Babies are trying to eat me, babies are trying to eat me, babies are trying to eat me! What can I do?"

"Babies are evil and spread disease," she continued. "If I don't kill them, they'll kill me...."

Perhaps Seattle is ready for an all-ages Pho Bang? MEGAN SELING