Here are party tips from two very different celebrations I attended—one a Japanese-themed bash here in Seattle, and the other a 70th birthday party for my dad back in Maine.

Do: Have a theme, such as "Harajuku," that will inspire guests to wear sexy, colorful costumes.

Don't: Put 70 lit candles on a cake. The resulting inferno will set off a fire alarm and create a waxy crater.

Do: Make sure there's plenty of booze, and that everyone gets a clearly labeled cup. The Japanese party hostess—a petite woman whose filthy mouth could make Rodney Dangerfield blush—writes insults on guests' cups. Standouts include: George Bush Lover, Britney's Crotch, Used Dildo Licker, and Ocean Spray Drinker. One man gets a Goat Fucker cup, though he insists that "I stopped fucking goats years ago."

Don't: Type "Anne Murray" into Pandora and expect anything resembling a party mix.

Do: Start a dance party. This will ensure that your guests will sweat off a little alcohol, and a Japanese-themed dance floor is a thrilling, funny, hot place to be.

Don't: Start a discussion about who'll get the inheritance from an uncle who isn't even buried yet. Arguments about a dead man's cash kill that good-time party vibe.

Do: Tell guests who are leaving too early that they should "Go suck a newborn infant's penis, you pussy," and then issue a litany of curses in Farsi. The public humiliation might inspire them to stay and have a good time: They'll literally thank you later.

Don't: Party in Maine.

Want to pull The Stranger aside and then urgently whisper, "Why... you don't have any goats here, do you?" at your house party? E-mail the date, place, time, and party details to partycrasher@thestranger.com.