"Gimme More"

by Britney Spears

(Zomba)

Wait—she makes music? Well whattaya know? Still, if it's possible to hear this through the sound of a zillion gossip sites updating, by the minute, this walking cautionary tale's newest shenanigans, I wouldn't know. All I can hear on this record is corporate desperation, from the "It's Britney, bitch" ringtone (my sister Brittany is so getting one of these for Christmas, the same way she would have gotten a Pet Rock a generation ago) to the song itself, which today sounds like second-rate Gwen Stefani the way it would have sounded like second-rate Britney seven years ago. Or maybe that's not corporate desperation—maybe it's corporate opportunism: When producer Danjahandz mentions "the legendary Britney Spears" on the way to "you're going to have to remove me, 'cause I ain't going nowhere," he sounds eerily like he's stepping on Britney's face en route to an ASCAP ceremony.

"1, 2, 3, 4"

by Feist

(Polydor)

Spotting great moments in Canadian pronunciation has been one of the lesser pleasures of monitoring the Top 10 this year. Along with most of Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" (listen to her bite down on those Ds and Ts), "1, 2, 3, 4" has a classic: "Those teen-age hopes," with the rising note placing the em-pha-sis just so. Other than that, it's overarranged dinkiness that owes its moment to television, not unlike the Britney record—okay enough at what it does, but what it does isn't enough.

"2 Hearts"

by Kylie Minogue

(EMI)

Instead of the buoyant disco of 2001's Fever and the electro of 2004's Body Language, here Kylie goes camp in a different way: piano-driven glam cabaret, with a heavy medium-tempo stomp and a great video that'll have to sate the faithful until the track becomes officially downloadable in early November. In it, she sports a white-blond bouffant that makes her look unnervingly like late-'80s British model Sara Stockbridge, and that isn't all that looks like an old Face cover: The band backing her resemble an updated Blitz Club (the place where the new romantics got their start), particularly their makeup—my favorite is the black guitarist whose right eye is covered by a green butterfly. Kylie, meanwhile, sings into an old-fashioned boxing-ring mic with, I kid you not, a rhinestone-skull cozy. Been hanging around with the Scissor Sisters much, Kylie?