So, the Grammys are total bullshit. In a process that's somewhere between the Washington State caucuses and our primaries—the Grammys aren't fully democratic, but then they're also not really binding—a bunch of old industry flacks do all the voting, which means you wind up with establishment artists winning in the face of obviously better talent. (Imagine a system of superdelegates voting about music.) Granted, popular vote just gets you the People's Choice Award, but what's really needed is a system where only the critics get to vote—a utopian model already used by Pazz & Jop and Idolator's Pop Critics Poll.
The biggest news story/train wreck in progress of the night was, of course, Amy Winehouse (I hate the Grammys for even getting me to type that name in this column). She won five awards in all, including Record of the Year, Song of the Year, and Best New Artist. She accepted them via satellite from Pete Doherty's luxury London crack squat or something. Of course, girl appeals on some awful combination of Anna Nicole Smith–human-wreck gore and Norah Jones/Alicia Keys–safe traditionalism—singing nostalgic rhythm and blues for the old men of the Grammy board. But, to quote my girlfriend, who heard "Rehab" for the first time during the awards show: "That's it?" Rihanna should have won at least half the categories Winehouse walked away with.
LCD Soundsystem's critically acclaimed masterpiece Sound of Silver lost in the Best Electronic/Dance Album category to We Are the Night, the sixth album from the Chemical Brothers, who haven't made an interesting record in 10 years. Sound of Silver gave us both the epic, quarter-life-crisis freak-out "All My Friends"—still an undeniably triumphant jam months later—and the unexpectedly poignant electro funk of "Someone Great." We Are the Night gave us... Fat Lip rapping about "The Salmon Dance"? (Sample lyrics: "Put your hands to the side, as silly as it seems/and shake your body like a salmon floating upstream." And: "All my peeps spend part of their life in fresh water and part of their life in salt water.") An instantly forgettable Klaxons collaboration? But, hey, the Grammy voters recognized the group's name.
Even Justice would have made a deserving winner. Sure, LCD Soundsystem made the vastly superior record, but Justice are great at what they do, they're on the top of their game right now rather than last decade, and the whole aesthetic and the crazy momentum behind their Parisian Ed Banger scene would at least make for a good story.
So, nice job, Grammys. Maybe you can give James Murphy an award if he makes a really mediocre record in 2017.
While I'm ranting about raving: The neon-lit Daft Punk/Kanye performance? Highlight of the show, sure, but still just kind of an okay performance. Kanye's shouting and stomping did look a little Puffy—like "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" was his "Kashmir" or something—and the big Daft Punk reveal was anticlimactic: There they are in the light-up suits, fiddling with a couple (admittedly cool-looking, but probably not actually plugged in to anything) JazzMutant Lemur touch-screen controllers.
Elsewhere: Kanye took Best Rap Album over T.I.'s good-but-not-as-pop-culturally-momentous T.I. vs T.I.P. Art Brut took their turn self-satirically shilling for mobile phones à la Of Montreal. Sub Pop–signed New Zealand–by-way-of-Brooklyn duo Flight of the Conchords deservedly won the Best Comedy Album—they're adorable and funny and not George Lopez. Jonny Greenwood wasn't nominated for Best Score, so somebody else won. Benny Benassi won an award for a by-the-numbers remix of Public Enemy's "Bring the Noise." The posthumous, star-studded, but ultimately boring Johnny Cash video beat out Feist's great one-take choreographed "1234," Justice's So Me–animated designer T-shirt strut in "D.A.N.C.E.," and god-awful Mute Math's bite of Spike Jonze's "Drop" for Best Short Form Music Video. Some Madonna tour video beat out Kells's "crazier than a fish with titties" R&B soap opera "Trapped in the Closet, Chapters 13–22" for Best Long Form Music Video. Foo Fighters took rock honors for having once touched Kurt Cobain and for appearing on any show that will have them. Justin Timberlake won for some of the weaker songs on his 2006 album. The White Stripes won the lame Best Alternative Album award. Slayer, of course, rule. 
