The prerequisite for entrance into this week's "Super Formal Quadruple Birthday Art Show Shit Fest" is an original artwork done in MS Paint e-mailed to the host, who will print and hang the pieces around the apartment. With award categories like "Shittiest/Worst" and "Most Disgusting" you can pretty much assume there's going to be some crude humor, but deciding how far to take it yourself is tricky. The last thing you want is to walk into a room full of nicely dressed strangers and have them whisper to each other, "There's that pervert from the paper who drew all that sick shit." Upon entering the apartment, the first picture visible depicts a poopy titty fuck, titled "Biggie Smalls Chili Dog." My entry is much tamer than it needed to be.

There's all sorts of nice alcohol. (The invite reads, "Bring booze. Classy booze, if you can. I will stab your uterus and/or urethra if you bring Joose to this party.") There's also a cake with candy letters reading "Happy Birthday You Fat Whores!" Birthday girl Jill keeps trying to hand me questionable drinks, like a huge gin and tonic with half a bottle of green food coloring in it. I drink it, and the next day my poop is very green. There's an awards ceremony—the first-place prize is a tie between a picture of a girl blowing bubbles out of her vagina and a colorful piece titled The Prolapsed Rectum of Venus. Its artist, Teresa, states in her acceptance speech that she was inspired by "pink socks everywhere."

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