Chuck Mung is the skinny dude in Seattle's own lords of the air, Airpocalypse, an air-guitar group that recently took first place at the Stranger Gong Show. He's getting ready for battle—a rock-and-roll blitzkrieg in which one soul, and only one, can possesses the ultimate "airness."

Tell me what you're training for.
El Corazón is ground zero for the Seattle regional air-guitar competition. The survivor gets the privilege of competing in the nationals, where one of our nation's greatest will be chosen to represent the USA at the world finals in Oulu, Finland.

Are you worried about competition here in Seattle?
Absolutely. The ranks of great air guitarists grow with each passing day, and every competition brings a finer crop of new recruits. Seattle has several seasoned air guitarists at the moment, some of whom I have battled onstage.

I'm dying to know how you practice...
Well, the first step in a regular practice session is the warm-up. To achieve proper focus, I sit in a dark room blasting hair-metal and visualizing my air guitar. This is necessary to reach nirvanair. Several beers later, I set up a mirror and two cameras (one with an aura- imaging lens). After channeling enough focus, I can begin my exercises. Windmills, flips, searing slides, and proper fingering are several of the components I practice. I generally receive a noise complaint at this point and have to put my air guitar back in its dungeon.

How often do you practice?
Off-season, my body can only withstand practicing a few hours a week. Now that the circuit tour is happening, I am forsaking my body and soul, and I work two hours a night, every night.

What are your favorite songs to practice to?
Yngwie Malmsteen is for working on technical chops, but bravado is better tuned with cuts from Billy Idol and Van Halen.

In the competition, you pick the song for Round 1, but the judges give you a song for Round 2. What if you get a song like Steve Miller's "Fly Like an Eagle"? Then what the fuck do you do?
The second round is the air guitarists' chance to show that they truly possess the skills to control and unleash airness. Anyone can choreograph, but a true air guitarist is prepared for anything. I have a working knowledge of nearly 5,000 songs that can be played on the air guitar. Even the shitty ones. If I hear Steve Miller over the speakers, you can expect that I will fly like an eagle.

What is airness?
In competition, guitarists are judged in three categories: technicality, originality, and airness. The last is the most difficult to define. Airness is the ability to transcend air guitar as an art form. It is the point where you sculpt the air into air—a shape with form, weight, and volume.

Stage presence is a huge part of the criteria. How do you get into rock-star mode before a performance? Energy drinks? Booze? Snort lines of ants? Have your assistants blow cocaine up your...
Air guitar isn't acting like a rock star. It's being a rock star. Serious dedication must be given to the rock-star life, which means you must arrive at this show with a week of insomnia, some bite and claw marks, double vision hidden by sunglasses, and a pack of groupies. I've also seen some of the most face-melting air guitarists in the nation tear a suite of hotel rooms into a five-figure damage bill.

Craig "Hot Lixx Hulahan" Billmeier is the current U.S. and World Air Guitar Champion. Let's pretend he's sitting right next to me, and this is your opportunity to say whatever you want to him, right to his face. Whaddya say?
I would first apologize for trashing his house after last year's competition in San Francisco. Then I would let my air guitar do the talking. I hope he can survive another wave of fire! Honestly, he's a great guy and deserved the win. He also owes me a beer.

Now pretend there's a gaggle of girls sitting here who want to be groupies...
It is not easy to become an air groupie (aka an air mattress). Any girl (or guy) can look the part: messy hair, tight clothes, beer in each hand... But a good air groupie must be prepared for the intense mental and physical strain caused by associating with air guitarists. Oh, and you must be strong enough to carry our musical instruments.

Enough pretend. Do you play a real guitar?
Let's be clear on one thing. I am not pretending to play guitar. I do play guitar. AIR GUITAR.