SATURDAY 1/14

ASHLEY JUDD COMEDY HOUR

Ashley Judd Comedy Hour—a sketch comedy group composed of Jesse Villacis, Edrease Peshaz, Tristan Devin, Zach Gabriel, Adam Firestone, and Ashley Judd—returns strong with a regional favorite: Mythologies of the Wolf Clan Chronicles.

Mythology and Ashley Judd are both very dear to my heart. You see, I grew up believing I was a meth baby born with a cleft palate so severe that my mother could feed me only by dipping a rag into warm milk and squeezing it into my raw, gaping mouth. I took these facts in stride, like any other facts presented in my young life: The earth is round. Sheep are actually unripe sweaters. I kicked a serious methamphetamine habit before I learned to walk. Braces can cure cleft palates, put a girl on solid foods, and leave her with the smile of a crazed beauty queen (I didn't learn what a cleft palate was until age 10, let alone that I'd never had one).

I wasn't ashamed of my early onset meth abuse—in fact, I was proud. As I saw it, overcoming a crippling drug addiction before grade school made me a child prodigy of sorts.

Five years ago, when lesbian friends were struggling with whether to adopt a baby who was born addicted to meth or one born addicted to crack, I lobbied hard for the meth baby, using myself as a success story. I explained that giving up meth at such an early age made me uninterested in experimenting with hard drugs in high school and college. Instead, I had more time to focus on my studies and consuming Ashley Judd movies.

When they decided to adopt her, I called my mom to brag. She was confused. "Why are you excited for meth babies?" she asked. As I began explaining and she began arguing—loudly, vehemently—it finally struck me as odd that I had no memory of my mother talking about smoking methamphetamine, pregnant or otherwise. I couldn't remember us ever discussing meth at all.

"YOU'VE BEEN TELLING PEOPLE THAT YOU WERE A METH BABY? WHAT THE FLYING FUCK, CIENNA???"

Our conversation was short and depressing. One minute I was preternaturally good at overcoming addiction—"Jesus Prom King Christ I don't know where you'd even get that idea," Mom said. "I didn't even eat soft cheeses while pregnant"—the next minute, she didn't even eat soft cheeses.

People's Republic Kafe, 9 pm, $5, all ages.