SECRET SHOPPERS, YACHT, AND BOBBY BIRDMAN

Calm down now, homos. FOCUS! We're under pressure. Our first and decidedly most delicious event comes upon us swiftly, mercilessly, and with itsy-bitsy notice: The lineup came together far too late to make print last week (i.e., the information was repressed by the fucking CIA—as usual), and it happens TONIGHT! (Garner your brilliance; throw on something spectacular! GO, go, GO!) Now I've said a whole bunch of blah blah blah about SECRET SHOPPERS, you know, because HOT DAMN. They are the fresh, rather eyeball-scorching, and very 'mo local band that has been basting our burg and its ears with SUPERHOTGAYAWESOMESAUCE. It's made of three people: Evan Rodd, the lead ("I am a punk/riot grrrl who moonlights as a pop star," he says. "There's a good chance I'm completely out of my mind"), their new drummer, Ashley Goodwin (formerly of Sev and the Sins), and Garret Vance on keys and strings (he's from my college town—we're like RELATED!), and they teeter on the titillating brink of releasing their new album, Eating Before Swimming. Known for their electropop-synthy-ness, they plan to surprise by exploring new realms of R&B slow jams. ("And I'll be wearing silver icicles at the show!" says Vance.) Also playing: Bobby Birdman and YACHT! Crocodile, 8 pm, $15, all ages.

EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE!

And just what the hell is this thing, Everything Is Terrible!? Fantastic question. It is mostly a group of weirdos who create and curate an archive of old VHS treasures that are all mashed up into a big beautiful mess that you can't tear your eyes away from. Every now and then, they create a real gem and tour with it. This one is called Doggie Woggiez! Poochie Woochiez! and rumor has it that it was based on the unfathomably bizarre and acid-trippy 1973 art film The Holy Mountain, but with an all-dog cast. It's going to be spectacular, and it's going to scramble your brain. Central Cinema, 7 pm, $10 adv/$12 DOS, all ages.