Music Dec 12, 2012 at 4:00 am

A Definitive Ranking

Emily nokes


What, no mention of "Do They Know It's Christmas?"
1. "Christmas Shoes"

2. Country folks have hand-carved wooden bells. Bells made of silver are for rich city folks, and the lord baby Jesus will punish them for their wicked vanity in the hereafter.

3. Apparently "Baby It's Cold Outside" was already declared to be harmless rapey fun in a previous Slog poll, but I would point out that "The answer is no" means no.
Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer didn't make this list?!
your "First Noel" diatribe about Palestinians dying is so unbelievably insulting.. I don't even know how to respond to this.
jimi hendrix's little drummer boy is not awful.
googletube it, and check the whole holiday medley. It's not awful. I swear.
Wow. Was this hackey.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Tis the weeks b4 xmas...
"Please Daddy,Don't Get Drunk This Christmas" sung by John Denver has to be in the running.
Oh my fucking Nothing, these comments make an otherwise "meh" article.

Dominic is clearly kidding. Why did the bit about Israel make you mad, but the "ethnic cleansing" line seemed totally acceptable to you?
This list is absolutely invalid, as it has no mention of "Wonderful Christmastime", the shameless July-penned moneygrab by McCartney.
12 Days of Christmas is the Bataan death march of song.
You forgot "Lath Christhmuth I Gave You My Hearrrrt." Taylor Swift version for maximum CIA black-site torture effect.
CHRISTMAS IN THE NORTHWEST. that is all i have to say (besides goddammit!!! because every time the topic of the worst christmas songs ever comes up, this goddamn thing gets stuck in my head for hours).


Sooooool, you just don't like Christmas. Could have saved yourself done time and said that.
meh, another Lump of coal for Hanukkah...

"All I want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth" is way more fuckin' annoying than "The First Noel" is warmongering.

So OK agreed- Madonna sux dancing sugar plum fairy dildos, but dude must have a Grinch-y tin ear for grating vocals and unmerry melodies, judging by most of this list.

but da Skrooge made a good call on Jimi's 'Little Drummerboy' aka Mitch Mitchell...
My favourite Christmas carol is "Coventry Carol". It's about killing babies!
I've always what inspired the narrative about good King Wenceslaus going out to feast at Stephen's house. Who is Stephen and why is he a saint? How good is King Wenceslaus? Didn't they have food in his castle? Snow laying round about - nothing about snow removal. But truly awful is Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You" - maybe women should have Grindr. And who is this Harold Angels everyone harks about? How does one hark anyway?
i just love the sprig of holy in madonna's lapel. HA!
You nailed my top 12 favorites, how did you know?
'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause' should have been #1 on this list.
As usual the comments are much better than the article, I'm howling. Just about to play the John Denver song (on vinyl) about the drunk daddy while I suck down some cheap whiskey.
If you think these are bad, you obviously haven't heard Major Bill Smith and Nancy Nolte's "Happy Birthday, Jesus." I guess it's really more of a Christmas rant with a Silent Night backing track. But it starts off:

"Happy birthday, Jesus.
First I'd like to start off with an apology
for the millions and millions of us
around the world who carry your name 'Christian.'
So many times, name only, never service,
never anything but name.
And second, I'd like to say how sorry I am
for what we've done to the beautiful world
that your father created.
We've polluted the air, we've poisoned the streams, we've cut down the trees, we've burned the grass, we've killed the animals...."

It goes on and on in so many awesome ways until he ends with, "But anyway, we wanted to take the time out of our busy schedules to wish you a happy birthday!" It is truly the ultimate passive aggressive Christmas song. I have a collection of bizarre Christmas music, but this one beats all.

This didn't make the list?
"Santa Baby" is the worst ever.
Simply having a wonderful Christmas time.
hey, rhett: the feast of stephen refers to december 26, st. stephen's day (feast of stephen). and no, the benevolent monarch did not go to stephen's house, but the home of the poor man gathering winter's fuel who lived a good league hence, by st. agnes' fountain. hope that answers your questions.
Three things:

Comments > article.

Sarah McLachlan's "The First Noel" is actually pretty amazing. (I am NOT a McLachlan cult member, although a couple of songs from "Fumbling Toward Ecstasy" have a special nostalgic place in my heart. I realize that this confession probably disqualifies me from even being allowed to read The Stranger.)

And I think you missed a major opportunity: the new "song" called "I Think You Might Like It" by John Travolta and Olivia Newton John. Holy fuck it's bad.
@6: Yeah. Totally hackey. I was surprised to see Emily Nokes' name on this, till I realized she just drew the picture. Holden. *Shrug*
Are we allowed to submit actually terrible Christmas songs?

I submit: Stuck at the Airport by Money Mark off of This Warm December: A Brushfire Holiday Vol. 1.
This song will make you WISH you were stuck at the airport. Especially if you work in a music store, and your boss plays the album all day.
@20: That was my second choice, but you're right---it should be on this list.

I Youst Go Nuts At Christmas

I see your "Christmas in the Northwest," and I raise you one "Sippin' in Seattle's Latte Land."
@32 i'm not, i can't, jesus.

i fold.
How can "The Christmas Shoes" song not be on this list. It MUST, MUST, MUST be worse than all of those above:…
This article is complete shit and yes, hacky. Not an original thought herein and a total waste of energy.
@35: Bored much?
Who put coal in your stocking?
I have to agree that Christmas in the Northwest (or anything written and/or sung by whatever pre-cum of Satan sings that song) truely makes me wish I were deaf. BUT....

if you really want to hear a song that will make you want to slit your throat open try.....

The Little Boy that Santa Cause Forgot....

You have been warned.
Santa Cause????

The Little Boy that Santa Clause Forgot
1) "Do You Hear What I Hear?" isn't actually a Christmas Song-it's an antiwar(anti-annihiliation, really)song written in October 1962, during the Cuban Missile Crisis.

2)A "jingle-horse" is a superintelligent equine mutant(created through a combination of genetic engineering and the tragic consequences of above-ground nuclear testing in the Nevada during the 1950's) that writes melodies for advertising songs. A jingle-horse is rumored to have collaborated with Paul McCartney on "Wonderful Christmastime".
@23 and 27

(to the tune of 'O Holy Night')
"Oh Holy Shit
the Learjet's brightly shining"
call in an airstrike on Battlefield Earth
it's an L. Ron Hubbard X-Mass
Quickly-there's no time like Xmass time!

@37: If you mean me, nobody has. McGee just sounds totally bored with this article, and basically said so. I'm just saying.
"Catholic Girls" by Frank Zappa is the worst Christmas song in the world.

It's not about Christmas at all.
@32; Whoaaaaaaa! That IS pretty bad!
It sounds canned, like in an elevator at the Convention Center!
Okay, now I'm having a hard time deciding which is infinitely
worse---horrid elevator recordings or campy redneck twang?

I declare a tie for Worst Christmas Song Ever:
BOTH Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
and Sippin' in Seattle Latte Land for Worst Place.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus gets Second Worst Place.

Let us all TRY to forget these horrible, horrible excuses for songs,
and get back to hot chocolate and Christmas cookies!
Nearly all Christmas songs are the worst. It would be shorter to make a list of Christmas songs that don't suck.
...and who could ever forget that '90s classic from Ren & Stimpy: "Cat Hairballs"---and the episode "Son of Stimpy"?
@9 Because the "ethnic cleansing" bit was obviously a joke — however, among liberal Seattleites, the bit about Israel/Palestine, unfortunately, wasn't.
I needed to laugh my ass of this evening, and each of you witty responders has accomplished this feat. THANK YOU.
I needed to laugh my ass off this evening, and each of you witty responders has accomplished this feat. THANK YOU.
where Dear Mr Jesus on this list?? I just love a song about child abuse mixed into my holiday joy!
@48 & @49 FreeJena2: You're most welcome, and Merry Cat's Mess!
"Buzzy the Christmas Bee."

Is the best Christmas song ever.
"Christmas Shoes." Most mawkish, sappy, sentimental shit ever. May I suggest playing "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics" over and over again, in its entirety, as an antidote.
I gotta agree with #2 and #53. The only good thing about 'Christmas Shoes' is the bit Patton Oswalt did on it.
I thank you all for introducing me to all these exquisitely horrible holiday tunes! My solstice is nearly complete. Auntie, please pass the cookies and here, have some eggnog. :-)
@55: I made M&M Brownies (sorry, no legalized maryjane) and peanut butter (Hershey's) kiss cookies!! Thanks for the 'nog!
Warm fuzzies to all, and to all, a Merry Cat's Mess!

p.s. Did you get your Halloween candy and light bulbs from Kelly O yet?

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