SEASONY BATTLE QUEENS

Gird your hounds and release your loins! Shiver me timbers and carpe your diem! Tonight is demanding, and it will demand focus and fortitude to squeeze every delectable drop from it. Now, I know we've all got outrageously mixed feelings about RuPaul's Drag Race at this peculiar juncture in hermstory—(ahem) some of us (ahem-hem) might even be exhausted to the very pink marrow of our little gay bones even talking about the dang thing (AHEM)—what with last year's unfair Ben-eful fiasco and absolutely ZERO Seattle queens to speak of competing this year. But you know as well as I that we will never fully escape the terrible gravity of ol' RuPes and her growing army of queens, SO WHY EVEN TRY? Our first top tonight is the very Michelle Visage–hosted, power-queen-rich Battle of the Seasons, starring just about all of the most popular queens throughout the show's history, except for Ben and Jinkx who for SOME reason aren't in it. Courtney Act is, however, and Bianca Del Rio, Ivy Winters, Raja, and Manila Luzon, so that is an utterly acceptable lineup. Showbox Sodo, 9 pm, $35 adv/$45 DOS, all ages.

SHAFTERPARTY WITH WILLAM

And then! Willam Belli is always angry with me for misspelling her name ("William" and "Willem" being my most popular mistakes), but I think she should really spend that energy being mad at her mama because I DIDN'T NAME HER "WILLAM," gol. Willam is, in my never-so-humble opinion, one of the funniest, sassing-est, and stand-outiest of all the RuPaul queens (YouTube "Willam's Beatdown" immediately!), especially among those who barfed all over the stage and got disqualified, of which she is the only one ever. She isn't battling with the other queens tonight, instead she is hostessing the "totally unofficial official" after-party, with a respectable murder of local queens (drag queens travel in "murders" like crows, you know). I don't care if you're sleepy from the Battle and have to work at ass o'clock in the morning—to miss the brilliant snarktasticness of Willam would be the height of foolishness, indeed. Neighbours, 9 pm, $17, 21+.

OH, NOTHING

Yeah, it's Valentine's Day again. SO WHAT? You think I'm going to air my dirty laundry of heartbreak here EVERY YEAR for the world to laugh at? Ha. Wake me up on Monday—and quit looking at me! There's something in my eye...