Jackie Hell does her thing at Dickslap. Kelly O

WEDNESDAY 2/18

BIZNITCHES AND BIZLOOD

And so here we are! Balls-deep in the eighth Arthaus Drag Battle Royale, and these fabulous biznitches are out for bizlood! They are calling this episode the "Wild Card Round." And this time, the legendarily infamous and most-unsinkable Mom Finley will be dusting off her old and much-storied former persona (mostly seen around the sordid streets of NYC in the eeearly '90s) called "D'Vah." She and her crew shall be vogue-ing their hip-pads off in an attempt to defeat the Haus of Majesty to make it to the semifinals (the Majesties lost to Shelita Potroast's Waffle Haus last time, and are back to redeem their name). Who will emerge victorious? Who will break a hip? The suspense is pure torture, I know. Kremwerk, 10 pm, $5, 21+.

FRIDAY 2/20

JACKIE HELL SLAPS THE D

It seems like forever since we've been to a Dickslap, and do you know why? Because it's reliable. We know it's always just a week or two away, and that it is consistently one of the best, sweatiest, naughtiest parties ever invented. But this one we must pay very special attention to, and be extra-sure not to miss, because it is being invaded/hosted by that abomination of God, that delightful human nightmare, that walking, singing toxic tire fire the world knows as Jackie Hell. Please expect the sleaze levels to be OFF THE FREAKING CHARTS. Also featuring DJs Two Dudes in Love all the way from San Francisco. The Eagle, 9 pm, $7–$10, 21+.

SUNDAY 2/22

IF YOU MUST OSCAR, OSCAR HERE

Counted among my many hobbies are googling myself and conspicuously ignoring award shows, as everyone knows damn good and well. However! Award show parties are a different matter entirely and completely within my delicious purview. Therefore! For you starry-eyed 'mos who still insist on eking every drop of glittering, glitzing glamour from the masturbatory tropes of ye olde The Oscars, there is only one choice: Gay City Health Project and Three Dollar Bill Cinema's 10th Annual Oscar Party! And please to forgive my hyperbole (as an axiom), but THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST DAMN OSCAR PARTY IN THE HISTORY OF HISTORY. And why? Because this year, they are taking the party to the fresh swankiness of the fully remodeled Cinerama, and, best of all, the event is hosted by that bastion of bio-queens: the dancing, mugging miracle that is Cherdonna Shinatra herself. Cherdonna will dazzle you (as she does), the free food and not-so-free drinks will sate you, and you can even watch the damn awards show... if you must. Cinerama, 4 pm, $25/$85 VIP, 21+. recommended