Always a Mermaid, Never a Merm.

FRIDAY 3/6

RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE RETURNS: INTRODUCING KANDY HO'

Did you feel that rather bitchy disturbance in the Force? Can you smell the lingering odoure of heavy foundation, way too much Aqua Net, and mad desperation? It can mean only one thing: It has begun! RuPaul's Drag Race! Indeed, Season Who Cares lies as thick and heavy upon us as a roofied Manila Luzon in a K-hole. In celebration of the event, our darling friends at R Place are resurrecting their March Dragness series, featuring a whole mess of messy new queens competing for the crown, whom they are bringing to town, one at a time, to tickle your fancy and delight your drag-starved soul. The series begins properly with a new contender called, descriptively enough, Kandy Ho', who, as far as we can possibly know at this juncture, RuPaul has not yet kicked to the curb. (Sorry, darling, my crystal balls are in the shop and hardly in any shape to be making predictions this early in the game.) Kandy is a raunchy, saucy little puertorriqueña (a chili of a mere 26 years old) known for her sass, her lack of class, and her bounce-a-quarter-off-this ass, and she's the first of the bunch to give us a drag-racey howdy-do. Let's give a big howdy-do right back to her. R Place, 8:30 pm, $12/$25 VIP, 21+, March 5–7.

SATURDAY 3/7

LOVESICK MERMAIDS, TWO-LEGGED HUMAN PRINCES

Isn't it a relief to get out of the gay clubs sometimes and into the gay theater? Of course it is (stop arguing). We should be especially appreciative of anything and everything we can see at the beloved Rendezvous, for, as you might be aware, it's soon to be gentrified to death. [Insert hateful screed against Amazon/vulture developers HERE.] Tonight we are brought the tale of Arabela, a seriously lovesick mermaid who bears a striking resemblance to one Princess Ariel, but we're going to ignore that because Disney is one seriously lawyered-up bitch. Arabela rescues a two-legged human prince from drowning, a serious mer-crush develops, and hilarious mer-shenanigans ensue. It's cleverly called Always a Mermaid, Never a Merm (HA!), and it stars Sparkle Leigh and Craig Trolli. Rendezvous, 7 pm, $15, 21+, March 6–7.

MONDAY 3/9

BUT WHERE SHOULD ONE WATCH DRAG RACE?

I know everyone is just tying themselves in knots wondering where to watch the latest Drag Race, since Logo isn't sponsoring ANY Seattle watching parties this year and the Lobby went teets-up. Jimmy and Arden of Sinfinite Events have risen to the challenge and will be throwing every-Monday live watching parties at 95 Slide, hosted by the wonderful and witchy Kaleena Markos and James Majesty. And what does this RPDR watching party have that the others don't? Well, ME, who shall be in prominent attendance. Join me, won't you? I hear I put out. 95 Slide, 8 pm, free, 21+. recommended