Can you smell that? Wafting softly on the evening breeze? Like the singular aroma of an H&M on fire combined with the lingering scent of a glitter factory explosion? It's Pride, of course, which is now looming larger than Mama Tits under a microscope. It's critical to plan ahead for it. And so! Please drop the bong (just kidding—don't ever do that!) and keep your beady little lashes glued to Slog this week, because we here at The Homosexual Agenda™ (i.e., ME) will be giving away two highly coveted ALL-ACCESS WEEKEND PASSES to Nark's absurdly popular battery of Pride events, including Gender Blender (with our good friend BenDeLaCreme, Ginger Minj, and Miss Fame, which is frankly the worst drag name in history, but don't let that stop you), the debaucherous Pride Cruise, a new super-secret event I've promised to not even MENTION yet (so pretend I didn't), and MORE! So pay close attention for a chance to WIN BIG, MOTHAFUCKAH! In the meantime, we need to discuss Mark Finley.

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THURSDAY 5/7

HOW TO ROAST A MOM

If you've been gay and/or in Seattle for more than 10 seconds, Mark (aka "Mom") Finley has probably left a big, throbbing scar on your psyche. It's only to be expected: She's a natural disaster in heels! A scandal in a wig! She's harder to kill than a Kevlar cockroach, more vulgar than two turds in a teacup, and funnier than falling down a flight of stairs! Indeed, Mark Finley and her clacking dentures have scintillated, tantalized, and wrought pure terror upon Gay Seattle since Adam and Steve were roller-skating with dinosaurs. Everybody but EVERYbody has an opinion about dear old Mom, and tonight we get to hear them: A luminous panel of luminaries (including, well, me, god help them) are lining up to take low jabs, make pot shots, and share stories both triumphant and terrible about the most polarizing and notorious queen in all of Seattle herstory! The Roast of Mark Finley! (Roasts are totally the rage lately, you've noticed?) It's going to be hosted by none other than the legendary Lady Bunny from NYC, several notable local drag artists will participate, and there are even whisperings that Wendy Ho and Lily Tomlin will be joining from afar. You will laugh, you will cringe, you will cry (with more laughter), and best of all, you'll finally get to see ol' Mom get what's coming to her. Hashtag karma. FRED Wildlife Refuge, 7 pm, $20/$50 VIP, 21+.

SUNDAY 5/10

JUST D-FACTS

The wait has ended at last! Julia's has revived Seattle's own Drag Race, whence fresh new queens (and trust me, there are millions—is there something in the water?) show off their C.U.N.T. (charisma, uniqueness... yadda, yadda) for the chance to win the title and a spot on the Le Faux cast—D-Factor season six! It's always a fun show, the celebrity judges can be delightfully brutal, and tonight is just the beginning... Julia's, 6:30 pm, free, 21+. recommended