You've arrived. Now what? You don't know many people, and if, like many newcomers, you are surrounded by other newcomers, they don't know anyone here, either. Where the hell are you supposed to get your hair cut? What do you do if you get sick before you've sorted out your doctor? What's the best late-night eatery to help soak up all the alcohol you've been drinking? Don't worry, we've got you.


Something decent to eat at 1 a.m.

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Seattle has no shortage of places to soak up—physically, spiritually—whatever mistake you just made, whenever you make it. Lost Lake, the 5 Point Cafe, and Beth's Cafe are all ready to serve you a burger or some eggs or a carb with melted cheese from their vast menus 24 hours a day. For a mere $5.60, you can feast on a double cheeseburger and a strawberry shake until 2 a.m. at a Dick's Drive-in, or drop $25.99 for a plate of veal piccata at 13 Coins whenever you might fancy it. Ba Bar on Capitol Hill serves their late-night menu, which includes frog legs, pho, and their immensely satisfying vermicelli bowls, till 4 a.m. on Fridays and Saturdays (2 a.m. on other nights). (JENNIFER CAMPBELL)

Lost Lake Cafe & Lounge: 1505 10th Ave, lostlakecafe.com

The 5 Point Cafe: 415 Cedar St, the5pointcafe.com

Beth's Cafe: 7311 Aurora Ave N, bethscafe.com

Dick's Drive-In: 115 Broadway E, and five other locations, ddir.com

13 Coins: 125 Boren Ave N, 13coins.com

Ba Bar: 550 12th Ave, babarseattle.com


An Abortion

Depending on how long you've been pregnant and which type of procedure is best, an abortion can start around $600. If you qualify for Washington's state health insurance program (called Medicaid or Apple Health), that program covers abortion. If you need help covering the cost, get in touch with the CAIR Project (cairproject.org), which helps people in Washington and nearby states pay for their abortions. (HEIDI GROOVER)

Abortion is still legal—for now. Here are some places in Seattle you can get one:

Planned Parenthood: 2001 E Madison St; 1229 Madison St, Suite 1040; 5020 Roosevelt Way NE, Suite 1; 9942 Eighth Ave SW; 2111 N Northgate Way, Suite 218; plannedparenthood.org; 800-769-0045

Cedar River Clinics: 509 Olive Way, Suite 1454, cedarriverclinics.org, 957-0990, also in Renton and Tacoma

Seattle Medical and Wellness Clinic: 1325 Fourth Ave, Suite 1240, smawc.com, 625-0202

All Women's Care: 9730 Third Ave NE, Suite 200, awcseattle.com, 985-9553


A good used bike

If you're able-bodied and at all concerned about the environment, you should seriously consider traveling around the city by bicycle. (And if you're not worried about the latter, how did you stray over to The Stranger from Breitbart News?) Seattle has an abundance of places to procure solid two-wheel transportation that requires your precious leg power. Yes, you can always use the bike-sharing service Pronto (at least until the end of March), but then you'd have to pedal a clunky, one-size-fits-all machine that is likely not optimal for your body and speed requirements. Below are some shops staffed by well-toned experts who can help you find used bikes that are ideal for you. (DAVE SEGAL)

Recycled Cycles: 1007 NE Boat St, recycledcycles.com

Bike Works: 3709 S Ferdinand St, bikeworks.org

20/20 Cycle: 2020 E Union St, 2020cycle.com

Hello Bicycle: 3067 Beacon Ave S, hellobicycle.com

Ride Bicycles: 6405 Roosevelt Way NE, ridebicycles.com

Bob's Bike and Board: 5206 University Way NE, bobsbikenboard.com


Legal weed (while it's still legal)

Thanks to the magic of zoning, Seattle's largest concentration of pot shops is in grimy, industrial Sodo. (Convenient by rail!) The shops themselves are far from grimy, and I'm partial to Ganja Goddess and Dockside, where you'll find not only a ton of weed and weed-infused products, but also warm, friendly budtenders to explain it all to you. On Capitol Hill and in the Central District, try one of the infamous Uncle Ike's shops, and then go to nearby Ruckus or Ponder to support a small business. University of Washington students can check out American Mary, Stash has you covered in Ballard, and Canna West Seattle is good people if you're west of the Duwamish. Happy hunting, stoners! (TOBIAS COUGHLIN-BOGUE)

Ganja Goddess: 3207 First Ave S, ganjagoddessseattle.com

Dockside Cannabis: 1728 Fourth Ave S, also in Shoreline, docksidecannabis.com

Uncle Ike's: 2310 E Union St and 501 15th Ave E, also in White Center, ikes.com

Ruckus: 1465 E Republican St, ruckusseattle.com

Ponder: 2413 E Union St, ponderseattle.com

American Mary: 321 NE 45th St, americanmarywa.com

Stash Pot Shop: 4912 17th Ave NW, also in Lake City, stashpotshop.com

Canna West Seattle: 5435 California Ave SW, facebook.com/cannaalki


A Dentist

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, more than a quarter of American adults have untreated tooth decay. Go to the damn dentist! The nonprofit Neighborcare Health offers dental services, including emergency care, to uninsured patients on a sliding scale at seven of their Seattle clinics. There's also the University of Washington School of Dentistry's faculty-supervised student clinic where you can get some services, like exams, cleanings, crowns, root canals, dentures, and even veneers for less than you'd pay at a private practice (though the appointment may take twice as long). For some services, like radiology, oral surgery, or braces, you'll be seen by a graduate student or a faculty specialist, which will cost you more. The UW doesn't offer a sliding scale, but a student cleaning is a fairly reasonable $72 and they do take insurance. (JENNIFER CAMPBELL)

University of Washington School of Dentistry: 1959 NE Pacific St, Suite B307, dental.washington.edu

Neighborcare Health: 1629 N 45th St, and six other locations, neighborcare.org


A Good Haircut for Cheap

Since the mid-1990s, the Rudy's Barbershop chain has been a reliable place to get a haircut for people who don't want to look like a conservative Republican. In my youth (why, that was just yesterday), I frequented Rudy's on Pine Street where they would give me a sassy cut for less than $50. For short hair, it's even cheaper ($32). You can book cuts online, but for a colorist, you have to call. Rudy's has 11 locations around the city. The original store is on Pine, and they've just added another Capitol Hill location on 15th Avenue if you are really lazy. (TRICIA ROMANO)

Rudy's Barbershop: 614 E Pine St, 428 15th Ave E, rudysbarbershop.com


Medical Treatment

Finding the right doctor can be a daunting task, particularly if you're uninsured, underinsured, or broke. Luckily, Seattle has quite a few community health clinics that aim to connect patients and their families with personalized care, and hospitals have charity care programs that you might qualify for—but only if you know about them. (It's also good to know at least one place where you can get emergency antibiotics for that nasty urinary tract infection.) (SYDNEY BROWNSTONE)

Here are some options for after you've e-mailed your congressperson and asked them to do everything they can to block Republicans from repealing the Affordable Care Act:

Neighborcare Health has a network of 28 nonprofit medical and dental clinics all over the city: neighborcare.org, 548-3013

Country Doctor Walk-In After-Hours Care Center: 550 16th Ave, countrydoctor.org, 320-5556

Rainier Valley Community Clinic: 3642 33rd Ave S, rv-cc.org, 760-2545

Swedish: If you're 300 percent below the federal poverty limit, Swedish's new charity care policy means your health care is free. If you're between 300 and 400 percent, you get 75 percent off. Seattle locations are in First Hill, Cherry Hill, and Ballard: swedish.org, 1-800-SWEDISH

Seattle Children's Odessa Brown Children's Clinic: 2101 E Yesler Way, seattlechildrens.org/contact/odessa-brown, 987-7210

Ingersoll Gender Center isn't a clinic, but the mutual support nonprofit keeps a database of medical and mental-health providers who work with trans patients: 517 E Pike St, ingersollcenter.org/providers, 849-7859


Laid

Well, there's always the old hang-out-at-the-bar-and-hit-on-people methodology, but why do that when you can use any number of apps? Tinder is so 2015, but it's definitely the most likely to be filled with people looking to get laid. The women-founded app Bumble might seem less skeevy, but in the end, it's a similar concept: swipe, meet, hook up. OkCupid is supposedly filled with people looking for actual relationships, which begs the question—if you see someone on Tinder and OkCupid, should you expect an entirely different outcome based on which app you are using when you first talk to them? At least for gay men, the answer is a lot clearer: Grindr is clearly for hookups, though plenty of people have met their Prince Charming via a one-night-stand. But if I were a gay man, I'd just go to Pony. Hell, if I were any kind of person and wanted to find shenanigans, I'd just go to Pony. If you want to get laid, go to Pony. (TRICIA ROMANO)

Pony: 1221 E Madison St recommended