Calm, Cool, and Stimulated

The Bill Collector/Downtown/Thurs Sept 16, 12:00 pm: A bill collector telephoned a man who owes money to an organization named Allied Credit. Trouble ensued when the debtor asserted that his recent claim of bankruptcy absolved him of his debts. The bill collector told him otherwise; he still owed money, bankrupt or not. The debtor responded by saying: "If this matter isn't adjudicated immediately, I'm coming down there tomorrow with my .45, and someone will get hurt." The bill collector called the cops and told them that in his line of work "you get a lot of threats," but this threat was different because "the suspect was cold, calm, and matter of fact."

Apparently, if a debtor is hysterical, or crying his heart out as he threatens to kill a bill collector, this is fine; but if they are as calm as a cucumber, then watch out! It's time to call the cops!

Fuzzy Dice/Central District/Thurs Sept 16, 3:00 pm: When a young lady from Garfield High School missed her bus ride home at 2:15 pm, she began walking south on 23rd Ave. But before she had walked even three blocks, a car approached, and a man wearing thick glasses rolled down his window and asked if she "wanted a date." She declined and continued walking. A few blocks later, the same man stopped his car, stepped out, grabbed her by the waist, and forced her into his vehicle (a blue, compact 4-door with blue, fuzzy dice hanging from the rearview mirror). While in the car, the man with the thick glasses did nothing more; he didn't assault her or try anything funny like placing a hungry hand on her leg. He just drove around for approximately two hours without saying a word. At a red light near Rainier Ave S, the car came to a stop; and without any opposition, the young lady simply exited the car and walked home.

When the police investigated this incident (the girl's mother heard her story and called the cops), they noticed the young lady was "disinterested," and wanted to return to "her business." The bored youth was left with an incident number and told to call if she remembered anything distinctive about her innocuous kidnapper.

Let's Play Ball/Greenlake/Thurs Sept 16, 9:00 pm: Though America's love affair with the most popular sport in the galaxy, soccer, continues to grow, there are regrettably some Americans who still don't understand the basic rules of the game. Case in point: On the soccer field at the Green Lake Community Center, a Greenwood man was playing a game of "pick-up soccer," when a man ran up to him and punched him in the face. Though the opponent apologized, the Greenwood man left the field and called the police, who apparently know enough about soccer to recognize that punching an opponent in the face is not allowed (this is only proper in Australian rugby). The ignorant soccer player is still at large, and the Greenwood man and all soccer lovers must make an effort to bring him to justice, so that we can improve his understanding of our beloved game.

The Public Stimulator/Gas Works Park/Fri Sept 17, 6:30 pm: Officer Tyler Elster was conducting a routine patrol through Gas Works Park when he observed "a man seated on the boardwalk below the paved viewpoint on the waterfront, who had his genitals exposed through the leg opening of his shorts (he was wearing jogging type shorts)." Officer Elster then noticed the suspect was "stimulating himself" while in full view of the public. "There were numerous persons in the park," claims Elster, "and boats passed within 30 yards of the suspect in the warm evening dusk light." Officer Elster contacted the self-excited jogger, positively ID'd him (he was from Bothell!), issued him a "parks exclusion notice," and escorted him out of the historical park, which, as the sun set into the west, held a splendid view of the dramatic and futuristic purples and pinks reflected by the glass superstructures of downtown. Officer Elster suggests that the charge for the self-stimulated jogger be "indecent exposure 9A.88.010 RCW."