Dead on Arrival/Pioneer Square/Fri May 19/7:00 am: This is one of the saddest reports I have ever read, and even now, I'm not sure reporting it is the right thing to do. But I must! I can't let my hardcore readers down! So, if you are not a hardcore reader of this column, or are someone who falls on the sensitive side of things, I recommend you skip to the next report (it's more lively and entertaining than this sad, sad tale). An unfortunate Maryland couple, after a long train trip across this great land of yours (and mine, as soon as INS declares me an American citizen), rolled into King Street Station early this morning. As they were pulling their luggage together in preparation for the train's final stop, the Maryland husband said to his wife, rather suddenly, "[Honey] I need to sit down. I'm feeling giddy." When he sat down, his wife noticed that "all color drained from his face." So, fearing the worst, she yelled for help. Medical personnel on board the train rushed into their sleeper car and attempted to revive the Maryland man, but they were unsuccessful. He departed this life the very moment the train arrived in Seattle.

Day in the life of American Cops and Robbers/West Seattle/Fri May 19/10:06 pm: Officer Cook and his partner Officer Branham were in their squad car when they noticed a man walking down the street whom they had arrested for prowling the previous week. They pulled up next to him to make a "social contact."

"Hi guy, you got released from jail, huh?" Officer Branham said, as he got out of the car.

The professional burglar, who wore an olive-green jacket, camouflage pants, and brown boots, stopped and said, "Yeah."

"Are [you] coming from [your] house?" Officer Branham asked.

"Yeah," the professional burglar said, "I had to leave."

"Where [you] headed?" Officer Branham asked.

"I'm going to my grandma's house in Westwood Village."

"You're going the wrong way," Officer Branham said.

"She lives on Trenton," the professional burglar argued, and proceeded to point in the general direction of that street.

At this moment, with the burglar's arm stretched out and his olive-green jacket pulled open, Officer Branham observed an object protruding from the upper part of his body. He could not tell what it was exactly, but saw that it was "rigid." Not taking any chances, Officer Branham patted the professional burglar down and found a 24-inch bolt cutter stuffed in his jacket. "The cutter belongs to a friend of [mine]," the professional burglar said. "[He asked me] to get rid of them ['cause he] heard that the cops were coming to his house." Officer Branham confiscated the tool and released the man. As there was no doubt in Officer Branham's mind that the cutters belonged to the burglar and that he was using them "to continue to commit crimes" in the area, he requested that charges of possession of burglary tools be brought against the man.

The Gun for Hire/Downtown/Sat May 20/5:20 pm: A man was standing on the corner of Second and Washington when a stranger with an "African" accent and a "very distinctive and large puffy yellow jacket" approached him and asked if he would "off" somebody for a reasonable fee. The "African" man in the puffy yellow jacket then displayed a plastic-handled gun to the man on the street. The man declined the offer and immediately crossed the street. A block or so later, he waved down a cop car and told an officer about the strange man "soliciting the murder of an unknown person." The cop made contact with the suspect, and indeed found a handgun on him--a Koch 9mm pistol, mod#VP370Z, ser#71843--as well as one magazine containing 10 9mm Lugar rounds, and a box of 50 extra bullets. When questioned at the police station, the suspect, stated that he was from East Africa, and, like the author of this column (who is from southern Africa), plans to seek U.S. citizenship.