The Process/Downtown/Fri Sept 21/1:30 pm: When Officer Lancaster arrived at the art gallery he met with Ms. Young, who explained that an unknown "subject" (Lancaster's designation for those suspected of breaking the law) entered the Foster/White Gallery and removed a marvelous work of art valued at $35,000 from its dignified stand in the rear of the gallery. The subject made his getaway through a back door. The stolen work of art was made by none other than world-renowned glassblower Dale Chihuly, and is described as "Paris blue macchia with fire-red lip wrap." Fortunately, the theft was captured on the gallery's video surveillance system.

"While viewing the gallery['s video tape]," wrote Lancaster, "I noticed the subject enter the store at approximately 1:20 p.m. ...At 1:27 p.m., the subject takes the glass piece, uses his coat to cover it, and subsequently exits through the back door into an alley."

After viewing the recorded evidence, Officer Lancaster inspected the gallery for physical evidence. On the knob of the back door he found fingerprints, which he carefully lifted and submitted. Adhering to the correct sequence of a criminal investigation, Lancaster proceeded to interview witnesses.

This phase of the investigation proved to be useful, because Lancaster determined that the thief had a partner, who distracted the gallery attendant while the crime was in progress. The accomplice was described as a white male in his mid-50s, weighing 225 pounds, wearing an Indonesian-print shirt and khaki pants.

Officer Lancaster was then handed a photo of the stolen art piece, which he placed into evidence along with the videotape and fingerprints.

The Subject of Pain/First Hill/Fri Sept 28/11:25 am: The story in this report is long and unimportant. What's worth sharing with the refined readers of this column is this comment made by the suspect (who is from Greenwood) to the officer (whose name is C. Toman): "Well, ma'am, [I'm being unreasonable because] I've been hurt. I've been betrayed. It is just anger. The anger of four years of my life, four years of pain, four years surgically cut out and replaced with pain. [So, if I see that man again] I will slam-dunk him into the solar plexus."

Insane Subjects/Downtown/Mon Oct 1/2:45 pm: A young man from Kent entered the lobby of the South Precinct to report an assault to the officer in charge. Officer Rice was called to the lobby, and after a brief introduction, the young man told Officer Rice that on Friday, September 28, he went to the Stadium Exhibition Center to watch and enjoy the shocking rock/rap band Insane Clown Posse. When the band hit the stage, they started throwing emptied root beer containers at the audience. The fans scrambled for the dead plastic. One member of the Insane Clown Posse, however, threw a live root beer bottle at the wall of fans. The carbonated grenade hit the young man's left eye and exploded. Humiliated, the man left the concert and had his sticky wound treated by a doctor.

On Saturday and Sunday, he recuperated in his Kent home; today, he returned to Seattle to file an official report. Officer Rice made his suffering official by giving it an incident number: 01-466011.

Here is the description of the subject/suspect in the final report: "Address: unknown. Race/Sex/DOB: White male 25-30. Peculiarities: Singer in band Insane Clown Posse [whose new song 'My Homie Baby Mama' opens with these scandalous lines, 'I don't know, she ain't even looking that good (kinda fat)/Even so, I think I'd probably fuck her if I could (kinda fat like that)/ It's just sumpthing 'bout the way her titties swing around (boing)']."