While fundamentalist Christians crusade against fundamentalist Muslims in a postmodern holy war, a few liberals weep for the oppressed cows and lab mice of the world. During a recent San Francisco antiwar protest, a young woman carried a sign that read "Vegetarians for Peace."
When are we left-wingers going to learn that we are losing the cultural and political battle with conservatives because we are fractured into narcissistic special-interest groups? Why should an antiwar protestor be so concerned about her dietary identity? The political opinions of vegetarians and meat-eaters are, after all, equally important. And what does it tell us about vegetarians that it would never occur to meat-eaters to carry a sign that reads "Pacifist Pork Chop Lover for Peace" or "Backyard Rib Barbecuer for International Nuclear Disarmament"?
But maybe we should start carrying those signs. In fact, if we meat-eating pinkos ate medium-rare hamburgers while we marched against war, I think the conservative politicians and pundits would find it difficult to completely demonize us.
"Well, Rush, most of those antiwar commies are treasonous bastards, but the ones eating 100 percent All American beef can't be all bad."
We liberals have become elitist bastards out of touch with the white working class, but conservatives have been smooching the WWC for years. So, in order to defeat the conservatives, we liberals have to enter into the Great American Love Triangle and somehow win the hearts, minds, and votes of the WWC. But how do we do that?
First, we liberals must eat meat. We must eat asses, lips, and balls. Proudly celebrate the genetic superiority of humans! We don't have these opposable thumbs by accident. In the beginning, we were McPrimates hunted by Tyrannosaurus chickens. But we've worked our way up the food chain, and we should not dishonor our ancestors' struggles by becoming vegetarians.
George W. won the presidency by pretending to be a carnivorous and inarticulate member of the WWC. "Yep, I might of masticulated at Yale, but I ain't from Yale. I eat pork rinds drenched with Tabasco sauce, just like my daddy. But that Al Gore, he was born with a Yale spoon in his mouth. I bet you Al Gore ain't never et a pork rind."
Despite the fact that liberal social programs primarily benefit them, WWC folks are completely bamboozled by rich conservative propaganda. "Well, my millionaire Republican senator just voted to send my job to Sri Lanka, but he hates the fags and towelheads as much as I do, so I'm going to vote for him right after I pick up my very last unemployment check."
As liberals, we must suspend every other progressive cause except one: the liberation of the WWC. We liberals must sing "The Star Spangled Banner" and recite the Pledge of Allegiance at every gathering. You anti-American bastards want to prove your patriotism? Then sing patriotic songs! Hey, maybe God did bless America. And hey, maybe Allah did, too. According to my limited research, every God and god in the history of the world has reportedly blessed the USA, so the Pledge of Allegiance is not necessarily inaccurate.
WWC folks join the military in large numbers, so the least liberals, pacifists, and peaceniks can do is admit to at least loving war movies. Soldiers are cool! Sure, most WWC soldiers joined the military because they had no other economic choices, but let's not blame the soldiers for their poverty--let's not hate the WWC for doing what it has to do to survive. Instead let's create a national service system designed specifically to employ, train, and educate the WWC, and they won't have to fight rich men's wars.
We liberals must stop marching for our own rights. At the next liberal protest, I want to see signs that read, "The NAACP for the WWC!" and "The American Indian Movement for the WWC Movement!" and "Lambda Legal for WWC Justice!" and "Jesuits for WWC Souls!" and "Atheists for WWC Education!" and "Communists for WWC Jobs!" and "Poets for WWC Literacy!" and "Nostalgic Deadheads for WWC Bluegrass!" and yes, "Vegetarians for WWC Carnivores!"
WWC people believe that rich white conservatives care about them, so we liberals must teach them a contradictory lesson: To the rich white ruling class, working-class whites are actually working-class blacks. After all, Sam Walton might share the same melanin content with his slave-wage employees, but he certainly doesn't love them. We liberals should love the WWC. We're liberals, damn it. We're supposed to love everybody. And if we want to defeat George W. Bush in 2004, we better become the best lovers the WWC has ever known.