"The gentle and dreamy regions through which I crept were the patrimonies of poets--not crime's prowling ground."--Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

The Sleeper Eater/Queen Anne/Fri March 7/7:40 pm: Today, two police officers were dispatched to a Chinese restaurant to investigate a theft of services. Upon arrival, the officers contacted the restaurant's manager, who more or less told them the following: A white male of stocky build entered the restaurant at around 6:30 pm, sat by himself at a free table, and ordered $9.28 worth of food. During the next hour, the suspect alternated between eating and sleeping (with his head in his food). When done eating (and sleeping in) his food, a bill was placed on the man's table by the waiter. The man noticed the bill and began looking through his wallet for money. The man spent 10 minutes looking for money, claiming he had some but just had to locate it. The waiter warned the man that he would call the police if he couldn't settle the bill. The man then stood up and walked toward the exit. The waiter stepped in front of him. The man pushed the waiter with both hands. The waiter pushed back to keep the man from leaving the restaurant. The waiter was able to detain the suspect until the police arrived. The suspect was taken into custody and transported to the West Precinct.

The Jester on the Wheelchair/Downtown/Sat March 15/10:30 pm: While monitoring people shopping and browsing on the main floor of Barnes & Noble over closed-circuit video, a security officer noticed an old woman on an electric wheelchair who had a plastic-wrapped product on her lap. He watched the old woman get onto the elevator with the product still on her lap, but when she got off of the elevator, the product was no longer visible. The old woman on the wheelchair was stopped by the security officer when she attempted to leave the store without paying for the missing item. She was uncooperative and at one point reversed and pinned the security officer's hand against a wall with her wheelchair--causing an incredible amount of pain and two red swollen marks. Despite her dedicated resistance, the security guard was able to liberate his hand and repossess the missing product (James Patterson's latest novel, The Jester, on audio tape). The physically challenged suspect was trespassed from the premises for an unreported amount of time.

The Intoxicated Pan (Man) Handler/Downtown/Mon March 31/6:22 pm: Officer E. H. Johnson reports that upon arriving at the scene of the crime, a witness informed him that the suspect, a 35-year-old white male, suddenly, irrationally became very angry at the victim, a 32-year-old white male, and began throwing pots and pans about the kitchen. The witness stated that the suspect then picked up a large black frying pan and struck the victim on the top of the head several times. The suspect then fled from the apartment on foot. Officer Johnson checked the neighborhood for the suspect but failed to locate him. All parties involved were roommates and were intoxicated.