Here at The Stranger, we know that the holidays have a way of sucking the life out of you, and sometimes just plain sucking.

And we also know that making the picture-perfect turkey won't necessarily make your holidays less excruciating. My turkey last Thanksgiving was glorious (thank you, Martha S., for that cheesecloth tip), but it didn't keep my sister from getting in a big fight with my brother and locking herself in a bedroom for 48 hours.

What will make your holiday meals more fun is taking an active role in making your family more miserable than you are. It's interesting to note that the rumored uptick in suicides over the holidays is actually a myth, but there is some indication that domestic violence spikes in December. As it turns out, all that food, booze, and gift-induced credit-card debt makes people want to make other people suffer, not themselves.

So we're here to help you administer a more subtle kind of cruelty on those who make your holidays hell. Here's the thing that your mother has known for ages: Food is a terrific weapon of control within the family. In this spirit, our hostile holiday food guide helps you take the offensive with your holiday entertaining.

It gives you meals to punish your most taxing family members, with recipes custom-tailored to their allergies and aversions. For holiday deniers, who tend to put off grocery shopping until no real food store is open, we enlisted a team of Seattle chefs to show you how to make a palatable holiday meal with quickie-mart ingredients like CornNuts and melon-flavored breath strips. Finally, we offer you tips on holiday entertaining after your family clears out.

So here's wishing you a warm and festive holiday season, filled with cozy sweaters, hot toddies, and a healthy dose of schadenfreude.

SARA DICKERMAN