Comments

1
OMG, hysterical post, Dan. Thank you. And also: What does your doctor say about this?
2
Dan, we love you, but TAKE A BREAK! Doctor's orders!
3
So, we can all assume that this was posted by dictation then, because it certainly hasn't been 48h
4
I typed all of that with my LEFT HAND only.

It took an hour.
5
Ted Haggard is a heterosexual with several issues of gay porn in his underwear drawer.
6
I'd type for you, but I live far away in the icy, snowy lands of Ohio.

Doctor's orders, Dan. Take a break for your poor hands.

And, yes. Haggard's a hypocrite who should be called out on his baffling ideas. Most of the people who read Slog know that. The ones who should know probably do not read Slog.
7
Enough with the Ted fucking Haggard already!

(What time is his interview with Oprah today?)
8
I suggested he accept and love himself as a gay person. It would make him far happier and in time he would learn the futility of his current course. But never would I suggest this guy serve as a role model or liaison. That ship sailed when he started out denying this relationship and that sexual need. He is incapable of honesty either to himself or to others.
9
So Dan's relationship with his left hand is more vibrant than the average right handed person?
10
Great post, and WTF is wrong with Oprah. First Blagojevich and now this...
11
Way more information than I ever wanted about the Haggards' sex lives.
12
I'd like to volunteer to type up your posts!

But, I'll admit would have left out the last bit, hoping you wouldn't notice. For a minute it seemed like you were recognizing the existence of male bisexuality, and I was thinking that was pretty cool.

Not that I think Haggard is anything but a closet containing a blazing inferno, mind you.
13
I'm definitely going to watch the Oprah interview. I hope she goes after him, but, we'll see (the promos have a clip where she says "what are you most sorry about, being a hypocrite?").

Oh, and one more potential piece of wrist/arm advice... if you have a PC and are running VISTA, there's a somewhat decent speech recognition program that is loaded on your machine (called "Windows Speech Recognition"). Might be something worth investigating.

14
@9: I think according to Haggard's logic, this makes Dan left-handed with some right-handed issues.
15
There's been a lot of talk in the "gay community" about Haggard since Mike Jones dragged his lying, slimy, hypocritical ass out of the closet.

Dan, I expect better from you. You are bordering on straight homophobia.
16
I just want to hear him say, "How very dare you!"
17
We're taught in school, by our parents, by the church, that boys like girls, girls like boys, and a few girls like girls, a few boys like boys. We see evidence of heterosexuality and homosexuality, but very little evidence of bisexuality. We are told, subliminally and overtly, that we can't have it both ways, we have to choose. I think that's bullshit. I think they're envious.

I love men, Dan. I love all the things about men that you do. I love sucking cock, I love fucking the shit out of them, I love that most of the ones I've dated are laid back, smart, and play video games. I was even engaged to one, once.

But I've been attracted to women all my life, too. I find them just as beautiful, sexy, and alluring as you do. In fact, I have a date with one tomorrow, and I'm hoping to fuck the shit out of her.

So where does that leave me?

I'm not a "heterosexual with issues". I'm a fucking bisexual. Always have been, always will be.
18
It is way too late for Haggard to overcompensate. Other non-outted overcompensators should be aware that the truth is very obvivous to most people.
19
Just another of those heterosexual men with "issues" that you'll find all over Craigslist looking for gay men without "standards."

Funniest thing you've ever written.
20
Awful headline. I'd really rather not have to think about Ted Haggard's penis.
21
This is so sad. It would seem TH is still in denial.
22
how much do you wanna bet that Haggard's therapist doesn't believe in homosexuality?

besides, I don't see why "the gays" want him to come out as gay. the only people who really want him (I think) would be the "ex-gay" movement
23
Jebus, what planet is that interviewer from? "Q: ... serve as an inspiration to people coming out of the closet"? Seriously. WTF!!

Lets see... likes women at least enough to get married and occasionally have sex with one. Likes men desperately enough to hire male prostitutes, do drugs, and fuck male parishioners. Is so ashamed of it he builds one of the largest mega-churches in the country, and denounces gays at every opportunity. Gets dragged out of the closet in disgrace and evicted from the church he himself started.

Yep, quite an inspiration. Awesome. I want to be just like Ted!!
24
I actually wrote this post for Dan, seeing as I am acting as his hand. He dictated it to me via the tin can phone we have strung between our treehouses.
25
@4 Usually one handed typing is for something much more enjoyable than Ted Haggart or a doctor's orders. Poor Dan.
26
Does anyone else find Haggard strangely attractive? There's something about him that draws my attention, despite him being a hypocritical conservative.

Unfortunately, both my left and right hands have explored this matter.
27
men with "issues" that you'll find all over Craigslist looking for gay men without "standards."

What does the last part mean?
28
That poor man. There but for the grace of reality go I...


Also: (Haggard's)coming out would serve, at best, as a cautionary tale...

well put, Mr Savage..
29
"few us believe the attracted-to-women thing"

Nobody knows this but him, just the same as nobody can not believe you're actually attracted to men. Christians use this against us all the time -- the denial that our attraction and love is real -- so you're being midly hypocritical yourself to refute his claimed sexuality.

I'm not defending him.

30
I don't see anything in there about "vagina". I see "vibrant". Mrs. Haggard obviously has insanely low self-esteem. I can see her saying "how can I be more like a man for you, darling?"I'll bet she's pegging him until he bleeds. I'll bet he's wearing an extra-strength maxipad right now.
31
Am I the only on who can't help but think of Larry Craig when I see the phrase "heterosexual with issues?"
32
Dan's hand, in whatever incarnation, managed to type the following:

...never hard anyone say that Ted would serve as an "inspiration"...

Oh dear, here come the giggles again...
33
i think it is sad. i think TH doesn't believe a person is homosexual, or bisexual, which is why he didn't say he was. he thinks he is giving into sin, and quite likely doesn't want to.

or, he is a complete hypocrite. but that is difficult to reconcile with his continued attempts to "reform" and get back into ministry.

and young christian gays who are sincere see this and try harder to be attracted to the opposite sex.
34
@ 27: it means any gay guy that induldges the closeted "straight" guys on CL that "just want to bust a nut with a like minded discreet bud" has no standards. Gay guys with standards actually date guys; rather than hooking up for NSA sex that leaves one emotionally empty.

35
At best he's bisexual.

At worst he's gay and married to a woman.

But in all cases he's a hypocrite.
36
@34. Or, you could interpret it to mean that gay guys who have standards would only have NSA sex with other out gay gays (i.e., closeted "straight" guys should get no NSA sex from out gays). Not that I have any credibility to say anything about this, of course, since I'm a straight woman, but when has that ever stopped anyone on the internet...
37
@ 36: there are WAY more closet cases on CL than there are out guys. Out guys get laid the old fashioned way: MANHUNT.
38
I completely realize the existence of male bisexuals (really! I'm married to one!), but TH doesn't seem to fit the bill. I think the wife's just a cover, to himself as much as anyone else, and that their oh so vigorous (ew) sex lives are just good ol' tormented Haggard trying to prove it to himself over and over. Sometimes you've got to believe your lies. I'd say poor woman, but come on, TH's wife is probably hardly a nice, sweet, tolerant lady to be pitied.
39
What's wrong with Dan's hand? I missed something.
40
Just another gay man completely fucked up by religion.
41
Haggard is the very avatar of denial. As a member of the gay community I want to register my disgust for the idea that he could be a positive inspiration for closeted men; he is at best a negative example. If he were to proclaim himself gay as a spring bouquet it would do nothing for those who are struggling to become more open themselves.

I fear he will conclude that there is money in coming out and will do so to line his creepy pockets by going on the lecture circuit.
42
Bleh. I'd probably be sick to my stomach if I were his wife.

If he were 'vibrant sexing' me at all, I'd slap the living shit out of him.
43
If TH is "heterosexual with issues", what would former assistant dean of Regent Univ. Law School (part of Pat Robertson's Regent Univ.) Stephen McPherson be? He recently pleaded guilty to 2 counts of sodomy and 2 counts of object sexual penetration of two girls. He seems more of "heterosexual with issues".
Really sick, sick, sick, and evil issues.

http://www.bilerico.com/2009/01/a_child_…
44
He's the kind of guy I refer to as an Imnotgaybut. You know, the ones who start every private message or CL ad with "I'm not gay, but" and then go on to extol the virtues of smoking pole or teh buttsecks. OOOOkay, fella, whatEVER.
45
Did he deny thinking being homosexual was a sin in the interview? He didn't say "Yes, it's a sin!" but he didn't quite say "No, it's just fine" either. He says he thinks the "ideal" is to be in a hetero relationship, but not necessarily that it's -bad- to be gay/bi/whatev.

Based on his change from "HOMOS ARE EVIL" to "Well it's not God's -ideal- plan for them to be homos," I really think one day he's going to come to terms with his true sexuality and maybe he'll even be a gay rights advocate.

Then again, my rose-colored glasses are pretty damn thick.
46
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Oprah is being medium-tough on him so far.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
47
Dude, Britney Spears is a heterosexual with issues. You're just a fag.
48
"I am a heterosexual with issues,"

Understatement of the decade award, right there.
49
Best Ted Faggard headline ever!
50
I have never heard of Butt magazine.
51
Oprah could have been tougher on him.
52
RE: Ted Haggard puts his penis in...

From all the evidence that has come out, it appears that it really might be true that the wife is the only thing he puts his penis in.

With Jones, it was all jerking and touching, right? And with that kid at the church he just exposed himself and wanked.

Seriously? A good fucking (meaning someone puts their penis in HIM) would likely drop the scales from his eyes and change his life.
53
So, you think Haggard is a bottom, Daniel?
54
Wasn't there at least fingering or something going on with the methhead prostitute?
55
Does he believe that every single gay guy is also "heterosexual with issues"? Did Oprah ask him that?
56
He is a total bottom.
57
So, he's bi, or a bottom, or both?
58
Both.
59
new to slog, love you dan.
i have never heard of ted haggard. i like BUTT.
i wish we have a digg style comment system like this: http://www.daisyowl.com/ , it's useful and more fun for readers.
60
Jeez...I read that LAT interview and...I just felt sorry for the guy. I can no longer bring myself to get snarky about Mr. Haggard. Sure, he's been hypocritical in the past, but I see him as yet another victim of a homophobic world, not a perpetuator of that world.

One thing he seems to have learned: it's not a black-and-white world, it's all shades of gray. He's 100% right, human sexuality IS a complex thing.

Regardless of whether he specifically condemned homosexual activity (which is what the Bible condemns, as opposed to a homosexual orientation, which the writers of the Bible had no idea about) in the past or not, I tend to doubt that he'll do it now, playing the all-too-easy "I've been there, I know" card. At least I hope the man has at least a shred of integrity so that he'll just keep his mouth shut about the subject in the future. That's just me, though, I'm irrationally forgiving. I'm willing to give just about anyone a second chance, even Ted Haggard. And, yes, even Sam Adams.
61
It struck me as funny that he asked his therapist if he was gay. Seems like it's supposed to work the other way around: therapist asks him if he's gay.
62
The reason Ted is still in denial is because he is led to believe by his heterosexual Christian community that he will lose everything (family, church, salvation) if he admits that he is really gay (or Bi), rather than saying he has "issues". I was involved in the ex-gay movement for 10 years, but finally came to be honest with myself and God that this is who I am. God loves me the way I am. Nobody asks to be gay. If Ted was single, or didn't have kids, he would have divorced his wife by now. He is still in denial, and is still "performing" to please everyone in his Christian circles. It won't surprise me if he eventually divorces, once his children are adults. The Evangelicals are scared of homosexuality, because as a whole they are ignorant and don't want to go there. They want everyone to be straight like them, because it's "easier" on them. I feel sorry for Ted, I hope he will finally be honest with himself one day.

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