A Matter of Life and Death: That's how some floating homeowners feel about a proposed ramp for the Ride the Ducks amphibious tours.

The War on Cars: A bike messenger reported to the police that he had been chased and beaten in retaliation for kicking the wheel well of a car that honked at him aggressively. A passenger in the car, who the cyclist described as pregnant and screaming, is reported to have jumped out of the car and chased the cyclist before hitting him in the face with a stun gun. The driver of the car allegedly abandoned it in the intersection to also chase after, beat and taser the cyclist.

Thank Christ: It's Palm Sunday, and you know what that means! Anti-choice assholes in Everett will quit martyring themselves in opposition to the bodily sovereignty of women everywhere, eat a fucking burger, and put down their signs depicting praying fetuses. Amen.

Musharraf Back in Pakistan: After five years in exile, Pakistan's former military leader is back to run in the presidential election.

Tilda Swinton Is Sooo Tired: The actor, artist, and lazy bum spent a full day sleeping in the MoMA.

Syrian Spillover in Golan Heights: Israel destroys a Syrian machine gun post after gun fire crosses the border in the direction of an Israeli patrol.

Christian Bar Mitzvahs: Christians love Jews, God's other chosen people.

Double the Excellence: Two Seattle principals, double the usual number, will add $50k to their schools' budgets after receiving the Thomas B. Foster Award for Excellence.

Alleged Rape Over Drug Deal: Two men are accused of kidnapping and repeatedly assaulting a woman in Thurston County, alongside charges of intent to distribute methamphetamine. According to the court there have been “multiple unsubstantiated reports about Kearney raping men and women over illegal narcotics debts" in the past. PS to the Olympian, no need to qualify this rape as forcible (that's what rape is) in the headline.