News May 13, 2013 at 9:37 am


I approve of Dan being 34 because that makes me 28.
So Dan, your temples started graying when you were, what, 19?
Dogs should be barred from parks.
I'm imagining that guy leaving the house. Keys? Cellphone? Knife? Check. But no leash. Oh vey the idiocy of some people.
Hahahah, yes Dan dear. You & I, both 34. *eyeroll*

But I'm glad you're okay, & not a dog-kicker.
@3 IDK about Dan's temples, but I got a pair of Bride of Frankenstein style white stripes when I was 18. :/

But hey! I'm only 34! Yay.

Kinda never understood the whole lying about yer age, thing. My gay boyfriends begged me to start rolling back some years when I turned 30, because my aging meant they were aging too.

Them Dog Kickers

Mason Williams

How about Them Dog Kickers,
Ain't they crumbs?
Kickin' them doggies
In they buns.

Kickin' them Afghans,
Kickin' them mutts,
Kickin' them puppy dogs
Poor little butts.

Look at Them Dog Kickers,
Ain't they cute?
Some use a shower-shoe,
Some use a boot.

Them dadgum Dog Kickers,
Ain't they mean.
Run 'round kickin'
Ever dog what's seen.

How to be a Dog Kicker?
Don't need a ticket.
Find an old dog,
Haul off and kick it!
Why can't aggressive owners of aggressive, off-leash dogs be put to sleep?
34 and still severely fuckable.
This thread should be good!

/getting popcorn
@ 11, no doubt. Did you get a load of @ 4?
look what this youth gets for following your advice about beagle kicking.
Dan's next project: "It Gets Biter", a defense-against-aggressive-dogs promotion.
Is Dan seriously 34?

He looks more like he is in late forties.
@fnarf: I'm sorry but you leave me no choice - I'm buying you a puppy. Not some woebegone mutt doing 30 years to life in the pound, but a 9-week old rolly-pollying puppy from a gentle, intelligent, non-shedding breed.

After maybe 5 minutes of feeble protest, your grumpiness will melt, and your life will be dramatically improved. Your relationship with Mrs Fnarf will be enriched. You'll be forced to take daily walks to the park, where you'll have enjoyable interactions with your neighbors, including hot young women. Children will no longer run away from you in horror, but will approach you in the hope of petting the nice doggy. And you'll laugh at all the dog-hating idiots on SLOG, as only someone who once shared their ignorance but has since been enlightened can laugh.
@12 Let's see if we can double down on the moron quotient:

"Dogs should only be allowed on airless moons."


"Dogs should only be allowed... in mushroom fettuccine."

...Nah. That won't stir up enough shit.

Howz about: "All dogs should be tattooed with name "Cunty", trained to rape infants then packed with explosives and sent to daycares in Iraq."

There. That's almost equally as stupid.
I'd hope you dont hang out at Volunteer Park, either.
Dogs will bite you and dingoes will eat your baby.
@15 No, seriously, all kidding aside, Dan is really 34. He's just had a hard life.
Is that 34 in dog years?
@16, I've had dogs. I love dogs. Dogs love me. I don't like them in parks. Dog owners can't be trusted, period. Keep it in your yard or in your living room.
@1: Correction, that should be 26, not 28.
No, puppies are annoying.
An old grumpy butt-ugly mutt from the pound, best with some annoying character traits, will always melt my heart.
Raindrop, are you trying to seduce me?
@22 Oh. Well. Dogs love you? Then by all means champion that piece of legislation banning dogs from public parks there you exemplary "dog lover," you. It will no doubt make a very popular "dog lover."

Christ. Some times, Fnarf I... I... ugh... you need more actual human contact, that's all I can say.
There are a bunch of nasty geese that live around the building I work in. People like them because there are goslings running around in the spring, but personally I would rather go without the blocked traffic and goose shit everywhere.

Anyway, they like to hiss and bite you if you get too close. I find a foot to the breast makes them stop pretty quick. More a hard shove than kick, but they get the idea.

Most of them don't fuck with me anymore. The others will learn.
Also, just yesterday I saw the classic clueless Seattle dog owner scene: one of your hot young women whose giant fluff ball suddenly freaked out at the sight of some guy's big black beast, followed by five minutes of mutual lunging and snapping and the inevitable "oh my gosh, he's never done that before". I didn't notice any children running over to pet the nice puppy that time.

People like her actually annoy me more than gangbangers with pit bulls.
Dog owners are no different than drivers or bicyclists or real estate developers. If you enforce the law, they obey the law. If your law enforcement can't do its job, then they will flout the law. Not complicated.

Seattle needs to fix its law enforcement problem. Hire some cops, pay them well, and get control of the police force.

Seattleites kind of mind that the cops here don't do as they're told, but they don't mind all that much. If the people here really were bothered by an out of control police force, they'd make sure the problem got fixed. Seattleites secretly appreciate cops who go out of their way to profile minorities and give them a little extra physical punishment.

Seattleites are the problem. We need to face up to that. Dogs running loose are just a minor symptom of the larger issue: crypto-racist Seattleites like our loose cannon cops.

(Oh, and half the people ticketed for off leash dogs will be homeless. What is the Stranger going to say then? I bet we can guess.)
I wish people would just trade in their dogs for sloths. That would make city life much more livable.
And before some idiot (Will in Seattle? Are you there?) jumps in and starts talking about how in Paris people take their dogs everywhere, blah blah blah: it's illegal to take your dog into most Parisian parks -- and almost never on the lawns, and never ever ever off the leash.
@30 You'd think the constant attention needy people get from their smartphones and iPads and social media would be enough positive stroking. Neighbors don't complain when phones are left at home all day because they can't hear the phones, uptight/allergic patrons don't fuss when someone brings the mobile device into a retail food/drink establishment, no uptight greenies kvetch about the carbon footprint of mobile devices, one doesn't have to bring plastic bags when toting a mobile device along. And when was the last time a mobile device broke free from its owner and attacked/mauled someone else?
Reminds me of the time I was walking home, wearing a business suit, carrying my briefcase. Walked through a neighborhood a block from my house and on the opposite side of the street were some teenage boys and their dogs. They dog saw me and made a bee line for me barking and snarling.

I'm yelling "Call you dog!!!" and I only got that out once before the dog was right on top of me so I raised my briefcase up to shallop that fucking monster and the teenagers started yelling as me in a threatening tone: "Don't you hit that fucking dog !!!"

So now I'm using the briefcase as a shield between me and the dog while yelling at this kid so get the dog so it won't bite me. He's saying, "He doesn't bite !"

Well, the kid got the dog to back off and I kept going while these punks were yelling shit at me. I told them I'd call the cops on them if the dog bite me.

Never saw the dog again. But I'm still pissed about it. Happened 33 years ago. Fucking assholes.
I spent mid-day Sunday persuading the county animal control officer to drive over from a town 15 miles away and have a look at an unfamiliar, skittish dog that was shitting out clumps of barely digested nightcrawlers about every five feet on my lawn.

Just as she was wooing him with some Beggin' Strips, the owners sauntered up—they were visiting from a town 50 miles away, having just returned from a camping trip, and the dog ran away from them.

So they decided to go shopping.

I hope he saved some worms in his rectum for the trip home.
Yeah, I don't get the lying about your age thing either. When I tell people my age they often say they thought I was a decade younger. That's always nice. Lying about it just leads to people think you are one haggard 30-something.
@ 29, homeless people should be responsible owners if they're going to keep dogs. I don't want them denied a choice, but living on the streets doesn't mean being a bad owner is more acceptable. That said, I can't recall ever seeing a homeless dog owner who didn't have a leash.

@ 35, it's a joke, like Jack Benny being 39.
33: What you should have done was give the dog a gentle massage, then suggested that maybe you discuss your differences over a warm cup of herbal tea (your treat, of course). Otherwise you're denying the validity of the dog's feelings, which makes you a hateful anti-dog monster.

Those "punks" were simply wonderful enlightened individuals who recognize that a dog, being virtually identical to a person in terms of psychology, needs as much autonomy as a functioning adult human does.
"Does your dog bite?"


------------dog bites--------

"I thought you said that your dog does not bite."

"That is Not my dog!"
We know it wasn't a pit bull. If it had been, the breed would have been listed in the headline.
Given that this was a stabbing and not a mauling, I think it's a fine piece of evidence for the "It's the owners, not the dogs" side of this perennial argument.
I think we need to ban guys with knives in parks, since that seems to be the real problem here. The dog? Scary, annoying. The guy with the knife? Sends someone to the hospital.
I wonder if James6 will be able to post comments from jail.
@38- Best joke ever. Let's watch a master put it through it's paces:…
Everyone's 34 on the internet.
If Dan is 34 then I am 37. I look like fucking hell for 37. :(
Wait, I was 34!


One of the best Clouseau lines ever! Thanks, 38 and 43!
If the dog really did charge him, then the young many really was right to kick it.
Dan, pretty soon you're going to be too young for your own column!
@ 39, if it were a pit, the victim would have been torn apart.
Just pointing out "nonexistent media bias". If any other breed is involved in an incident, headline will read DOG ATTACK. With any dog having blocky features there is this other, menacing-separate-from-other-dogs-creature-scarier-than-dog-Pit bull category.

@51.Really, then how ever did Colleen survive her attack? Reports I've read mention stitches to one part of her body...but no shredding or being torn to pieces.
Indeed, that would make me 36, and I've never kicked a dog before either, although if necessary, I won't rule it out.
@31 I confirm about Paris.

Small parks are mostly children playgrounds and are forbidden to dogs ; there are little doors to prevent vagrant dogs from coming in.

Most lawns are forbidden to people, so obviously they would be forbidden to dogs too.

As far as I've seen, even beggars' dogs are on a leash.
2013-1960=34. Good to know, Dan.

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