OOPS: Putin says that Russian soldiers captured in Ukraine entered that country by mistake—they were looking to invade Finland and got lost. Putin and Ukraine's president meet in Belarus today for talks two days after pro-Russian Ukrainian militants (and some pro-Russian Russian militants) paraded Ukrainian prisoners of war through the streets of rebel-held, Ukraine-shelled Donetsk, a violation of the Geneva Convention.

Burger King Now Welfare Queen: An American hamburger chain buys a Canadian donut chain so it can move its corporate headquarters to Canada in order to avoid paying US corporate taxes. So, hey, maybe we should raise the minimum wage at Burger King outlets to $25 an hour—they can afford it, right? Or maybe we should tax their outlets for the use of the sidewalks that their customers use to get in their lousy restaurants? And maybe a diabetes surcharge?

Ebola: Forty percent of Americans believe there will be a large outbreak of Ebola in the United States, and a quarter of all Americans believe that someone in their immediate families will contract the deadly disease. One hundred percent of health officials believe that 40 percent and 25 percent of Americans are being ridiculous drama queens.

The Morning's Worst News:

A third American hostage held by ISIS has been identified as a 26-year-old American woman who was kidnapped a year ago while doing humanitarian relief work in Syria. The terror group is demanding $6.6 million and the release of U.S. prisoners for the life of the young woman, who the family requested not be identified.

The Emmys: Here, here, here, and here. All you need to know: Sarah Silverman brought pot to the Emmys (and did a little show-and-tell on the red carpet), Cary Joji Fukunaga became a sex symbol, and Emmy voters only gave Emmys to people and shows that they had given Emmys to before.

Screw as I Say, Not as I Screw: The GOP's conservative "family values" voters have already sent a jet-setting adulterer back to Congress and an adulterer who admitted to patronizing prostitutes (and is suspected of wearing diapers while doing so) back to the Senate—so why wouldn't they hand the GOP nomination to a conservative, "pro-life" doctor who pressured his wife to have two abortions and slept with his patients?

The Libertarian Tipping Point? Yeah, no. You would actually need some libertarians for that. And there aren't many of them out there. "Libertarian" is just something embarrassed conservatives call themselves—kinda like when liberals started calling themselves "progressives."

NRA MIA in WA: The National Rifle Association isn't making much noise while rich Washington residents throw money at supporters of Initiative 594, which would close the "gun show loophole." Goldy is nearly ready to call it for supporters of sane gun control.

Nothing to See Here: Police claim black man shot himself in the back while sitting in a police car with his hands cuffed behind his back. Nope, says the coroner, that black guy shot himself in the chest while sitting in a police car with his hands cuffed behind his back. It gets worse: The police searched Victor White twice. They found some pot on him the first time, and a "small amount of cocaine" the second time. But they somehow missed the gun the police claim White had on him and used to commit suicide. In the backseat of a police car. With his hands cuffed behind his back.

The Headline That Made Getting Up Super Early to Do the "Morning News" Totally Worthwhile: "Kid Rock Subpoenaed to Produce Glass Dildo as Evidence in Insane Clown Posse Lawsuit."