To: Steven Hsieh
Subject: Welcome to The Stranger!
First of all, on behalf of the entire Stranger Media/Keck Family Publishing Enterprises family, welcome to Seattle. We are thrilled you've accepted the offer of NEWS EDITOR, and we look forward to a long, fruitful working relationship. In addition to the usual paperwork—NDA, W-4, I-9, next of kin, organ donor, tissue and blood sample, and fecal swab—we ask all new hires who are moving from out of state to complete one final form. It's a bit unorthodox, but we believe you'll see why it's an essential component of the work we do. See you in the office! Warmly, Shiraz Blomqvist Executive Vice President, HR
DECLARATION OF SEATTLE PRINCIPLES
As a new Seattle transplant, coming to town at the behest of Keck Family Publishing Enterprises, I hereby vow not to knowingly engage in actions that may damage the reputation of The Stranger and its subsidiary companies, or through my behavior cause actual harm to people who actually live here.
To wit: I, STEVEN HSIEH, in my role as STRANGER NEWS EDITOR pledge:
• Never to drive a car when I could otherwise be taking mass transit.
• That if I do drive a car, I will be extremely deferential to pedestrians and bicyclists, while remaining assertive, but not passive-aggressive, to the other drivers on the road (whom I also pledge to scold for driving when they might have taken mass transit, or simply walked, if they've ever even heard of walking).
• Never to patronize any business when a competing business that has been open for a longer time is available within walking or mass transit distance.
• When a business that has been open for longer than five years goes under for any reason, to write a sentimental article about the cost of gentrification on the Seattle I know and love.
• To know and love Seattle.
• To complain about the weather, as and when appropriate (e.g., more than two consecutive days of rain or sun).
• Not to ask anyone what bands in "the local scene" are worth checking out.
• Never to dance in public, except as a means of mocking someone else who is dancing in public.
• To publish, within my first six months on staff, an article that inspires a commenter to use the phrase "a new low, even for The Stranger."
• Not to take an interest in sports, unless it's the Mariners, Seahawks, or whatever the soccer team is called.
• To do my best to avoid having political opinions that betray any relativism or nuance, particularly where democratic candidates are concerned.
• Always to laugh, at least a little, when someone makes reference to drinking alcohol or coffee as a means of coping with life's stresses.
• To refer to all employees of any company not The Stranger as "tech bros."
• Not to be seen in the Pike-Pine corridor east of Summit Avenue and west of 12th Avenue between the hours of 5 p.m. Friday and 9 a.m. Monday without an expression of disdain.
• To defend the sovereignty of Eretz Yisroel—with my life, if necessary.
Employee signature:
Steven Hsieh, Stranger News Editor
