Dear Motorist Stuck on the Ballard Bridge for 45 Minutes: My parents are visiting Seattle for the first time. Can you suggest any cool places to take them?
—Janice R., Fremont
GAAAAAHHHHH FUCKING GODDAMN TRAFFIC SHIT... FUCKING MOVE! (Honk! Honk!) MOVE YOUR GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT CAR! (Honk!) YOU WANT SOME ADVICE? TELL YOUR PARENTS TO STAY AWAY FROM SEATTLE, UNLESS THEY WANT TO BE STUCK FOREVER IN A GODDAMN TRAFFIC NIGHTMARE! (Hoooonk!) MOVE! MOVE ALREADY, YOU IDIOT!
Dear Motorist Stuck on the Ballard Bridge for 45 Minutes: I love my husband dearly, but he's constantly interrupting me. He even interrupts when I point out his interruptions! How can I be expected to—
—Donna W., Northgate
(Hoooooooooonk! Honk! Honk! Hoooooooonk!) OH MY GOD, SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PERSON DOING? DID YOU SEE THAT? STUPID TRUCK ALMOST MERGED RIGHT INTO ME! NO SIGNAL, NO NOTHING! HEY! HEY, DUMMY! I EXIST! YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET HOME ANY FASTER, DIPSHIT! OHHHH, OF COURSE! HE'S FROM CALIFORNIA. YOU'RE THE REASON WE'RE ALL STUCK IN TRAFFIC, MORON! (Honk! Honk! Honk!)
Dear Motorist Stuck on the Ballard Bridge for 45 Minutes: There's a woman at work who's single, and we flirt occasionally. What's the best way to ask her out without coming off like a creep?
—Don B., Kent
OH GOD, KILL ME! TAKE MY LIFE! I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! IT'S SO FUCKING HOT, I CAN BARELY BREATHE FROM THE SMOKE IN THE SKY, AND THE CITY DOESN'T CARE! THEY JUST KEEP SHUTTING DOWN LANES, TRAPPING ME LIKE A RAT! AND THE BICYCLISTS JUST KEEP SPEEDING BY, SMIRKING! HEY! HEY, BIKE TRASH! YOU THINK YOU'RE HOT SNOT, DON'TCHA? WELL... WELL... (Sobs.) YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE JUST... not. (Sobs.) And while you're making your move on your coworker (which I don't recommend, BTW—it's never worth it), I'll still be here, rotting away on this bridge, missing my family and sipping on a crushed half-empty Capri Sun that's been sitting in the back seat for a month. Please... please, god. Just let me off this bri— HEY! HEY!!! ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TRYING TO MERGE IN FRONT OF ME AGAIN? FUCK (Honk!) YOU (Honk!), CALIFORNIA! (Honk!) FUCK (Honk! Honnnnnnnnk! HONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN—)