Good show, although the second caller (the one who found cutting others to be therapy) made me a little nervous. I strongly agree with Dan and Mrs. Matisse's conclusion that she needed to prove she could control her urges before going hog-wild on somebody with a knife.

Also, here's an offensive question. At some point I would like to hear the story of how Mrs. Matisse became ex-gay. Was it an epiphany one morning? A visionary commandment from God(ess)? Pure boredom with lady parts? Any sort of conscious choice? Just curious.
If the caller who likes the mutually rough sex sees this. I know pretty much how you feel, I have similar issues, am similarly insatiable (when not on hormonal birth control) and love sex thats almost like fighting. If you want to commiserate with someone who totally understands respond to this and we can figure out a way to get in touch without letting the whole internet know personal details.
I wonder if the second caller has tried engaging in some contact sports or martial arts? I know it isn't the same as sex, but something like roller derby, or some kind of martial arts or boxing might help her exercise some of her violent energy outside of the bedroom.

I hope she finds the partner she wants, but maybe having another violent outlet will help her find some peace in the interim.
I was with you both right up until the end. Why would you say that a D/s relationship can't work for more than a little while? I know all sorts of people in relo's with varying degrees of D/s who never step out of it, and it works out great for everyone. Those relationships are more than five years old, so it's not a passing phase. Maybe it's not your thing, but why say it can't ever happen? That's like denying bisexuality.
Dan, it would be nice to hear from a dominant woman at some point who isn't a pro-domme. We don't automatically assume that sex workers are sex experts, so why are pro-dommes automatically deemed experts on female dominance? Maybe that's why you have so many callers thinking about being pro-dommes... the minute any woman is thinking of female dominance she thinks of getting paid for it, because that's the only image of female dominance that we know.

Not sure if I agree with the observation that there are more subs than doms. Count at play parties and you will notice that scenes other than male-dominates-female are rare. Man doms seem to dominate muches too, and a large number of vanilla guys are in fact dominant (think, for example, about the common reluctance among vanilla men to give cunnilingus), which is just viewed as 'normal' for a guy, not kinky at all...

So I wonder if your queer lady caller's issue finding another queer lady dominant might be more to do with the fact that female dominance is not really socially acceptable (and so strongly associated with paid work), rather than that there's just an all-round lack of dominants. The advice to keep looking was good advice though.
Also here's some research that backs up what I said:
Among my interviewees, for example, the majority of heterosexual women identified as bottom/submissive (71%), while the majority of heterosexual men identified as top/dominant (75%). Further, only 14% of the heterosexual women were top/dominant; 6% of the heterosexual men identified as bottom/submissive

So according to this survey it's the opposite of what Dan and Mistress Matisse thought; it suggests that dominants actually outnumber submissives.
Not sure how the study you cited relates to the caller's conundrum. She identifies as a lesbian submissive who seeks a female dominant. The study you cited states that dominants outnumber submissives among heterosexual men, but that submissives outnumber dominants in heterosexual women. If the finding in this study about the prevalence of dominance in straight women also holds true for queer women then this study does not contradict what Dan and Mistress Matiesse said. However, the study did not survey queer identified women in the BDSM scene, thus it is possible that dominance is much higher among queer women. In light of the study you cited, I would argue that perhaps Mistress Matisse overgeneralized her statement that dominance is underrepresented in the BDSM community since there seems to be opposite trends between the sexes in the heterosexual BDSM community. The rate of dominance in the straight BDSM community y is probably of little importance to the caller. It would be more interesting (and relevant) to see a similar study on dominance in the lesbian/bisexual BDSM scene.
@1: I don't think she's exactly "ex-gay", I'm pretty sure she identifies as bi. From reading her blog I've gathered that she liked identifying as a lesbian but eventually had to admit that she was also attracted to men. I'm pretty sure she still plays with both.

@5: Maybe vanilla guys consider themselves more "dominant", but that's a whole different ballgame from kinky people who consider themselves dominant. A vanilla "dominant" is usually not all that useful for someone who's seeking someone to make them bleed or tie them up or give them bruises everywhere, because most vanilla people just won't go there. Also, I haven't actually met too many guys who weren't into cunnilingus, so I don't really know what you're talking about there.
@Buffy On the podcast Ms Matisse says 'there are in the world, generally, a lot more bottoms than tops', and then goes on to say that's why she has a career (ie, women dominating men), so presumably she's meaning that this 'more bottoms than tops' thing exists in the straight scene as well as in the gay scene. This same claim also appears in Easton and Hardy's 'The Topping Book' with no evidence given. I think you're right that info about prevalence of D v s in the straight scene isn't that relevant to the caller, but it IS relevant to the claim that Ms Matisse made.

As for the prevalence of D v s in the queer women's community, there isn't much data on that, but does point to one study:…
The result table is hard to read, but if you get there you'll see that the researchers found no strong skew towards subbiness in queer women (if anything, it's towards toppiness). This is just one study, but really what I'm doing here is not so much disagreeing with Ms Matisse, but suggesting that there isn't any evidence to support her (and Easton and Hardy's) claim of subs outnumbering doms.

@alquna_rubia I think you're quite right that vanilla guys are much more likely to draw the line at leaving marks or drawing blood, but that's also not necessarily what anyone who wants to be dominated is looking for. I don't run into the cunnilingus-dodging guys either, but that may be because I'm a top. My female friends frequently complain of them.
The woman who loves rough sex revived my fantasies of making it with Worf!
For the callers who were flummoxed trying to find someone else who shared their flavour of kink, I recommend It is a free, FB like site that can help just about anyone find others who share what they like.
[url=]"...those who showed evidence of a prior oral infection with human papillomavirus (HPV) were 32 times more likely to develop the cancer."[/url]
Oh... i meant to compliment with this link:… so the first caller would know that his risk of death because of throat cancer might have increased from 0.0022% to 0.07%

too the rough lesbian I sure that there are other girls out there like me how would be down and also have pretty insatiable sex drivers (or at lest that what i been told)

good luck
I love when Dan has Mistress Matisse as a guest.
Dan, I've loved you since your "Hey Faggot" days, but there's something you really, really need to ask when a kinky person living at home might be "splattered by self-loathing or shame" -- are your parents (still) hitting you? That might be the most pertinent "splatter-effect."

There are people who are biologically-oriented toward being subs and biologically-oriented toward being doms, and then there are those who get interested when a partner encourages the sensation to bloom.

Plenty of people, like me, deal with with years of physical abuse that represent a stolen submissive sexuality. Having one's hair repeatedly jerked, being slapped... being punched, bruised and beaten... these are sex acts for a dom/sub.

This wasn't "domestic abuse" for me when I was in my late teens/early 20's, it's not strawberry-rhubarb pie for a chronically ill bisexual woman like me -- It was a a variety of rape.

Consider these issues when telling a woman/man to avoid sex work because she/he lives at home. In this economy, it could be a revenue stream that will get a person out of a situation that is sexually abusive in ways vanillas don't perceive as valid.

Hey Dan,

Just wanted to elaborate a little on a comment you made with regard to the caller who found that bdsm helped her deal with emotional pain. You mentioned that her comments reminded you of how people who cut themselves describe the experience; that it, paradoxically, alleviates their pain.

While it's true that many people who self-injure report that they do it because it makes them feel better in the moment, it's pretty important to point out that it's not a positive or healthy coping skill and can be extremely dangerous. Self-injury is a behavior that typically escalates and even though people who cut themselves rarely intend to kill themselves, it is possible to accidentally inflict very serious injuries upon oneself. Even if no permanent physical damage is done, it almost always indicates that the individual is in very serious distress that is unlikely to resolve itself without help.

I definitely agree with you that kinks in general and bdsm in particular do not indicate that an individual is in psychological distress, but if you're doing any behavior (and especially one that can be dangerous) in order to avoid feeling a type of emotional distress that is debilitating, it's outside the realm of normal kink and into the realm of self-destructive behavior.

Just wanted to make sure that a distinction is drawn between wanting to be hurt because it's sexy and turns you on and wanting to be hurt because physical pain feels better than emotional pain.

Here's a resource for individuals who are falling more into the latter category:

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