Podcasts Mar 19, 2012 at 10:58 am


Oh my god I love the mobster-furry at the very end!
I really hope the Breast Brigade doesn't get you, Dan, because I completely agree with you.

To the caller with the girlfriend asking for a pass, in addition to what Dan said in arguing for the pass, don't forget, if you give her this pass, it *does not* automatically mean you have to give a pass on other activities every time she asks for one!
I don't think the high schooler was given much advice on how to handle the self-identified lesbian who he thinks is flirting with him. If he wants to ask her out but doesn't want to come across as insensitive to her self-identity, I think he should say something like, "Hey, I know you're a lesbian, but I have to admit that if you weren't I would totally ask you out. You're really cool. Too bad for me." Then the ball's in her court. If he misinterpreted her actions, I don't think she would find his statement offensive. If she really does like him and want to date him, then she has to come out (at least to him) as not being 100% lesbian.
@3 - that's some really good advice. He would do well to follow it.

I can just hear the annoyed lesbians calling in to say Anna Pulley is de-legitimizing lesbianism with her bisexcapades. As though it's against the Lesbian Code of Honor to fuck a dude once in a while. Ridiculous.

Dan knocked it out of the park this podcast. Well done, man! And the last call was my favorite ever.
The first caller...why is she on birth control? If it is only to have sex, why take bc that kills her sex drive? Go off it, get condoms, do something that doesn't require contraception, like the oral that her husband is offering.

I know this is only one of her issues, but it seems like taking BC is just adding onto the pile of problems, not solving any of them.
Awesome podcast this week. One criticism, Dan: when a woman isn't in the mood for sex, "sitting on his face" is not an option. The caller explicitly said, "I don't want anything down there," yet you didn't seem to hear her. It's not the first time you've told women to do this, and you've got to stop. Hand jobs, blow jobs, or letting him rub one out between your buttocks, fine. Cunnilingus? No fucking way.

Anyway -- love, love, love Amy on this one! The kids-and-their-bodies questions were adorable and the advice was so dead on.
@1 - Came on to comment that I totally agree, I hope they got his number to have a semi-official Furry representative. Amy was ok.
...good episode, overall.
@6, I totally agree. Plus usually the guy doesn't get so turned on by cunnilingus itself, rather by his partner getting turned on by cunnilingus, which isn't going to happen here.
Dan. I understand your point on the Tyler Clementi case but unfortunately our laws have no ore recourse. If you think about your argument and apply it to the soldier who killed the afghans. I'm sure he didn't wake up one day and honk it was a nice day to go murder some people. It was the number of deployments, family stresses (losing the house), etc that all piled up. There are many cases of unfair justice!

I agree we need to find better ways to educate our children and our citizens about diversity and tolerance, and I thank you for your efforts as I think you are doing a fantastic job!
I'm a married straight woman that breastfed for 20 month. After that, I needed to go back to the pill to be able to regulate my hormones. Before having my daughter I was super intense and very sexual. When she was a baby and I was breastfeeding her my libido went as down as possible. That's way I went back to the Pill. It helped a lot. I also bought a dildo to help improve our sex live and we are back on track! (it took 2 years, but IT GOT BETTER)
Uh. I think you guys flipped way farther out than necessary about that lego story. I learned two ways to pop by 5 years of age, neither of which involved putting anything in or even near my vagina, and I learned on my own without the benefit of instruction. I wish I'd been introduced to a precocious child with a lego collection before my impractical masturbatory techniques got hardwired in. At seven or eight--much too late for me--my cousin and I went to her rich-girl friend Giselle's house and Giselle (not her real name but it was something like that) demonstrated how to manipulate your "vagina" (which is what children are taught to call the vulva, very unfortunately, since it leads to the kind of misunderstanding we see in this lego story) with: 1. a paperclip 2. a twist-tie from a sack of bread and 3. a pair of scissors. She also demonstrated how if you needed to take a short break you could tuck your paperclip "in your vagina" (that is to say, between your labia majora and minora) for later. She showed us that you can do that and then walk around and it will stay put--you know, in case you have to run an errand or whatever and want to keep your sportin' equipment handy. I think this was another Giselle and I think what was going on with the lego was not what everybody over the age of six pictured at all. Unless the adults actually witnessed lego insertion, I wouldn't give any credence to the insertion theory. There is no way a pre-pubescent female would voluntarily insert anything in the vaginal canal because it would hurt because girls don't lubricate until they hit puberty. Who is looking at this situation like adults are not the children but, predictably, all the adults, who apparently don't remember being five. Twelve or thirteen may be when some boys learn to play with their poles, but girls learn much earlier than that about the little man in the boat.
I agree with @12. Dan and Amy were a bit mean to the callers with children. I think it is a good sign that they are concerned about their children's future sexual health, even if they are unsure of how to go about that. I don't think the mother of the lego girl was "on crack" though.

The 6 year olds might have been placing the legos in the vagina or just "on" the vulva. Who knows. It's not a slippery slope from legos to dick anymore than masturbation is a slippery slope to sex... It's also normal for young children to engage in some sex play or body exploration, and there is nothing inherently damaging about that. If I were the parents I would remind the child that her body is her own, and that she shouldn't let other people touch her down there or insert things in her vagina, and that she should respect other people's body space too. And also that she shouldn't put anything sharp or dirty in there.
Disagree with @ 12 and 13 I don't think Dan and Amy overreacted at all to the parents calling in regarding the legos and the squirt gun question. In regards to what the father saw, it is normal for young kids to explore their own bodies, (in solitude) but inserting objects into their bodies can potentially be dangerous even if they aren't sharp or dirty. It is good that she didn't freak out, but she still could have calmly but firmly stated that the girls should not be inserting anything into their vaginas. The mother's lax reaction was downright permissive.

Okay, this is not related to the podcast, but the Savage Love page. There's a link on the right to ITMFA.com- a page which appears to have expired, as there's nothing but a domain squatter there now. But the title of it said something about 14 year old sex- and that's really, really creepy.

I know Dan isn't endorsing pedophilia or anything like that, but I am curious what ITMFA used to be. Any hints?
Breastfeeding killed my libido. Luckily, being 40 has supercharged it so to the bf'ing mom just hang in there and relax. This is a very short (and special) time in your life with your baby and I stress short so enjoy it without feeling bad or guilty about anything.
@15: Impeach The Mother Fucker Already. Dan's crusade to impeach President Bush. I can't remember what set it off nor how long it lasted. http://www.impeachthemotherfuckeralready… is still online.
Dan, Dan, Dan...regarding the new mom. Not the greatest advice.

I agree she should be patient, but if she's itchy she should be assured she's healing but there are natural things she can do to increase her libido that won't affect her breast feeding.

Natural peanut butter increase testosterone in women just slightly which will increase desire. As well as weight lifting, if she's allowed to work out. I know it's hard to get to the gym (or impossible) but while you're awake and the baby is upset she can rock the back while she does squats or lunges (the benefit being the baby will increase weight increasing the challenge as time goes by) she can hold the baby and do calf raises. She can lay the baby on a yoga mat and do push ups over him and kiss her every rep.

There's a lots a of resources for this and most women who continue with activity or begin activity including weight resistance to build lean muscle that will back up my advice here(also speaking from experience).

If she's feeling drained still and still taking her pre-natal vitamins (which I hope she is) she should increase her B-12 and Iron intake.

If there's a Y in her city,some them offer baby and mommy yoga.

Fine for people who want to be, but I am not a s*.
Little known fact that the hormones that are increased with breastfeeding decrease libido. 24 hours after I weaned my daughter I was ready to go... You know what I mean. The difference was night and day so I know it wasn't just that my libido was slowly improving. The next time I had a kid I weaned him earlier (8 months vs. 1 year) so that my husband and I could start up a little sooner. We had the hindsight to know that once I weaned my son things would get better, and they did. So it was easier dealing with the lack of libido knowing it would return soon.
Dan gave good advice to the breastfeeding woman on birth control, this is temporary. However, another option to consider is a copper IUD. No hormones, prevents pregnancy, and you can still breastfeed. It only addresses 1 of the 2 issues but may help enough to curb her anxiety about this.
Freshly washed kittens are extremely sharp. Just sayin'....
oh my god. you guys are sooooo freaky prudish crazy. i guess it's just cos your american, but still that is no excuse. 5 year olds ARE sexual. that is normal. why shouldn't they do it with each other? i can't believe this woman. sexual = adult??!! i think her 'hiding' it is the issue... the shame is a red flag, yes. it probably means her parents are as twisted as this woman with her 'advice'.
@12 brings up a good point, that the term "vagina" can easily be an imprecise one, especially for little kids. When I was little, my understanding of the anatomy of my genitals was incredibly simple- I knew I had a vagina and that it had a hole in it, somewhere, that pee came out of, and a funny lumpen tunnel that confused me because it led nowhere and was so very sensitive to the touch (my early understanding of my clitoris). And being a curious young thing, I explored my "vagina" a lot. I even put things in it-- or in what I now know is called the "vestibule," if you're being really precise, that tender little area between the inner labia- which is still a bad place for dirty, sharp things, or to be touched by the wrong people, but is a far cry from actually sticking things in one's actual vagina at age five or six or whatever. This isn't to say all little girls are as ignorant/innocent of such things as I was, but it strikes me as quite likely.
"But you just gave them permission to dildo the hell out of themselves with whatever they feel is not sharp!"

I had to stop and laugh at that for a while.
Re the scar tissue and the itching and the irritation: it's healing. Scars itch when they heal. It might be a big scar and it might be months of healing. That too will come with time.
Hi all. I'm the breastfeeding mom with the shot libido. Thanks so much for all the reassurance here in the comments. It's really helpful to hear from so many people with similar experiences. I am hoping to wean REALLY soon - my goal was a year of nursing, and his first birthday is coming up - but he's giving me a lot of trouble, which is prolonging the agony a bit.

Unfortunately I didn't hear Dan's response before my husband and I got into a huge fight after I let him go down on me and didn't seem to enjoy myself enough, after which he asked for a "date" when things would go back to normal. I now know that this really is connected to breastfeeding (I hope!) and it's given me an extra kick in the pants to get the show on the road with weaning.

Oh, and re: little girls and legos: as someone who masturbated when I was 5, as I said in the call -- it was never "sexual" but just sort of an exploratory rubbing of the clitoris. It felt good, but not great the way it did once I hit puberty. And it NEVER involved insertion, which I can't imagine feeling good for a little girl!
If someone invades your privacy and videos you being intimate in your own place, please call the police. Ignore what Dan says about "crucifixion." Clearly Dan's brain has been eaten.
Poor GMTB! My wife also breastfed for a year but most of her loss of libido had to do with exhaustion from child care. Don't rush to wean until it feels appropriate for your kid. If your husband can't wait until the process completes itself naturally, he has more growing up to do than your kid does. You probably don't want to be one of those hyper-long nursers, but if your husband is pressing you for a date, you should tell him it will be approximately four weeks after he stops pressuring you about it.
I'm disappointed that Dan let this get by him, and I also find it revealing that no one else has commented on this. While responding in a kinda all over the place fashion to the kid who likes a lesbian, Anna Pulley mentioned the flexibility in the way different people define "kinky," a by now banal observation that Dan touches on all the time. This comes at 24:30. Listen to what she says. The freaky thing from her perspective is "japanese rope bondage fetish" -- whatever that is -- as opposed to, y'know, a "good ol' fashioned foot or choking fetish."
Whoever these breath players are, they sure have good lobbyists. This predilection for asphyxiation just keeps creep creep creeping towards vanilla status. I for one am creep creep creeped out just by the aesthetics of it, and have been gratified to know that this is one grotesque perversion that you can fail to be gggame for and still say you're only heeding sex-positive sex advice columnist Dan Savage's sage admonitions against possibly killing or getting killed in pursuit of a simple orgasm.
Dudes are wringing the necks of their sex partners in an alarming proportion of the porn I google up for the occasional wank. I can't think of the many other examples I've come across, but I also recall seeing or hearing casual references to choking chicks on movies or teevee as of late.
This is a personal vendetta I've got, by the way -- an ax I gotta grind -- because my distaste for choking was unfairly diagnosed as sexual incompatibility in a relationship that otherwise stands as my favorite gf ever. Fuck that shit, man. So Dan, please reassert the abnormality of choking. I'd sooner get japanese rope bondaged any day of the goddamned week.
I'm a female. I have a good friend who is male and IDs as gay. However he quite enjoys sex with women (since I've slept with him several times, I can say this quite for sure) and I know of a handful of other women he's slept with and had relationships with. And several men. All mixed together time-line wise. Just because someone says they're gay or bi or straight, to me, isn't a 100% guarantee that they only enjoy or seek out sex with genders that matches what they say they are. He knows he enjoys and openly admits to having sex with women, but he still calls himself gay. Go fig. People. :)
I know a lot of women do lose their libidos while breastfeeding but it's not universal. What really killed mine was the exhaustion of having a baby. Mine both breastfed until they were 3 (does that make me 3/4 of the way to crazy?) and my libido was back well before then.
Just wanted to say, the transition from a heavy intro about the Tyler Clementi suicide to an exuberant advertisement for Extreme Restraints and their fucking machines was awkward and distasteful. Perhaps you could be a bit more judicial with the editing?
er, judicious!
I want to ad some perspective about the concern you had for the young girls experimenting with Lego. From about the age of four I was sexually inquisitive. I tried to have sex with my 'boyfriend' at kindergarten. I knew that it was something that we probably shouldn't be doing and so we found a quiet corner of the playground to see what we could accomplish. I don't remember if kissing was involved it was more about trying to insert his tiny flaccid penis into my vagina. Later on at primary school various groups of girlfriends would fool around together making tissue paper penises that we would try and insert in each other. Again, done in secret. On a couple of occasions (when I was aged around 8) I would coerce younger friends into various types of sexual play.

The pendulum swung the other way in my teens and I didn't lose my virginity until I was 21. Now as a 34 yr old I have a relatively low libido.

I had assumed that it was natural and common for most children to experiment with sexual play, but after listening to the pod cast I can't help but think that I was damaged in some way that lead me to act in an adult manner at such a young age. The only things I can think to link it to was the easy access I had to sneaking glances at my dad's porno magazine collection (he was separated from my mum and lived in a house with other men who had a shared magazine collection in the lounge coffee table) and the fact that I remember from a young age hearing and seeing my mum and her partner engaging in a variety of sexual acts.

I'm really surprised that Dan and Amy Lang took the attitude they did towards child sexuality. When I was 4 years old I had a friend the same age as me, and we used to masturbate each other. And sometimes that that we were doctors with drugs and the masturbated one was knocked out and helpless. Yes, at four years old. We weren't trying to work out any trauma, it didn't cause either of us any harm, and I'm happily straight as an adult.

It's not always the case that sexual behavior in children is the result of sexual abuse -- in my case, at least, I was just plain kinky and curious.
Good advice for the new mom - patience. But @29 is right, it isn't all just the breastfeeding. Dan did kind of point that out, saying his sex life also took a dive after the baby arrived and no boobs were involved in his parenting. But for some women (ie. me) the renewed sex life can really take some time.

In my case, I breastfed for 2 years, got knocked up, breastfed for 3 years, got knocked up and then breastfed for 2 years. I was pregnant or nursing for a decade. And I pretty much had no sex drive the entire time. It started to return after the second child, which is what led to the 3rd child (condoms are not 100% effective!)

When my last child was about 4 years old, I went to my doctor and complained about my absent libido and she told me to wait until my youngest was in grade 1, and make sure to have pity sex reasonably regularly until then, because husbands still need that connection.

Grade 1 seemed a little nuts, but she had yet to steer me wrong, so I followed her advice. Sex didn't interest me at all, but I faked it about once a week for my husband. He knew I wasn't really interested and that not being interested very much distressed me and was a really good guy about it. A good, *patient* guy.

And, oh my god did my sex drive come back. Like a freight train. Like my body saved up 10 years of horniness and dropped it on me all at once. Even with 3 kids and busy lives, we are having more and more interesting sex than ever before.

With kids, you sometime have to take the long view.
Great: Dan, can't you guys please recant your Lego-negative slurs? Look, now poor Rachel Charlie thinks she's damaged by porn just because she played doctor when she was little. No way, Rachel Charlie--there is nothing wrong with you.

I was polymorphously perverse before I could read and didn't discover my father's extensive porn collection 'til a few years into my exciting experiments. I know the experiments preceded the porn because my masturbation fantasies were about power differentials but not related to actual sex 'til the porn discovery, whereupon they became kindof pedestrian--not that they seemed so at the time, all of that stuff being fabulously new and unbelievable, then. You are normal, Rachel Charlie. Normal, normal, normal. See Precocious's post directly below yours for more proof. Also, what was the nonsense about "children are not secretive about anything unless they're being abused?" What kind of Sound of Music sunshiney children can you be referring to? Children don't play doctor in front of adults traditionally, do they? And who masturbates in front of their parents??? I'd think that'd be clearer evidence of abuse or damage or just weirdness than retreating to one's bedroom for some private time like a sane 5-year-old. I guess when people become parents of children they promptly forget what it was like to be children, themselves. It must be some kind of adaptation to keep the species going, because if you remembered accurately what normal healthy children are like, you'd never be able to face the horrors of parenthood.

Also, Rachel Charlie, you should read David Sedaris's hilarious account of discovering a salacious novel and sharing it around the whole Sedaris household--kids and mom--before David finally sneaks it into the bed of some guy's pickup truck in the parking lot of the grocery store, and then watches the guy come out of the store, find the book, study it briefly, and speed off in anticipation. I forget what book it's in, but seek it out.
I could not BELIEVE that lego call!! I mean, I guess, I'm not a parent, but Amy's attitude felt very sex negative to me. First of all she called their vaginas "coochies" and "hoo haas" *shudder* *violent suddering,* and then she said that if they had permission to put legos in their vaginas, penises would be next!!? My JAW dropped when I heard that and Dan didn't say anything! I mean, he did, he said he didn't want to pathologize the little girls, but that's sort of what Dan and Amy did. The notion that no "normal" little girl knows to put things in her vagina is just plain false. I only glanced at some of the comments, but it sounds like some of the women here explored that way when they were little. When I was around that very same age I remember me and my friend putting crayons in our buttholes in her bedroom. Oh yeah, we did that. And I'm pretty sure it was MY idea...yup. And I also put chalk in my vagina, crayons, I was sort of obsessed with my pussy and I guess I still am. Funny enough, I was NOT molested. I didn't lose my virginity (i.e., that slippery slope to dick) until I was seventeen years old, and my "HOO HAA" is just FINE. :)

The only person who was "smoking crack" was Amy Lang on that phone call. Chill out, lady.

I agree with Dan about the shame behavior and the lying being red flags. They could certainly be indicators of abuse, but I was shocked to hear them say that little girls have no notion of the fact that they have holes with which to put things in. And if they have that knowledge, they must have been abused. Sigh. I don't know, it was extremely annoying to me!

I agree that the right answer was "don't do that, it isn't safe," because I realize vaginas don't like to have things like chalk, crayons, and legos in them. I understand that, but the overreaction about where the behavior comes from was frustrating to listen to.

Oh and between that call and the caller with the three year old boy with the raging hard-on: thank you so much for giving me reasons #567 and #568 why I NEVER WANT TO HAVE KIDS.

Ever :)
Although, I probably can't have kids anyway since I used to put chalk in my vagina.
"I'm sex positive but I'm brains-positive too!" Awesome podcast this week.
Great podcast. I love this site.
discount dildos store

Does anyone keep their libido on birth control pills? And get as wet when aroused as before?

If so, congratulations, and tell me if it's the same way in 10 years.
For the record, my libido was only messed up for 2 months after giving birth and I'm still breastfeeding my 3 year old (clue-by-four time, at 3 you only nurse like 3 times a day unless there's a major owie). Same experience for a lot of my mom friends. Breastfeeding just doesn't fuck with libido for most women.

What did fuck up my libido? Using birth control pills back before we decided to have a kid. It messed my libido up so badly that my libido didn't fully come back until we finally got pregnant after a year, my pregnancy, and the aforementioned 2 months postpartum. That's how fucked up BCPs are.

Oh yeah, and I started eating meat and a ton more fat. And watched my cholesterol numbers improve, my energy increase, and my hair grow faster. But the improvements began with getting off BCPs.

Anyway, your opinions on breastfeeding are fucking stupid, but I'll forgive them if you support top freedom cause that'll help breastfeeding acceptance anyway.
I was saddened by the way you negatively stigmatized women who choose to Breastfeeding their children longer than you (a non-nursing parent) feel comfortable with. It is absolutely true that Breastfeeding has a huge impact on hormonal balance in a woman's body and for most (most not all) will decrease their libido. I know this because I've been nursing my children for 6 years with erratic swings in my libido. When another person is relying on your body for all or almost all of their nutrition, the libido gives way. As a baby learns to find nutritional satisfaction from solid food, the libido slowly comes back. My son nursed till he was 4, but once he got more nutrition from dinner than he did from me (around 18 months) my libido returned. Ditto with my still nursing 2 year old. But that's all just factual and different for each Breastfeeding mother. What I want to call you on is you attitude towards us pariahs over here who make a choice, often involving conversation with our sexual partners to do it our way. You celebrate people with all kinds of kinks and fetishes. You support anyone on the LGBT spectrum. You encourage people to make good choices for themselves. Unless they Breastfeeding? In which case you recommend they stop their child from "dragging on the tit" as soon as possible? That attitude, that Breastfeeding is in attractive and inconvenient, that me and my husband's choice to support this special relationship between my child and my body, contributes to myriad problems that Breastfeeding moms deal with every day. Judgement, shaming, degradation, and the like - similar words are used to describe what kinksters and LGBT folk experience, correct? I don't care if you don't think my Breastfeeding relationship with my kids is good, bad, or ugly. I do care, very much, that you talk respectfully about the choices I make with my body. It's all about respecting diversity.

Please wait...

Comments are closed.

Commenting on this item is available only to members of the site. You can sign in here or create an account here.

Add a comment

By posting this comment, you are agreeing to our Terms of Use.