To Mike in California: Before you go down the road Dan suggested and have the possible-divorce-inducing conversation he described, you might want to hit pause for a sec. You need to make an important distinction. Does your wife not want to have sex AT ALL or just not WITH YOU? Is it a lack of general libido, or husband-specific-libido? If it's Option A, then yes, a doctor's visit or hall pass may be solutions. If it's Option B, then please, let me allow you to peek inside my brain. I hope it helps.

My 37 y/o husband and I (I'm early 30's, healthy) have only had sex a handful of times- as in single digits- since my now 3-year-old daughter was born. I am not alone- I have a small circle of friends in very similar situations, all with young kids and alarmingly quiet bedrooms. Dan only briefly touched on a possible culprit that absolutely kills my husband-specific-libido and the husband-specific-libido of my friends: resentment.

You mentioned you have a young child. Your wife is likely exhausted, as Dan said, especially if she also works outside the home. It's a lot of work, and it's work that needs to be shared. Ask yourself- and ask her if you can do so without starting a fight- if you are pulling your own weight.

Wiping noses and potty training and watching the same episode of Backyardigans for the umpteenth time are not exactly great fantasy fodder. If she also has to put down the toilet seat and pick up your shit-stained underwear and be the only one scrubbing "washable-my-ass" markers off the wall, the last thing she wants to do after all that is touch your dick. This doesn't mean she doesn't want to get off. It's just that she'd rather do it by herself, while you're downstairs watching SportsCenter, because then she doesn't have to shave her legs or find some way swallow all the resentment that's been building all day while she felt overwhelmed and underappreciated. There is nothing that makes me want to fuck my husband less than for him to sit on his ass while I'm busting mine. And there are no sexier words on the planet to a mother of a young child than, "Here, let me get that. You go sit down for a minute."

I think it's a cop-out to immediately peg the wife in these scenarios as cold or 'imbalanced.' And it sounds like you've immediately translated her lack of desire to have sex with you into a lack of desire, period. Whether she’ll admit it to you or not, she's probably fingerblasting away to her own fantasies, the way I do. Because those fantasy guys never, ever, ask her for sex like they're asking for a glass of milk. They do the fucking laundry, set the timer on the coffee maker, eat her out with gusto for half an hour and then give her a neck massage until she falls asleep.

I acknowledge that I could just be projecting, but I do know that I’m not alone. Just try it, dude. The worst thing that will happen is that you’ll be jerking off in a cleaner house until another solution presents itself.

The cuck-queen caller really interested me, because I've never heard another woman talk about being into this before, so thank you caller! My long-term partner and I dirty-talk this all the time. I think you can make it work if you control the depth of the conversation yourself (who is he cheating on you with, what you would be doing while he's doing ___ with her, etc.) so that you don't freak yourself out. It's hard to accept this kink, and a little embarrassing to bring up, but you deserve to enjoy yourself! I know I do!

I think Dan should have been a little easier on the "find it elsewhere" advice for the man whose wife doesn't want sex. Not that I disagree with that advice, but it would certainly be worth the man's time to find out WHY- if she isn't cooperative in the discussion/doesn't see a doctor, then proceed to getting it elsewhere. That said, if the emotional relationship is still fully intact, there's no reason why they shouldn't be able to discuss and come to understand the situation together.

Mike, if you're reading this:
- Are there medical issues or medications that are killing libido? Can any of these be modified?
- If not, how "attractive" are you as a man (professionally successful, doing your share of maintaining a household, fit, having a life, good balance of assertive and "supportive") relative to her "attractiveness" as a woman? How do other women (and men) react to you as an attractive/compelling person to be with (or boink)? If you're lacking in this regard, can you kick it up a notch without seeming obvious and desperate? This can take a while, as in years, but even if it doesn't save this marriage, it'll make you a better man for your next relationship. A good place to read about these concepts in depth is the blog "Married Man Sex Life".

If the caller and other similarly-situated men read posting #3 above and start to accept blame for their circumstance, please stop right now and get that "Oh, it must be my fault...." out of your head.

What you read in #3 is a common rhetorical ploy of "if there is a problem with *my* libido, it traces back to my husband's failings" fobbing of nearly all responsibility for female desire in a marriage back onto men. Don't accept it. She is a grown woman. If she needs help around the house, she needs to say so, not wait for you to read her mind. And if she is withholding sex until you read her mind, she is paving the path to divorce with her contempt for you. Not your fault. Hers.

Grown ups in a marriage talk to the spouses about things like housework and sex. And they do it before resentfully denying sex to partners.

For those guys who find themselves facing the "I would want sex, but those dishes in the sink...sigh..how can we have sex with dirty dishes in the sink!" argument, go online into the sexless marriage forums for people like you. You will find legions of stories of men who were told that "choreplay" (this claim is so common it has a derisive name) was the problem. Of course, the men often discovered that once he was doing the dishes, buying the groceries, cooking dinners, etc, in addition to working full time, the result was...no additional sex. You get awful stories of guys who work a full day, come home to clean the house and prepare dinner, etc. No change in the sexless marriage results, however. Don't fall for the bullshit. Leave if you can. Lie if you must.

Cuckqueening doesn't necessarily have to be about power exchange. You know how ladies stereotypically get all protective of their man when another woman is interested? Well, don't think like that. For me, (and I'm a bi woman) the thought of my amazing sexy boyfriend fucking a beautiful woman until she comes is extremely erotic. Also it it can be about you in the power position, just the other way around. As in, boyfrIend wants nobody but you, but you're "making" him do your friend. He is at her service to make her come but he has to wait to finish until you say so.

To the man in the sexless marriage, if #3 is correct and you aren't chipping in with chores, then man-up and take care of your family responsibilities regardless of whether it gets you sex or not. That is simply your obligation as a spouse, parent and human being, to do your fair share of the household work, not something you do to earn sex. (And #3, please listen to #18, she nailed it).

As far as getting sex back in your marriage, before taking a course of action very likely to end your marriage, I propose that you suggest the following to your wife: establish a sex schedule with your wife. Sound crazy? Sex with you shouldn't be a chore or an obligation? Well, how is it different from the person who indulges in their partner's kink even though it doesn't do anything for him or her personally? If she willingly has sex with you for your pleasure alone, it is an act of love and generosity. If you forgo sex with her, despite your desire, on no-sex nights, it too is act of love of generosity. What about spontaneity? How is that exactly working for you? Scheduled sex with a willing partner beats no sex any day in my book.

With a schedule, you'll know that you will have sex every other night or every two nights, or whatever and you can relax until the next scheduled time, not be constantly fixated, and you can get release by masturbating until then if you need to. She will get to enjoy your company until the next scheduled time without pressure or guilt, she will be able to hug you, kiss you, be flirtatious in a way she can't be right now without worrying that a kiss on the cheek will be interpreted to mean she wants to run to the bedroom. Resentment goes away, and makes room for intimacy, which can help her libido to return.

Maybe sex night will feel like a chore to her, particularly at first, but if she can remember that she is having sex not out of guilt or resentment, but out of love and a desire to please you that is mutually beneficial by removing the pressure and guilt she currently lives with, she is likely to soon find the sex isn't the chore she thought it was. The sex should be loving, generous, trying to please her too, with the hope that she may respond over time to your attention. For some women the desire for sex is like the itch they didn't know needed scratching: start scratching and she realizes she had an itch. Of course, this is all consensual, and she always has a pass to say no ("I know it is a scheduled night, but I have horrible cramps, let's reschedule for tomorrow when I know the cramps will be gone."), but she must be committed to the schedule out of her love for you and you have to very closely follow her lead on no-sex days (no sex or pressure at all, no matter what she does, unless she very clearly says she wants to have sex or you have very clear rules that if she does x you are free to interpret that as an invitation for sex).

It requires lots of open communication, absolute honesty, and a desire to be loving and generous with your spouse. Spontaneity may return and you can ditch the schedule, but even if it never does, is it so bad to have a marriage where you have regular sex, no guilt, no resentment, intimacy and love instead of a sexless marriage? What's the harm in trying it? If she says no even after time to think it over and she doesn't propose an alternate solution, I would say, take the advice Dan gave you even if it ends your marriage.

Some advice I felt was missing to the wife of the adult baby: It sounded like he was hurting her feelings with his enthusiasm for his "mom". If she tries to negotiate a return to him, she might want to set boundaries and limits on him. She's the primary, after all. Also, how about some advice or a word for if she decides to end it?