Savage Love Episode 269


I miss Lucy! I have no idea how she looks but she sure sounds sexy!
Well I am glad #1 was able to make a senseless comment.
OMG, I laughed so hard at the mushroom pasta. That was AMAZING.
Dan's advice about the cheating wife left me feeling very uncomfortable; I was wondering if we even listened to the same call.

I get polyamory... I even get cheating if you've discussed/debated/pleaded/begged for the kind of sex you want, and your partner has completely shut you down period, but that you have such a wonderful connection otherwise (or there are children, and divorce would somehow be worse) and you need to stay sane.

But it doesn't sound like any of that is true for this woman. The caller mentions the woman doesn't feel satisfied by her husband not only sexually (and the key word is "satisfied": sounds like she and her husband have sex, but not "kinky" sex) but emotionally, financially... in other words, she's painting her husband not as a guy with a low sex drive, but as The Bad Guy she needs to be saved from.

The caller doesn't mention if she's ever discussed kinky sex with her husband. The caller doesn't mention kids. He even throws in there that it seems to be a "co-dependent" sort of relationship. In other words, this woman isn't someone who needs to have outside sex to stay sane... she's a woman who has outside sex to make her current situation INsane.

Dan, isn't that what's known as a CPOS?

It also just really bothers me that (hypothetically) even if I give my husband sex, if I don't somehow magically read his mind and figure out he wants more/kinky, then he gets to break our monogamous vows to "keep himself sane," by Dan's logic. Why does his sanity get to outweigh mine? Why does he get to break our vows without even warning me?

And heck... maybe I'd like a little piece on the side myself! By "keeping himself sane" without ever having a discussion about potential non-monogamy, my partner gets to fulfill his selfish desire for sex while simultaneously keeping me selfishly to himself.

The woman sounds like a CPOS, and Dan, as much as I respect your stance on non-monogamy, this piece of advice really let me down.
More questions, shorter answers.
You're delusional about the flowers, Dan.
shaking with laughter at my desk! HAHAHAHA! Dan, you are hilarious! Yeah, I felt the same way about the mushroom blowjob call. "You're an idiot." (affectionately. but seriously you are an idiot)

Also, loved the rant, Dan! That sound you hear is me applauding
I'm also a bit disturbed by Dan's answer to the selfish guy having kinky sex with a selfish cheating wife. I'm no proponent of monogamy, but I do think this woman can't get a free pass here. It's up to her to be honest with her husband about her wants and needs, and considering that it sounds like she thinks he's a loser (inadequate sexually, emotionally, financially, professionally, etc.) yet they have some kind of codependency thing going on, that isn't likely to happen. The caller wants absolution for enabling this woman to manipulate a situation to get her own needs met while ignoring the needs of everyone else involved. Instead of coming off like a run of the mill adulterer rekindling an old flame and disregarding others who might get hurt, he wants to be seen as the nice guy here. The nice guy would have insisted on honesty or bowed out by now.
This podcast dredged up a memory of some dude asking to photograph my feet, insisting that he was working for Converse. It seemed legit (I was wearing AllStars and was paying admission to a punk show), so I consented. Makes me wonder...
I agree with Martychan. Your advice to the cuckolder was disturbing. If this woman thinks her husband is such a letdown in every aspect, then she should fucking leave him! We don't know that she has ever communicated her desires or problems to her husband. We don't know that she has kids or any other reason to stay in an apparently unhappy marriage. She should have "transitioned her relationship with her husband into a more honest place" BEFORE repeatedly fucking someone else. If her husband finds out (which, as you know, he eventually will), it could ruin his life and do permanent damage to his self-esteem. Bitch is a CPOS, and this dude is trying to rationalize being a potential home-wrecker. And I say that as a fellow fan of non-monogamy.

P.S. the world is over Rick Santorum, and you need to get over him, too. Let's focus on the real threat - Newt and Mittens.
Yeah, I agree with #6. I have female friends I have known since kindergarten and I have exes with whom I am still friendly. NO WAY would I send any of them flowers on their birthday. Maybe a card or more likely an e-mail. Admittedly, I don't have any friendly exes that I went to kindergarten with, but that wouldn't change anything if I had. Flowers, unless they're for a funeral or for your grandma, mean romance, period. The other guy is still trying to get her back and is still young enough to think that will work. Yes, the caller needs to dial back the insecurity for sure but if this relationship continues the wannabe-ex is gonna be an issue to be resolved down the road.
Daaamn, the goal-oriented predator girl's call had me rock hard! You can stalk me any day!
Loved your rant today, Dan. The state of healthcare in the US drives me insane, as do the arguments for keeping it the way it is. Really, only rich people, people who have thus far been lucky enough not to have had any serious health problems, and idiots, think that the healthcare system should stay as it is.

Healthcare in Canada is not perfect, but I know that had my parents been living in the US, they would likely no longer own a home and would be in a ton of debt. I had serious and rare eye problems as a child that would have resulted in complete blindness if I didn't have access to the medical care (read: expensive emergency surgeries and hospital stays) that I had access to. I also would likely be dead as a result of medical difficulties in my teen years and twenties. So what kind of life would my parents have? What kind of life would I have?

Looking after only yourself may look great in the short term, but in the long-term it does not benefit the majority of the population. What if you have a child who needs a heart transplant to live but you can't afford it? Why does that child deserve to die? What if your spouse or parent gets cancer and does not have access to the care they need in order to recover? The States is such a rich country, yet people suffer and die all of the time because others can't think past the present. In a society, individuals should look after one another.

I am so grateful that my parents were welcomed into Canada when I was a child because, had we lived in the US, I'd either be blind or dead. And as very hard working immigrants, my parents would have nothing but debt and sorrow left in their lives. That sounds like an American Nightmare.
Sperm storage? Liquid nitrogen. You are going to need training since that shit is dangerous, and a livestock supply catalog. Good luck.
Important note - don't go by bull semen preservation techniques. You want stallion semen methods. You will need gloves and goggles.
Re: the mushroom chunks. It's also possible that he has chunks in his semen, and she mistook it for a piece of mushroom. I believe this can be caused by dehydration. I encountered it once -- after a hand job, thank god.

Stay hydrated, guys. Biggest turn-off of my life.
I have two solutions for the couple who wants to cover her in his come. Unfortunately, the first one involves inventing a time machine. The second is more practical--clone him, again and again. The downside here is that you will have to wait until the clones reach the age of consent. You'll need to find a way to support them all that time. And you can't be sure that they will all actually consent when they can consent. So you will need to produce and raise a safety margin of extra clones. On the positive side, it is possible through today's science!
I sincerely hope the mushroom call was a put on. In any case, I laughed my ass off.
I'm somewhat surprised, Dan, that there was no comment on how much the guy with the CPOS boyfriend was spying on said boyfriend. I mean, seriously - month after month, digging around in his phone? In the end, though, it amounts to the same thing: if they can't have a relationship with trust, they shouldn't have a relationship.

Concerning the woman who wanted to be covered in her man's spunk, one thing I might suggest is making sure he's as productive as he can be. A few mL of semen can go a long way when spread thin, after all. Now, he might already have everything that he needs, but one thing that IS often lacking in a man's diet, and is important for proper prostate health, is zinc.

Prostate fluid is, after all, the bulk of semen; so if he has a minor zinc deficiency, supplementing the zinc in his diet MIGHT help make him a bit more productive for her. I'm not sure offhand what foods contain zinc naturally (though a quick glance at Google suggests that low-protein/vegetarian diets are more likely to lack it), but it may be worth looking into. I can't recommend supplements without consulting with a nutritionist, because too much of it CAN cause problems.
Oh god mushroom semen. Make it stop.
Re: the mushrooms

This reminds me of a friend who, after giving her first blow job ever, asked me why the guy's semen was blue. She was chewing blue gum.
@21 Sounds smurfurific!
I was a little surprised by Dan's nonchalance about the birthday flowers caller. While it is possible to chalk up the gift to gestures of a long-time friendship, it is equally likely that this person still is not over their ex, and the woman either is getting off of this attention or is feeling the same way herself. There is simply no way for us to know without more information, and I felt Dan was a little too harsh on the caller by making it seem like he was completely off base, when in fact, their explanations are equally valid.

I was similarly confused with Dan's response to the caller who had deluded himself into believing that he was some sort of sexual "good samaritan" by helping resolve the former-acquantance/current-fuckbuddy cheating wife's sexual frustration, and Dan's encouraging of such behavior by essentially telling the guy that he is doing a good deed by keeping the marriage alive left me stratching my head as to whether or not we listened to the same call. If the relationship is not working, end it. If you don't want to end it, adress the issues and resolve them.

Yes, I could see a situation whereby the husband and wife can come to an agreement of an open marriage as Dan suggested, but the former approach, IMHO, is more likely to be fruitful. If the woman is only with her husband because of financial or mental security, despite essentially calling him a loser in every aspect of his life, then that is not only grossly unfair to the husband but makes a mockery out of the institution of marriage and solidly puts her and the caller in the LCPOS category.
RE: Woman Covered in Viable Sperm

This relates to Dan's later suggestion, in finding some secondary benign solution to mix sperm into and cover yourself with. I've been making my own hair gel from flaxseed for a while--it's literally the best, cheapest hair gel I've ever used!!--but it does look like I keep a very large sample of mucus or semen in my fridge at all times. I'm confident that you could make gallons of it fairly quickly from just one $3.00 bag of flaxseed. The recipe is: 2 tablespoons of flaxseed per 1 cup of water. Bring mixture to a boil and then simmer, stirring, until it gets frothy (about 5 minutes.) The solution sill get stringy/sticky (like eggwhites) on your spoon-- at that point pour the mixture through a metal strainer into a bowl (or bucket) and allow it to cool and thicken. It is completely benign and edible (and possibly even really good for your skin!) and will yield as much pseudo semen as you want/ have buckets for in your house. It lasts about a week if you keep it in the fridge.

Hope that helps!