Choke up on the bat? LMAO.

Here's guessing that the frigid virgin is neither asexual really, nor is she particular hot.

She's going to be giving a chunk up to the brothel.

She won't make 5k

PS: puke tingles!

That was the best podcast ever! Ira really lends an aire of dignity.

I can't believe that I was listening to a woman refer to others as "females." Leaves me suspecting that she partially blames the other women rather than her husband for these texting shenanigans.

That was… disturbingly surreal, listening to Ira Glass say “blowjob”.

Officially the best podcast ever. Dan is always better when he has someone there to call him on his shit - rein him in when he starts galloping off in the wrong direction, and not be overwhelmed by him.

Two of my favorite podcasts combined! Thanks for bringing on Ira Glass!

Oh, my gawds! THIS was soooooo funny! I absolutely love the on air chemistry here...and I want to know where I can find a "I'm not straight, but my girlfriend is" t-shirt.

I think something missing from you farting analysis is bottom inequity--which also needs to be taken into account when you mention who farts first in a relationship. I just don't feel right betraying an amount of squeamishness when my boyfriend farts because I am constantly plunging his ass with my dick. That's bound to knock something, work something out, make a passage way that air can escape through...whatever. Tops have a lot of pressure to be cool about organic-y butt things.

Pepto-Bismol will actually make you fart less. Too much farting means you have some kind of gut-flora imbalance. Pepto calms it all down. Like magic. Then rebuild with good stuff: fiber, probiotics, less sugar.

Brilliant episode, easily the best co-host ever. Keeps up and adds a number of different angles to each discussion. Agree @5

LMAO @ Lukejoe. So true. Sometimes you have to fight through the pain in return for the pleasure of tapping a nice ass :)

First of all, as others have noted, Ira Glass brought a much-needed dose of sanity to Dan's discussions about infidelity. Dan's constant harping on "she's going to cheat anyway and sabotage the relationship; opening it is non-negotiable" is a little unrealistic. She CAN learn to suck it up if he doesn't like it. Lots of people do. If she's not willing to do that, that's another story, but that wasn't her question. She was asking how she might convince him.

I do have a HUGE beef with both Ira and Dan for saying that this woman auctioning off her virginity is a good idea! In what fucking world is it a good idea? This woman has what sounds like zero sexual experience; she identifies as "asexual" because no one's ever inspired her to have sex, but she hasn't had any sexual experiences which left her cold, so she knows NOTHING ABOUT SEX. (She may not even be asexual. She's not equipped to make that judgment about herself.) Sex workers should be confident in their sexuality and love what they do. As a virgin, she is horribly unequipped to be a sex worker (even a "one-time" sex worker). Worse, she sounds naive and idealistic - exactly the wrong qualities for a sex worker to have. She's going to get taken advantage of, duped, or raped in a situation she won't enjoy at all. Your advice was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

@LukeJoe: Haha I love it! Can you please tell that to all the straight guys who want anal but are squeamish about butt things?? thanks!

@13 Yeah, I agree that she sounds young and naive, selling her virginity is a ridiculous idea, etc. However, I think asexuals take umbrage at the idea that they don't know if they're asexual until they have tried sex. It's sort of like telling a gay guy, "How do you know you're gay? You've never tried sex with a woman!"

And was anyone else a little disappointed that Dan and Ira didn't take the last caller's boyfriend to task for his shitty behavior? She wouldn't even be calling (in tears, it sounded like) if he wasn't pressuring her to keep swallowing despite the fact that it makes her vomit. What kind of person would do that? DTMFA.

Is next weeks ExtremeRestraint's codeword going to be Ira?

I loved the podcast with Ira. It was great that he cut into the calls with comments along the way. A little TAL touch. Dan might want to consider doing this in the future because often times the caller will have a lot of questions and by the time the call is over I will have forgotten the first question.

@16- I thought that too, but at the same time, I wonder if she hasn't been hiding it from him. Maybe she sneaks into the bathroom and runs the tap so he can't hear, or maybe "always" actually means that's it's happened twice, or maybe she's totally insane and INSISTS on doing it even though he feels bad that she throws up. I have a feeling that you're right about his being a douchebag, but I can imagine him not being one as well.

Also, sometimes I wonder if Dan really gets to the root problem when people call in about wanting to open up their relationship. Ira's story about the 13-year relationship is kind of a textbook case, and the girl from the call said something about wanting different "sexual experiences": people are not having enough sex with enough people before they settle down. I'm in my early twenties, but I don't feel that I need to have sex with a whole bunch of men other than my boyfriend because I already did before we got together. I don't feel like settling down and having a monogamous commitment is really a loss for me, because I've had a good number of sex partners already and I don't really feel I need to experience more. The guy Ira interviewed was in his early 30's and had been in a monogamous relationship for 13 years- I can imagine that he and his girlfriend had had less than 5 other sex partners before they opened it up.

My parents got married on Halloween. Bad situation. It was pretty indicative for a mutually abusive 25 year marriage. Some War of the Roses business.

This Ira Glass character is a charming fellow. I approve.

very good. I can't wait until this happens again

I was really surprised by Dan's comments about the people who call in to the show. He basically said that he doesn't care about his callers and said that if he cared, he wouldn't play them on the radio! Even Ira sounded surprised by this comment. I am typically not a sensitive person and it takes a lot to offend me....but his comments kind of made me want to stop listening. He is giving advise to people on very personal topics and he has been such an advocate for important issues (particularly young gay students and how "it will get better" for them). To say that you don't care about your callers and that it is basically for the entertainment of the people listening and not the "one idiot caller" is crazy. Wow. It discredits a lot of what he has said and will make it hard for me to listen to him and respect what he has to say. If you don't care about your callers, then screw you, Dan! You may sound smart but you lack common sense and that was an asshole comment you made! I almost wish I wouldn't have heard this podcast :( Now your voice, stories, and rants and raves will just be annoying. On the contrary....Ira is a journalist who genuinely cares about the people he talks to and the stories he covers. Dan's just a man with too many opinions and a big mouth to voice them all!

Suggestion to deal with the sperm/vomit issue that I've used to good effect: have your partner wear a condom. Get a flavored condom that doesn't have a spermicidal coating and use it.

@ 20 - yeah, I agree that a lot of people are not having enough sex when they are young and single, which bites them in the ass later. By the time I married, I had a 'been there, done that, sucked all the juice out of it' attitude toward sexual variety, and was ready to explore the different-but-considerable delights of a longstanding sexual connection.

Best. Podcast. Ever. I know that whenever I listen to This American Life, I'm going to giggle thinking about Ira Glass talking about blowjobs and shooting cum on his tits.
Also, the call from the Catholic schoolgirl-asexual-want to sell my virginity for a million dollars to start an orphanage - Mother Teresa wannabe reeked of her personal sexual fantasy to me, not a real situation.

It is a very inspiring post to go through for excellent story about sustainability; food and environment in urban areas. The successful example of urban farming in Chicago can be followed in other cities to make the cities greener and less polluted. I've enjoyed reading the interesting discussion.
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Did anyone else pick up on the connection between the girl being dumped at Christian boarding school for who knows how many years and wanting to open an orphanage for kids who feel "abandoned"?

Hello! I'm Nancy. I produce the Lovecast. @24 and 26- when I first heard Dan do his bit about not caring about the callers I both laughed and smirked, because it was a big fat lie. I am constantly cajoling Dan to remember that the show isn't about each individual caller, but for the entertainment of everyone else. It' s an argument we have all the time, and I am the bad guy here. Dan was just making a funny. If he could clone himself and give hour long therapy sessions to each and every one of you, believe me, he would.

@32, Thanks, Nancy. I wanted to believe that Dan was kidding. I've heard him say outrageous stuff facetiously all the time. I've been reading and listening for years, and this really came off as something totally out-of-character and callous. Not smart-ass, not mouthy, not crass. Outright mean.

Ira was such a great guest! I really hope you guys keep experimenting. I'd love to hear some comedians, like Margaret Cho or even someone like Bill Burr... risky maybe, but if the chemistry worked it could be awesome.

Nancy @32, yep, I believe you. I'm a long-time listener and follower of Dan on Slog, and when he said that I-don't-care line all I could think was "good try Savage, but you're lying and you know it!" I hope people take the shit-talking with a grain of salt. Dan's got a big heart.

Sorry, but a sex-negative square like Ira Glass does NOT improve this podcast. He's a charming guy but all the fun was in the novelty of seeing him squirm.

Thank you so much for having Ira Glass on the show! Please make him a regular!

This is not a precise transcription - I've left out all the 'um's and 'er's and repeated words. I hope it's faithful to what they're saying though. There's lots of laughing from Dan and Ira - they're clearly having fun (in case the transcription makes it sound a little dry). Also, Ira talks 19 to the dozen - lots of lovely energy - which makes him a bit hard to decipher precisely from time to time. I've inserted [Ira Glass Word Blur] at these points.

Here's the first chunk:

[begins]

[Voiceover] You're listening to a Stranger podcast. www thestranger.com

[Dan] This Valentine's Day, extremerestraints.com would like to remind you that nothing says love like exploring your partner's kinks. Flowers may wilt, but some kinky new sex toys may change your sex life forever. Save an extra 10% at extremerestraints.com with coupon code GGG. Double that GGG discount if you use it by Valentine's Day.

This episode is brought to you by adamandeve.com, where you'll find over 18,000 adult entertainment products for every lifestyle. To receive 50% off most any item, plus 3 adult DVDs plus an extra gift plus free shipping, visit adamandeve.com and enter savage at the checkout.

[Jaunty tune, singing]
If you're stuck in a relationship quandary
Or if you're looking for sexual harmony
Well there's nothing you can't ask
On the Savage Lovecast

[Dan] So whenever I listen to This American Life, on Public Radio International on KUOW in Seattle, whenever the subject of sex comes up, and I've been on This American Life a few times, whenever the subject of sex comes up on This American Life they do this warning - you know, this emergency broadcast system alert to parents out there that 'sex is going to be acknowledged'.

[Ira] Yeah, that's what we say, we say - oh uh, should I not come in?

[Dan] Yes, yes come on in, here's Ira Glass everybody

[Ira] I mean, I mean literally it comes out of stations being very nervous about the content of our show because, you know, it's explaining the experience of being an adult and so occasionally there are stories about sex

[Dan] Because adults sometimes have that sex stuff, and sometimes that sex stuff impacts our American lives and changes them, or throws us for a loop, and how do you do a show about American lives without acknowledging American sex lives?

[Ira] Exactly. And so we were told we'd have better luck getting onto public radio stations if we we just - they said, you know, beep out any nasty words, because, you know, stations would lose their licenses and stuff, but then, just warn listeners, and then [Ira Glass Word Blur] we're acknowledging that sex happens between adults - there's nothing dirty, nobody's going to get hot listening to this person's memoir about when they were in 8th grade, like nobody's going to get off on that, so what are we warning them about exactly? It's not sexy in that way, it just acknowledges - oh, people have sex, and we were told - oh just say that, and I just thought that was so ridiculous, that like

[Dan] You can hear it in your voice when you preface a story with that - that you feel ridiculous and complicit at that moment having to warn adult listeners that this program about adults - adult lives - is going to acknowledge the existence of human sexuality

[Ira] I know, and I feel like it speaks to two things. One is that first of all I think all radio stations in America are I think in a very weird legal situation where they can lose their license over truthfully very vague guidelines over what it's legal to say on the radio - that's one thing - and the other - and saying that actually protects them a little bit - and us - and then the other thing is that people listen to public radio assuming that it's safe for children, and so, you know what I mean, you turn on the radio and what are you going to turn on? So you've got your kids in the car and you're used to turning on public radio and then - many, many emails have been written to our show, just like 'I turned on the nice public radio and I'm used to like it's very friendly and appropriate for kids and then you know I turned it on in the middle of

[Dan] [RT: Not sure I've got this bit right] What happened to Flick and Flack the Tappet brothers or whatever the hell they're called

[Ira] Exactly

[Dan] [RT: Not sure I've got this bit right] They want you to argue about transmissions

[Ira] Exactly, and then so if adult content comes up it really catches people by surprise. We're in a Safe For Work environment when you're on public radio.

[Dan] Funny you should say that it's never really dirty because I've often told people that the dirtiest thing that I've ever said - ever - I said on your show. The dirtiest joke ever. Because years ago I did a piece about Terry and I adopting our son, who's almost fourteen now - so this was before he was born - and it was talking about people's attitudes towards particularly gay males adopting - and that's really evolved and changed - there's a lot more gay male parents out there than there used to be, particularly when we were adopting..

[Ira] Yeah, you guys were pioneers

[Dan] ..and the religious right, their charge, and what we were being told at the time, was that, you know, gay men want to adopt children to rape them. To have sex with them. Because it's easier to do an adoption than to fly to Bangkok, apparently.

You know I think with humor, and camp, and the gay sensibility, what you do sometimes with those really hateful stereotypes is that you pretend that they're true and inhabit them for a split second, and it just explodes them, it shows how ridiculous they are.

[Ira] I can't believe you're explaining how a joke works

[Dan] Well I feel like I have to

[Both laughing]

[Ira] "Let me explain how a joke works for a second - in case you're not an adult"

[Dan] I said this on your show without any hesitation - I don't want to say it on mine without really framing it

[Both laughing]

[Dan] But you know, I said people were asking Terry and I if we were excited about the baby coming and I said, 'Yeah, Terry's gotten so loose" - the implication being that I was going to have anal sex with this baby

[Ira] Yeah, yeah, I can't believe you're going here explaining the joke - that's killing it

[Dan] I think you let me do it on your show because you thought most people wouldn't understand it, that it would fly over their heads? What was your thought process about the dirtiest baby anal rape joke ever on public radio? - beating out that 1996 Fresh Air joke about anal baby rape.

[Ira] I know, the Emmy awards, the [Ira Glass Word Blur] awards we give for best anal rape of infants joke on public radio this year. Well we've won it pretty consistently every year since '95.

What was I thinking? You know I'd be lying to say that I even remember it, but knowing myself

[Dan] I'm hurt, I'm wounded

[Ira] .. but knowing myself I'm sure that what I was thinking was - this is funny and I enjoy this and that's my job - if it's funny and I enjoy it, it's my job to put it on the radio because I'm making the show just to my own taste

[Dan] It's the proudest moment of my career, next to the Santorum redefinition - the dirtiest baby rape joke ever on public radio

[Ira] That is a pretty good joke. And the Santorum thing. Next to the Santorum thing. Santorum - he's got that new thing that he announced this week

[Dan] Conservatives United Moneybomb, or 'CUM'

[Ira] And then on the web - I mean I couldn't tell - is this a joke website or is it real - the one which is just like 'CUM' - like Conservative United Moneybomb

[Dan] He's fucking with us. He's just fucking with us now. He knows he's going to lose. He knows I'm all he's got [?] - we're like linked together forever [Ira snorts laughing] - handcuffed together like some horrible buddy movie - the socially conservative gay hater handcuffed to me - and we have to live the rest of our lives with this mutually shared burden - if I have to answer for him he has to answer for me - forever....

[Ira] I love that in your version of the story he even thinks about you for a second

[Dan] Oh I know he does - he did a fundraising letter about me and he's talked about me

[Ira] Really?

[Dan] For a long time he wouldn't acknowledge my existence, but you know, playing the Sarah Palin look at how the lefty media has gone after me victim card - he's been totally hitting it this year.

[Ira] You know how this movie ends, don't you?

[Dan] We fall in love? and get married

[Ira] Well of course. I know

[Dan] Then I whip up some Santorum IN Santorum, which would be like some kind of rip in the time-space continuum

[Ira] I'm sorry - all I'm thinking about is that on our show, and not on the podcast, that was such a great music cue that you just gave - you'd have like the swelling movie music 9underneath that whole part as you're talking [Ira Glass Word Blur] I'm producing the non existent music mix of your show as you were speaking

[Dan] We'll see what we can do. We'll see what we can drop in.

So I wanted you to come on the show and give a little sex advice, because I wanted to get you back, your family back in the sex advice business. Shirley Glass was your mom, your late mom, and she was, if you google Shirley Glass, the first thing that comes up is "The Godmother of Infidelity".

[more to follow...]

Ira Glass is a natural for this show, in addition to his regular show "This Alternative American Life" on NPR. Bring him back again and again. It cements his reputation as an 'alternative' American.

To woman with flirtatious husband: wow, I second the DTMFA. Not because he's talking to his ex, but because he is so passive aggressive about your concerns. If you have a problem, and you go to your significant other to discuss it, and THEY INTENTIONALLY MAKE YOU FEEL BAD, run. Seriously, that is awful.

To commenter fifteen: but most gay people I know bought into that thinking long enough to have straight sex once, badly.

To Nancy: Glad you said it because you have more clout than I would, and I was going to. Tone of voice says it all, guys.

Can someone post a link to Dan & Ira's mom on the "Valentines Show" ? I can't find it.

This is the first podcast I've listened to. I don't have a good place to listen that won't bother folks. Based on comments, I may have to stop with this one. Love Ira. Love Dan. So fun.

Savage burbles on a lot, and sometimes what comes off the top of his head is offensive. That's part of his charm, it's why we listen to him - if he were more careful that none of his jokes bomb, he wouldn't be as much fun. So, Nancy, are you a TSARY? We finally meet one?

@32 Dear Nancy, I want to add my thanks for your clarification about Dan's seeming dismissal of the real problems that callers have, in the name of "entertainment." Based on the absolutely beautiful and loving counsel that Dan shared with the 19-year-old of Episode 270, the young man struggling with his "Christian" parents who hated him. Dan taught the essence of Christianity as well as anyone I've ever heard. And it is love. The teen later identified himself in a thank-you in the Comments as "Happy One Day." Please God! And check out the comments on that broadcast. They are, may I say, prayerful. So you can't fool us, Dan! You are, in the words of Bob Dylan, "more than kind."

Sorry that my format is not quite the same, I seemed to have misplaced the find-and-replace function on the newest version of Word. (anybody know the keyboard shortcut?)

Anyway.

(TRANSCRIPT CONTINUED FROM @41)
This segment of transcript starts at 7:42 and goes to 13:32.
(Dan was saying, “if you google ‘Shirley Glass,’ the first thing that comes up is ‘The Godmother of Infidelity’.”)

DAN: You have to actually click through to see “The Godmother of Infidelity” research that she actually -- I’m the Godfather of Infidelity; no research, just sort of pro-infidelity, that’s my cross to bear. [Ira chuckles.] But your mom was a sex therapist and researcher and wrote books about –

IRA: Yeah. Yeah.

DAN: - about how a marriage can survive infidelity, and she was an expert.

IRA: Yeah. No, she was very pro-marriage, actually, but she –
DAN: As am I.

IRA: Yeah, and she began researching infidelity and did surveys of people, of married people, about who was faithful and who wasn’t. And then her research found a couple of things that hadn’t been really widely thought before that. And that is, she proved this thing that, when you think about it, seems so intuitive, which is that many people cheat on their spouses, but it doesn’t indicate that there’s anything wrong with their marriage. They just want to have more sex. And it had clinical applications, actually, and implications, because one of the things that was kind of standard at the point where she was doing this research was that if you and your spouse go into a marriage counselor, and the reason why you’re going in is because one of you has cheated and the other one found out, and of course that’s a huge trauma if that’s not something you ever agreed on. And, you know, then it’s like, “Are we going to stay together? What’s going to happen?” Traditionally, what the marriage therapist would do is that they would begin with the premise of, “Well, the reason why you were cheating is because you were unhappy with the marriage; let’s talk about that.” But she found in some – it’s been a while since I’ve read this research – but it’s like in a third to a half of the men, it doesn’t indicate that you’re unhappy with the marriage at all. It just indicates, like --

DAN: That you’re horny.

IRA: Yeah.

DAN: And that you wanted some variety.

IRA: Yeah. You’re a human being, and it’s possible to want sex with more than one person for the rest of your life, and --

DAN: We put it into people’s heads that, you know, if you’re in love, that you don’t want to sleep with anybody else. And so if your partner did sleep with somebody else, or if you desire to sleep with somebody else, that means you’re not in love anymore.

IRA: Yeah.

DAN: That’s how we’ve come to understand it. And that, just having that out there destroys marriages.

IRA: Yeah, yeah.

DAN: “He cheated on me, he can’t love me.” Or, “I want to fuck somebody else. I must not love my spouse anymore.” And that’s not the way it works.

IRA: Yeah. Yeah. It’s interesting, because what would happen in therapy, she found – and they did surveys of therapists about this – is that because, by forcing the partner who cheated to kind of come up for a reason for what was wrong with the relationship… And the partner would say, “Well, I don’t know if I’ve got any complaints about the relationship,” well, you know you can always find something, right? But really, like, that wasn’t the reason why they were cheating, what it would do is it would take the focus off what the couple needed to talk about, and that was the fact that one person lied to the other. Like, that, in fact, is much more profound than banging somebody else. And it would stop them from dealing with the trauma of that. Like, that actually is way more destructive.

DAN: And the person might have to pretend that there’s some serious flaw in the marriage where there is no flaw in the marriage. It’s just, you know, buying into that could damage the marriage.

IRA: Yeah, the fact that the whole therapy would be organized around like, “Okay, now let’s talk about what’s wrong between the two of you,” when in fact it’s possible that the marriage was just [fine]… You know, [in] every couple, there are things where you’re bugging each other, and if you pick at it, you could find a thing to break up over if you wanted to, but --

DAN: That’s why Terry and I fight all the time.

IRA: Is that true?

DAN: Well, a little bit. You know, we had friends who never fought, and then they had their first fight and broke up. And we always thought our relationship was not as good as theirs because we bicker and fight all the time, and then we realized that, “Oh oh ohhhhh, if we ever have a breakup level argument, we won’t realize it, because it’s just one more tree in the forest of bickering and arguing and fighting, and it’s worked out pretty well thus far, and – “

IRA: That’s funny, because Anaheed, my wife and I – and I don’t know, maybe this is too personal to say publicly, but here we are – like, we started going to a counselor because we didn’t fight with each other, like we both were like very well behaved, and neither one of us was super comfortable with it --

DAN: You should’ve come to me and Terry. [Ira laughs.] We could totally help you out. [Both giggling.] We could point out all the things that you should be fighting about, we’re very good at uncovering them.

IRA: And what would be your method? Would one of you, like, take each of us and --

DAN: Yeah.

IRA: -- you would be our coach. Like, Terry would get Anaheed, and you would get me, and we’d review our material –
[Both laughing.]

DAN: That’s right. We’d find things, we’d coach you, we’d write some lines…
[Still laughing.]

IRA: And then we’d get in there and fight, and we’d come back into the corner –
DAN: We’d be like reality show producers. [Ira laughs harder.] We’d be right outside of camera range, feeding you lines and shots, until it was just a screaming shit show.

IRA: Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, so we felt like, you know… I mean… I feel like we needed to work up to the normal thing, of like, we can actually confront each other about the stuff that bothers us –
DAN: Are you fighting now?

IRA: Yeah. We did it.

DAN: Congratulations! Welcome! [Ira starts laughing again.] Welcome to the marriage club. That’s how it works.

IRA: Yeah?

DAN: It’s fights and conflicts and major issues that you ignore, all leavened with the occasional orgasm. That’s a marriage. [Ira chuckles.] So. I want you to get back into the Glass Family --

IRA: You should write vows. [Both laugh.] “All right, here’s what you’re getting into. Here’s the list.” [More laughing.]

DAN: I want to get the Glass Family, get you back into the sex business, so you’re going to take calls.

IRA: So my mom was a marriage therapist and a sex therapist, and --

DAN: And a really very respected one. Very prominent.

IRA: Yeah. Yeah.

DAN: And she died a few years ago --

IRA: She passed away a few years ago, yeah.

DAN: -- just around the same time my mom did.

IRA: Yeah.

DAN: Our mothers made an appearance together, actually. At a Valentine’s Day show.

IRA: I know.

DAN: That was so sweet.

IRA: Fifteen years ago. On stage. Yeah, yeah, your mom, your nice Catholic mom at the dirtiest show. On stage.

DAN: [laughing] And your nice Jewish mom at the dirtiest show.

IRA: Yeah, my mom was generating some of the dirty material because she had all this, like, sex stuff she had to talk about. She sort of gleefully really enjoyed being, like, somebody’s mom, somebody’s sixty-year-old mom onstage, you know, looking like a nice Jewish-y mom from the suburbs, and then having like the worst potty mouth in the world. It was like one of her bits.

DAN: She and I sparked. She said a woman’s biggest sex organ is between her ears, and I looked at her and said, “How do you get your dick in there?” [Both start laughing again.] And you have the film, you showed the film once, and she looks at me like, “I’m gonna deck this guy! Where did you get this guy?” [more laughing] “Who is he? What research has he done?” Like, none! Somebody gave me a column, so I’m [… sorry, can’t quite make out, trails off under Ira’s laughter.] So, I’m gonna play some calls!

IRA: Great!

DAN: We’re gonna, like, give some sex advice.

IRA: Great. Great.

DAN: You and me together.

IRA: Great!

DAN: And we’re gonna start out with something really classy.

[FIRST CALLER.]

Ira Glass & Dan Savage - - - like HUNTLEY & BRINKLEY!!! Please do this again and often!!!! I LOVED it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (You both balance each other.)

Thanks so much MarleyBarley. MarleyBarley is a very competent transcriber, so I'm adopting the much better format. Here's the next call:

[TRANSCRIPT CONTINUES FROM 50]

FEMALE CALLER: Hey Dan, I'm a 20 year old in a semi serious relationship that I've been in for a few months and I just kinda want to know your personal etiquette on farting in a relationship. I personally fart a lot more than the average person and they're not particularly pleasant, and I've kept it from my boyfriend for a while, but I fart in my sleep, and it worries me so much that I actually get no sleep when he stays over and he stays over kind of a lot, and it's just kind of become a problem that I would like to solve, and I just kind of want to get a feel for how you feel about that, because I feel like it's a problem that a lot of people face, but it's kind of taboo, so no one really talks about it, and I know it's not a very sexy question but I think it's real.

DAN: OK, this is where it gets real, Ira. Farts.

IRA: I have literally never had a conversation with anyone about this. Or heard one.

DAN: I think you should do an episode about it.

IRA: This is actually something you can't put on the radio.

DAN: You can't put a fart on the radio? You can't say 'fart' on the radio?

IRA: You can't put scatalogical content. No, [literally ??] this is unbroadcastable

DAN: You are kidding

IRA: No

DAN: An anal baby rape joke is broadcastable

IRA: Well, one that you'd have to be sort of awake to, it's sort of like I think if you cared about, if you care to be offended about that joke about your boyfriend being too loose you probably wouldn't get it or it would just go right past you, [Dan laughing] so like that would slip by you in the cover of night.

DAN: Alright, so we can do this on the podcast but we can't do this on the radio.

IRA: Thank god for the internet

DAN: Yeah, that's what the internet's for. Porn and fart jokes. So what should this person do? What would your advice be? When do you start farting in front of somebody? I think that's when you know it's love, like as soon as you're comfortable enough to -

IRA: - to fart. I think that, like my rule of thumb, and I've never talked about this out loud, would be - farting in a bed with somebody else seems gross, but farting in your sleep - like she's worried about farting in her sleep - I feel like you totally get a pass on that. [Dan laughs] Like I can't believe - because you totally can't control it. You totally have like a total cover. So -

DAN: She does, and she can make a dutch oven with that cover. You can take a pass on any of these questions, I just wanted to like, throw you off the Savage Lovecast deep end of like gross, weird, scatalogical questions, because any one you don't want to answer you can just say.

IRA: Oh no, no I"m here to talk. [Dan laughs] I feel like I don't have good advice, because this is one, like I am too uptight to give good advice for, I feel like - so what's your advice?

DAN: My advice would be first of all to look at your diet, like if you have terrible gas all the time, maybe you have a gluten intolerance or something - maybe you need to shake it up - not that you shouldn't fart

IRA: Oh, you're saying get rid of the gas, you're trying to -

DAN: Minimise the gas

IRA: You're trying to medicinize this problem -

DAN: No I'm not trying to pathologize this poor woman - girls can fart, guys can fart, everybody farts - there's a book - 'Everybody Farts' right? But you know, if it's that noxious that she's so self conscious about it and it goes on all the time and it's terrible - maybe there's a diet thing.

IRA: There's a medication called GasEx and there are knock-offs that aren't the name brand that we have to get for our dog [both laugh] - not because he farts but because the gas builds up in his stomach and he can't sleep, and so then he keeps us awake, so for us to sleep we have to buy the dog this over the counter prescription, so in my local pharmacy I'm constantly buying these boxes - we give him three pills a day and I feel so like - this lady thinks I have such a farting problem.

DAN: Gawker hasn't picked up on this yet? They haven't turned you in - the pharmacist?

IRA: No. [Laughing] So -

DAN: So she might want to try GasEx.

IRA: There you go, this medication -

DAN: But you have a pass in your sleep.

IRA: But I feel like by medicinizing this question you yourself are bypassing the like - when do you cross the farting barrier in a relationship - like when do you -

DAN: 12 weeks.

IRA: 12 weeks?

DAN: 12 weeks. Three months in.

IRA: So like the calendar page turns and then - but isn't it the sort of thing where whoever farts first -

DAN: Farts loudest [Lots of giggling ensues] Let's do the next one.

IRA: I just want to say that whoever supplied this question -

DAN: It's a real problem

IRA: It's a real problem - I agree, but wait, I feel like we haven't given her any practical advice on what is she supposed to do now.

DAN: I don't remember what her question was.

IRA: Her question is -

DAN: I wasn't even interested in her question - I just wanted to hit you with a fart question right off the top - to see you you'd react.

IRA: Where is the caring? Somebody comes to you for advice, and you just use -

DAN: I don't care

IRA: You just use her as a bludgeon to hit me

DAN: That's the thing, I really don't care about these people and their problems - if I cared about their problems I wouldn't broadcast their questions - you know, if somebody sends you a letter and you put it in the column, that's not caring.

IRA: Wow, you have such a, such a... Wow, I'm surprised. Cos you seem -

DAN: You're not there to help - you're there to entertain, and sometimes the help is collateral, but the help happens, but you know, I get letters every day from people who have a problem, this very serious problem, but I answered a similar question two weeks ago so I can't use it - and I go like digging through the email for a question I haven't answered in a while, or ever.

IRA: Right. So you can't care about that.

DAN: You can't care about that, and you have to have, sort of a, like

IRA: You only can care about the person listening.

DAN: Right. Who's the column for? The one idiot with the problem or the -

IRA: Or the three idiots listening.

DAN: Or the three idiots listening. [Both laughing] Thank you for that. Here we go!

[SECOND CALLER]

TRANSCRIPT CONTINUES FROM @52:

MALE CALLER: Hi Dan. I'm a straight, 24 year old male and I've got one for you. I was in a meeting with new colleagues at a theatre up here in Oregon and we were discussing - it was kind of a team building / ensemble building meeting - and we were talking about ways to bridge conversations and start conversations about class and gender and race and sexuality. Well I brought up that as a homosexual man, I don't think about sexuality as much as I think about gender and race because those are things that we can see. Of course I'm not a homosexual man, I'm a heterosexual man. I misspoke, and didn't realise it until the meeting was over.and I was in rehearsal later that day. And so I thought about it and I was wondering - you know - should I call people, should I tell people, should I let people know on a need to know basis -

IRA: Pause it a second. So wait. He's saying he needed to come out as straight to his co-workers?

DAN: Yeah. He accidentally came out as gay, and now he needs to walk that back [Ira laughs] How often does that happen that a straight guy misspeaks and says he's a homosexual?

IRA: In a group setting, with people who then he ever sees again

DAN: That he sees all the time, who are all in the theatre, and then he has to walk this back.

IRA: Wow. And also, he's actually working in a setting where heterosexual is lower status.

DAN: [Dan laughs] Where they are the oppressed minority group in the theatre.

IRA: That's exactly right. That's exactly right.

DAN: Where he's very likely to be straight bashed if he should try to walk this back and come out as a heterosexual now. [Ira laughs] So let's hear his question.

MALE CALLER: - [??] this morning, and so I wanted to know, just some advice from you. It's already become kind of an issue - a couple of people have contacted me to see if I'm interested in participating in LGBT theatre and while I am, I feel the need to tell them now I misspoke. I don't know if I should nip this in the bud or tell people as they come to me and contact me.

DAN: This is pathetic. This call is pathetic. [Ira laughs] Only a straight guy who worked in the theatre would be wringing his hands about this and wondering what to do - and even be hesitating at all. He's so terrified of -

IRA: You're saying that if he were any other straight man except for one in the theatre he would simply come out and tell people -

DAN: He'd go "oh! wait shit, fuck, what?" The minute someone said 'You want to go to the gay bar later - we're going to go, like, suck some penises' he'd have been like 'wait, what, what? I'm totally straight. I misspoke', but he's like worried about how coming out as straight is going to be received by his colleagues who've identified him as one of the queers in the company.

IRA: Yeah, yeah.

DAN: It's charming. It's very sweet. These are new model straight guys who would even think about this for a moment.

IRA: I think what he has to do is pretty clear. I feel like he has two obvious choices, and one is he has to start banging some actress in the company [Dan laughs] and because it's a theatre company everyone will know within an hour after it happens, and that'll kind of put everyone's mind -

DAN: And that will elevate him to bisexual, but how does he get all the way back to heterosexual [Ira laughs]

IRA: Yeah that is the problem. Well to do that he has to try the second strategy, and from watching Glee I understand that in a theatre setting, if you want to get this across he has to do it in song [Dan laughs]

DAN: Yeah - cos there's nothing straighter than bursting into song. [Ira laughs]

IRA: I'm just saying, and so he needs to either put together some sort of sketch or something, or a song, or somehow create a setting where in a theatrical way he can let everybody know. You know those embarrassing things that you say without realising that you say -

DAN: What would that number be? Anything off the top of your head? You're gay right? You should be able to have some [Dan snaps his fingers] You've dealt with this problem once or twice in your life - you've ever been in an environment where people assumed you're gay -

IRA: I have been, I know, I know, online, online there was a period -

DAN: Your Manhunt profile - people are always assuming you're gay when they find your Manhunt profile, right?.

IRA: Exactly, no, no, there was a period online when I got married and kind of the word of it spread, there was, there was a whole, there was a period where we would get emails and then I would see online like - "why does Ira Glass like pretend this beard thing? why does he pretend, like why does he go through the facade of pretending to be straight" and I remember one especially, it was like "who is this wife character.." [Dan laughs] "..that Ira Glass refers to - who is this 'wife' character?"

DAN: [Laughing] Like it was a performance art piece. Would you like to -

IRA: Come out as straight?

DAN: No, no - wait, Anaheed exists?

IRA: Exactly.

DAN: I've met Anaheed, I assumed she was an actress hired for the occasion. So this guy should just say that he's straight. As a straight guy - straight guy to straight guy, tell this -

IRA: Yeah, man up bro. Man up. Man up; And I feel like you're in an environment where people say the wrong thing and it's embarrassing and it should turn into, like a very humorous - this is your good humorous story of like "Oh my god I said something dumb and then didn't realise it and now I'm trapped" and this is a good story to tell at, like, a cocktail party, and all he has to do is get drunk with one person and confide in them.

DAN: He could be the only guy in America with a "I'm not straight but my girlfriend is" t-shirt. [Ira laughs]. Right, we've all seen the "I"m not gay but my boyfriend is"? - he can make an "I'm not straight but my girlfriend is".

IRA: That would be a good way to do it too.

[COMMERCIAL FOR EXTREMERESTRAINTS.COM REPEATS]

TRANSCRIPT CONTINUES FROM @54

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[THIRD CALLER]
CALLER: Hi, Dan. I am a 28-year-old married woman. My husband and I have been together about seven years, and he’s… Fantastic. The only thing is that, you know, I’ve been listening to your podcast for probably a year or two…? And it’s really opened my mind, or at least, made me realize that things I may have been wanting weren’t so crazy. Like, maybe… You know, sleeping with some other guys, which is what I’ve really been thinking about lately. I mean, our sex life is fantastic, like, we’re such a good pair, but I just somehow feel like I’m missing out on some sexual experiences. And I just… I want to be safe, I want to sleep with other guys, but the thing is that it literally freaks the shit out of my husband if I bring up anything like this. I think I may have married a serial monogamist. He gets totally freaked out if I bring up anything about monogamish or, you know, like, open relationships… That just does not even compute. So. I guess my question is, what do I do? Do I just keep this as sort of like, as a fantasy? And just play it out in my mind and see how much fun I can have with it? Or do I try and bring it up to him again? Try and talk his own language? I kinda feel like I’m at a little bit of an impasse, but maybe you have some insight for me.

DAN: Would you like to tell her to go ahead and cheat on her husband or shall I?

IRA: [pause] You’re going to tell her to cheat?

DAN: No! No, I was just trying to trick you into saying it.

IRA: [pauses again] No, I don’t think she should cheat.

DAN: You don’t?

IRA: No, I actually think that –

DAN: This goes to the heart of what you were saying about your mom and her research earlier –

IRA: Yeah.

DAN: – that, there’s nothing wrong with her marriage, she loves her husband, she says the sex life is “fantastic,” but she wants to fuck somebody else. That’s what marriage has sort of constructed… understood… can’t deal with, doesn’t know how to… That desire for variety, that desire for different – she says, “these experiences I’ve missed out on, I want to have,” – those are at war, that desire is at war with the commitment she made to her husband.

IRA: Yeah.

DAN: And she can’t have both.

IRA: I mean, you know, the fact is that a marriage is the rules that you agree on? Right? So, she would need to convince him that this could be okay. I think the one thing she shouldn’t do is cheat on him, and I actually think that – My mom said that the infidelity isn’t actually the sex, the infidelity is confiding, that you’re confiding in somebody else besides your partner, somebody else knows you better. Like you trust somebody else more with the truth about you than you trust the person who you’re supposed to be closest to. Like… That’s the real thing that actually rips people apart. And so, if you want to stay together, if you like being married, if you like that experience and the other parts of it, then I think it’s really destructive, and…

DAN: And I agree, I do –

IRA: So, I think –

DAN: She would have to renegotiate the terms of the commitment that she made. She – When she married seven years ago, she made a monogamous commitment.

IRA: Yeah.

DAN: Maybe she shouldn’t have that commitment, she knows herself better now. (Perhaps.) There are people who make monogamous commitments who are incapable of monogamous behavior for the long term. They should hopefully realize that about themselves before they make the mistake of making a commitment like this to someone who CAN make that kind of commitment and stick to it. But, now –

IRA: I think –

DAN: – she’s in the position of either sucking it up and experiencing these things through fantasy, which millions and millions of married people do… Or, renegotiating terms with her husband, and he doesn’t sound down with it at all.

IRA: Yeah. Yeah, I wonder if there’s some version of it that would be – that would make it more attractive to him, that is, if it’s clear that, like, he gets to sleep with other people too… Though he doesn’t seem like the sort of person who wants that.

DAN: And some people that want that –

IRA: Which I take to be code for “she’s cuter than he is.”

DAN: [Laughs.] Well, it’s always easier for women to get sex, cute or not.

IRA: Right.

DAN: And, you know, I get letters everyday from male-female couples who have opened their relationships or are in open relationships, and she can find a dude who will fuck her by walking out of the house, and it’s very hard for a married man – in an open relationship, where everything is above-board, even if the wife is willing to, like, say, “Yeah yeah, it’s fine with me!” – to find a woman who is okay with that, single or married.

IRA: I also think that, though… I think it’s a tough thing, truly, because I think that, even if her husband said yes, I actually think that agreeing to have an open marriage is a really – it can be a really dangerous thing because you do get attached to people. And, it’s funny, I just interviewed somebody a couple of days ago… But anyway, he was in a situation where he was involved with somebody for thirteen years, they were perfectly happy, and they got involved on their third day of college… And after thirteen years, they saw their friends marrying off, they’re 31 now, and they’re just like, “Well, why… How come we never… Why haven’t we ever talked about being married?” And they have the kind of relationship where they’re very good friends, they could talk about anything – could talk about ANYTHING – in a way that… I don’t know, which seems really nice. And the girl in that relationship was like this woman, and she says, “Well, I just think, like, before I get married, I wanna have more sex. I wanna have sex with more different people. Like, it just seems weird to just, like, lock that up for the rest of my life in this pledge.” And he’s like, “You know, actually, that makes sense to me,” and so they agree to take a rumspringa for a month –

DAN: And it destroys the relationship.

IRA: It does destroy the relationship. Yeah. And what he says that what happens is that… That trying to… Even on the mission that he was on, which was, “I have a month to have as much sex as I can,” – which then extended to two months and then three months – and apparently it wasn’t very hard, like, as a young, single person in New York City for him to get a lot of sex with a lot of different people –

DAN: No.

IRA: Yeah. He says, basically… Anyone in New York can have sex any night they want, all they have to do is stay in the bar and lower their standards. [Dan laughs.] But he said –

DAN: New York City, where even the straight people are gay people.

IRA: Kind of. Yeah, it’s funny, I’ve only lived here as a married person, so I didn’t really know that… But anyway, so he said, basically, he found it impossible to separate it, he said going out and looking for sex and looking for sexual experiences… He was somebody who just by whatever personality he had, wasn’t able to do it without his feelings getting all caught up in it in a way that confused his feelings for the, you know, for the marriage that was coming, for marrying this woman… And –

DAN: And she was able to? She had some flings and wanted to –

IRA: No no, I think –

DAN: – get back together, or they both attached to new persons?

IRA: What’s funny [is], I haven’t interviewed her yet. HE says that she had the same feelings, but I don’t know for sure, and I don’t know if she’s going to agree to be interviewed. But –

DAN: But they’re no longer together.

IRA: They’re no longer together, they did break up –

DAN: Maybe they shouldn’t be, though.

IRA: – and there’s a famous couple named –

DAN: Maybe they shouldn’t be together, maybe –

IRA: No no, he says that’s it’s right, he’s glad that they didn’t get together. He said actually that this was their way out, and that they shouldn’t have been together.

DAN: Okay, so it wasn’t that the infidelity or the opening it up destroyed a relationship that would’ve gone the six-decade distance, it was… The opening up was their way out –

IRA: It let him see the reality, you know, it was the out that they needed. So maybe that’s actually an instructive thing for her [the caller], that that’s another possibility of what’s happening, it’s that she shouldn’t be with this guy, but I feel like all these various questions we don’t have the answers to –

DAN: Yeah.

IRA: – from this call…

DAN: Yeah. See, I listen to questions like this, and half the time what I hear is, you know, it’s either going to be the end of the relationship or the savior of the relationship, opening it up, because people will sabotage their relationships. Sex is too powerful, sex is, you know, a half a billion years older than we are… This idea that we have sex? Bullshit. Sex has US. And if your relationship is at war with your desire, it’s like set up in this way that’s just, you know, built for conflict – as opposed to, you know, the relationship being something that makes things happen for you, that helps you realize your potential sexually – that relationship is going to end. Because YOU’RE going to destroy it, consciously or subconsciously, you’re going to explode it to get out, if there’s something that you want… And everybody makes sacrifices, and everybody, even in open relationships, doesn’t get everything that they want, that’s not what it’s about. But, somebody who feels the way that she feels about sexual variety is going to start looking at her husband as, “That’s the reason –“

IRA: “He’s the problem.”

DAN: “– why I’m sexually unfulfilled. If he was gone, I wouldn’t have this problem.” And if he values the relationship more than sexual exclusivity, maybe they can hammer out a deal. But if he values sexual exclusivity more than the relationship, then it’s over, and then it should be over, because I don’t think she sounds like she’s cut out for monogamy. And she’s either gonna cheat or she’s going to leave.

[pause]

IRA: You know, when you lay it out like that, I feel like it sounds very logical, and I feel like, “Well, of course, what you’re saying is right,” but there’s some part of me which feels like, “Surely there are some people for whom, like, repression is working,” you know what I mean? And you know, like, the other thing is that she could just suck it up… And, like, you know, she began her whole thing how fantastic this guy is, that’s her lead, and maybe that’s just her cover story so she can actually – that’s what she has to say so she can say the truth that then follows, she has to begin with this sort of like half-truth, like, “It’s fantastic, we have this great sex, you know, we have this great relationship.” But if, in fact, if it’s fantastic, and they actually have a good sex life, and she actually really loves him, and she actually gets all these other things that are harder to find than sex with another person… Then… I don’t know. Like… Maybe I’m just older than you or something? [Dan laughs.] But I just feel like –

DAN: You’re not THAT much older than me!

IRA: I know, but I just feel like, well, I don’t know, how important is sex to you? Maybe just suck it up. I don’t think that sucking it up is a crazy option forever. You know, like, I think that, for some people, that actually is the right choice.

DAN: Well, there’s sucking it up that goes on in open relationships, eventually we have to acknowledge that sucking it up is probably the wrong choice of words or phrase for this conversation… [Both laugh.]

IRA: But you in fact would not be sucking it up, you would be, the sucking would be –

DAN: It would be unsucking, it would be sucking it down, or something.

[Both laughing.]

IRA: Yeah, exactly!

DAN: But there’s sucking up that goes on in open relationship. Again, you don’t get everything you want, it’s usually a very tensely negotiated, mutually acceptable limitation still…

IRA: I think what you’re saying is sensible, she can negotiate it with the husband, and I think the husband… In a way, what you’re saying is, the husband has to suck it up, like, if he wants to keep this girl, and if he wants to keep this marriage, he has to take it seriously, and let himself be open to this possibility.

DAN: The only thing that I would add is that there’s nothing about this problem that needs solving right now. But she’s had this conversation with the husband, it sounds like, or if she hasn’t, she should. And then say, “But I’m not going to do [it].” Like, enjoy the awesome sex, enjoy the marriage, enjoy the relationship, and put this before him. And you should frame it as, “I wanna fuck other people. EVERYBODY wants to fuck other people, YOU wanna fuck other people. Be honest with me. Being in love, being married, having a monogamous commitment – it doesn’t mean you DON’T wanna fuck other people, it means you DON’T fuck other people, but you still want to. And, going forward with this marriage, how are we going to deal with that want-to stuff? And what you want is, ‘it doesn’t happen,’ but I can conceive of situations under which it could happen.” And this is a long-term conversation, because… Anyway, we shouldn’t keep talking, we have a couple more calls to do.

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[FOURTH CALLER]

Best Savage Love Podcast ever! I don't usually have a crush on Ira Glass, but there was something about hearing Ira say "cock" and "blowjob" that got me hot. More Ira, his big brain, and his velvety voice, please!

Why did you guys censor my comment? I'm trying to imagine how it could have possibly violated any rules or policies.

It would be entirely reasonable for you to disagree with me, and explain why you think I'm wrong. I could even endure being called nasty names by other posters, like 16 and 20. But I put some serious thought into that comment, and you just chucked it down the memory hole. That's not very nice, and it's not very liberal.

Continues from @55

[FOURTH CALLER]

FEMALE CALLER: Hi Dan, I have a question but I should probably give you some background.information about me first. First of all, I'm a virgin. When I was really young I was sent to an all girls Christian boarding school, and as you can imagine, it was very strict and I never had any opportunity to experience, to experiment sexually. I didn't leave the school until I graduated high school there, and since then I've had many opportunities to try sex, but I just didn't claim them. I never had an interest in sex and I thought maybe there was something wrong with me, but I heard about human asexuality, so now I identify myself as an asexual. I also have a passion for helping people, especially children who have felt abandoned or unwanted. My dream is to establish an orphanage that gives these children special secular education and a good chance at life. Of course this costs a lot of money. Also I am in my third year of college and that is also expensive. I found out on the internet that a girl can sell her virginity for over 1 million dollars. Of course I plan to do this legally. I may be asexual but I'm willing to go through the motions and sell my virginity so that I can [???] my dream. I wouldn't like [???] with a charity because I value self sufficiency and I don't like asking for money, so my question to you is, what is your opinion of prostitution, specifically just one shot at prostitution like selling virginity. My biggest concern is safety, because I know I will be going to maybe the Bunny Ranch in Nevada to make the transaction and I just wanted to make sure that it will be safe - and even if it isn't safe I'm willing to risk it, just for a chance to fulfill my dreams.

IRA: Wow.

DAN: Crazy. First of all I did a little googling, also known as research, and most of the people who've gone on line to auction off their virginities - they're not pulling in a million dollars.

IRA: I was going to say, that number seemed very, very high.

DAN: Optimistic

IRA: What's the going rate?

DAN: The numbers that I saw for people who had successfully - and made a big media splash out of it - 35, 40, 60 thousand dollars - you're not going to fund your education and start -

IRA: An orphanage.

DAN: An orphanage, by auctioning off your virginity, I'm sorry to say

IRA: Well if you do it just once - but if you do it thirty times [Dan laughs] then you have a shot.

DAN: Cos you have to reclaim your virginity.

IRA: Different names, whatever. Basically you're going to have to sell off your virginity thirty or forty times to get a million dollars is what we're saying.

DAN: And I don't think you're willing to do that. I don't think you should do that. But interestingly,there's all this debate about prostitution in Nevada, constantly, you know, if you were actually thinking of doing this in a brothel in Nevada you're actually safer in an environment where prostitution is legal, safer at a brothel, where there are bouncers and there's not been one HIV infection traced back to a prostitute who worked legally in a brothel in Nevada. There's research into it. So if you contacted a brothel and you want to organize some sort of auction online, an auction of your virginity and there's a brothel in Nevada that's willing to work with you, your physical safety - you know, nothing's a 100% guaranteed - but it's safer than trying DIY it yourself on the side. But you're not going to make a million dollars.

IRA: What you're talking about isn't prostitution, what you're talking about is that Robert Redford movie, Indecent Proposal [Dan laughs] which is like the stupidest movie, you know what I mean? - the couple, the husband wants to pay the wife a million dollars to bang her for one night and you just feel like - well take the million dollars! [Both laughing]

DAN: That you would sign off on? If someone were to offer Anaheed a million dollars you'd be like 'Well - a million dollars - we could start an orphanage'

IRA: [Laughs] That's exactly what we would do with it too.

DAN: For gassy dogs

IRA: [Laughing] Precisely. Yeah, yeah, she would sign up for it too. I think that's in our deal You know - you have celebrities who you are allowed to sleep with if you ever encounter them, because you'll never encounter them and then well you know, sure, if anyone ever offers either of us a million dollars to bang them, I feel that goes down very easy between us.

DAN: But you know, we don't want to make this caller feel bad. You know, it's a nice impulse, if you're asexual and you don't intend to be sexually active and sexuality doesn't mean anything to you and your virginity doesn't feel particularly significant because you're never going to be in a sexual relationship with anyone, to want to leverage this culture's obsession -

IRA: I don't see anything wrong it.

DAN: - to pay for your education, I don't see anything wrong with it,so long as it's safe, but you're not going to make a million dollars, you're not going to make a million dollars - but you could make 30 grand, you could make 40 grand, you could pay off your college loans. The other thing though is you'll have to be public. People who auction off their virginities show their faces. So, it sounds like your from a conservative background, you went to a Christian university -

IRA: You want to start an orphanage for children.

DAN: This isn't going to be something you can do with no photo.

IRA: Yeah, but the orphanage isn't going to be started, like next week, so, you know.

DAN: But she'll have to sell her virginity thirty, forty times before she can...

IRA: There is your problem.

DAN: So if you have thirty vaginas, you are set.

[FIFTH CALLER]

FEMALE CALLER (AMANDA): Hi Dan, my name's Amanda, I'm calling from Anchorage, Alaska, 25, recently married, my husband and I got married on Halloween

IRA: Pause for a second. They got married on Halloween? What is -

DAN: Seems weird.

IRA: It seems weird. OK, let's keep going.

DAN: It's Anchorage. It's a weird place.

IRA: I feel like in Anchorage you have permission to be whoever you want. It's more American than America. [Dan laughs]

AMANDA: - this last year, and then we finally moved into our new apartment - yayyy!! - so the reason why I'm calling is because my husband, he's a big huge flirt and I understand that and I originally told him that I thought that I could handle that, you know, that he could flirt and text other females - it was supposed to be strictly texting, you know, to let him do whatever, you know, I just told him that I would prefer that these other women would be not in this state and that, you know, none of them were one specific female, which thankfully he's not talking to her, but he - [hesitates] he started talking to his ex - the chick he was with before me, and

IRA: Pause the tape again. I don't even know what her question is yet, we're still in the middle of this call, but listen to how upset she is, and I hate this guy, like, I feel like whatever her question is going to be, my answer is drop this loser. Alright, let's keep going

AMANDA: When we got together he said he had ended it with her and he didn't want anything to do with her except for her son, who is not biologically his, but that he did help raise, and I said, OK, that's understandable. He has started flirting with his ex and I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I want to talk to him about it but I know that if I try to talk to him about it, if I try to bring it up in any way then he's going to get pissed off and get really mad. My husband has, when he gets pissed off at me, or like if I do something to piss him off then he'll do something to piss me off or hurt me in some way and it sucks, you know, trying to get over that, but it's, I want to talk to him but I just don't know what to do. And you know, talking with his ex the way that he is - she's an ex for a reason and he married me, not her. I don't know what I should do, I love my husband, I don't want him doing this any more, but I'm too afraid that if I say anything then he's going to get pissed off, or you know, something else is going to happen

IRA: I mean I think it's really clear what she needs to do - do you want to start?

DAN: She needs to dump the motherfucker already. DTMFA. This is not a relationship, it's a hostage situation. You need to get the fuck out, get the fuck away from this guy. The deal you hammered out with him where you hate the flirting but you OK'd it so long as it was limited in these ways, and texting, and women outside of Alaska, all this Rube Goldberg contraption you've built to accommodate his bullshit - it doesn't work and it's not going to work and it's never going to work and he's an asshole and you need to leave him. And you're a fool. You know it's easy to beat him up in this situation and he should get sloppy around the situation and so should she. This wasn't really great judgement here, hammering out this deal. She knew who she was, she knew that the deal he laid in front of her - she's a 25 year old woman - she knew that the deal he laid in front of her was never going to work. You know, did she not bounce it off of Mom, off of her sisters, off of her friends, get their input? You need to cut your losses and go.

IRA: Or, if you want to stay with him the one chance you have is to say look, this is what I want, and I don't want you flirting with other women, that's not what I want in the marriage

DAN: He made permission to flirt a condition of marrying at all.

IRA: Did he?

DAN: Yes, at the top of the call, like he'd only marry me if I was OK with the flirting with other women. I knew he was a huge flirt, blah blah blah, but it makes her this miserable. She wanted to be married more than she wanted to be married to him, and so she agreed to this deal with him and it makes her miserable and it's only going to make her more and more miserable and - she lives in fucking Anchorage Alaska, where there's 25 men for every girl

IRA: Not any more.

DAN: Well whatever it is now. I'm still seven brides for seven brothers in my head, which wasn't even Alaska, but that's what I thought Alaska was. Leave. Leave. There's got to be a lesser Johnston brother out there for you.

IRA: How is this though any different from the other calls where you're saying like well, he wants to be non-monogamous, why not be non-monogamous

DAN: Because he's not being non-monogamous, he's being an asshole. When I hear these sorts of calls, these sorts of problems, it's not about the freedom he wants - part of what he wants is to torture this woman. This isn't just about his freedom to be a flirt and you know, tap into that kind of sexual energy from other people - he found someone who'll do his laundry, put up with his shit, and he wants compete license, complete freedom, and her misery is part of it for him, somehow feeding his ego. That's why he's going right to pushing those buttons, flirting with his ex, and flirting with women that weren't on the, that weren't the women that he was allowed to flirt with and in the places he was allowed to flirt with them. He agreed to this shit never intending to honor his side of the deal, in part to make her miserable. This isn't honest non-monogamy.

IRA: OK

DAN: You know, when it comes to people like Gingrich, when it comes to people like Schwarzenegger, every time there's someone like Gingrich saying he wanted an open marriage, to his second ex wife -

IRA: I can't believe that you're bringing that up. This is what you people do all the time - [Dan laughs] deflect us from the true issues in this country.

DAN: Well when that comes up, people write me. I got letters saying 'Oh are you happy now? Newt Gingrich was non-monogamous, not monogamous, open marriage' - Newt Gingrich didn't succeed at non-monogamy, he failed at monogamy. He was in a monogamous relationship and he fucked it up. He wasn't in an honest non monogamous - going to someone six years into your affair with Calista "Devout Catholic" Gingrich and asking for an open marriage isn't non-monogamy done right. That's assholery and abusing people. This is assholery and abusing people, this isn't non-monogamy.

[SIXTH CALLER]

Continues from @60 - Last segment! Hurray!

[SIXTH CALLER]

FEMALE CALLER: [garbled greeting to Dan and the at-risk youth] … Hi. I was wondering about something. Could you clarify the “oral sex comes standard” [rule], [to specify] if coming in the mouth does too? Because… [sigh] I’ve been trying SO many times. I used to be good at it, but with my current boyfriend for some reason… I throw up. Every time. A little bit, a lot, I have so much trouble not gagging, and it’s humiliating, and I don’t know how to fix that. If you know how to fix that, that’d be awesome, but I’m just feeling really bad, and I don’t know whether or not it’s okay to take it off the table… Because… It’s AWFUL. Like, REALLY BAD. I know that it’s not fair to do that because he performs oral sex on me, and I’m sure that he gets all sorts of female liquids around and on him… But… I dunno. Could you tell me? [sounds almost tearful] Because, I can try to work on it, I just… I don’t know. It’s kind of, really humiliating.

IRA: Poor honey! So wait, so what I’m picturing is like, you know how in South Park, when… Is it Kyle, who likes the girl, and every time he sees her, he just pukes?

DAN: Uh-huh…

IRA: That’s her situation! Every time she gives a blowjob, at the end of the blowjob, she pukes?!

DAN: And he still wants blowjobs. That would be such a huge disincentive for me, I would be like, “Oh no, that’s okay! I mean, that’s okay.”

IRA: Yeah, I know. I think it just shows… how great a blowjob is… [Both laugh.] …that he still wanted blowjobs after that…

[Both still laughing.]

DAN: Unless he’s a reflexophiliac and the throw-up is part of it for him, which I certainly hope isn’t the case. I actually think, you know, once you’ve brought somebody to the point of orgasm, past the point of no return, your work is done. Where the semen goes? That’s extra credit, above and beyond the call of duty –

[Ira laughs.]

DAN: If that moment, if you eating his come, if him blowing his load when he’s done, if that’s what makes you puke… DON’T SWALLOW HIS COME! You’ve done your bit! You got him off. If you want to, like, pull his dick out of your mouth and let him shoot over your shoulder… that’s what you should do. And you shouldn’t feel at all embarrassed – he’s not not getting a blowjob, he’s getting a blowjob. He came, if you brought him to that point with your mouth and he came, even if he comes on the carpet… [pause] …you did your job. You did your work. Good girl!

[pause]

IRA: You really think this is, like, totally cut and dry, like, totally like, “That’s it, take his cock out of your mouth –“

DAN: Yeah.

IRA: “-- at that very last moment?”

DAN: Yes.

IRA: Okay.

DAN: I also think… you know… pull it towards the front of your mouth? … There are people who are allergic to other people’s semen, and, you know, sometimes --

IRA: [incredulous] Oh my god! She might be allergic to his semen?!

DAN: Yeah, but it sounds… It may be him. She said she’s never had this problem with anybody else –

IRA: Hmm.

DAN: -- only with him. It could be the shape of his penis, where it hits her in the back of the throat. It could be how he reacts at the point of orgasm, perhaps he bucks or thrusts in a way –

IRA: Mmm-hmmm.

DAN: -- that triggers her gag reflex… Whatever it is, she should choke up on the bat if that’s what it takes to make it not go so far in… Or she should, I don’t think that once somebody --

IRA: Wow, I feel like --

DAN: -- once somebody is going over the falls, I think you’ve done the blowjob, and then it’s –

IRA: [laughing] “You’ve done the blowjob”?

DAN: Yeah! It’s over! They’re coming! It’s done! And you can swallow it if you wanna swallow it, you can --

IRA: Yeah yeah yeah.

DAN: -- let it rest in your mouth and then spit it out, or you can pull the thing out and let it shoot come on your tits --

IRA: Sure. I understand. Yeah. Yeah.

DAN: That’s what you’d let – you’d let him pull out and shoot come on your tits, Ira? [Ira chuckles.] Is that what you’d do?

IRA: Exactly. [Dan joins laughter.] That’s my motto. Yeah. That’s –

DAN: “Pull out and come on my tits.” Ira Glass. It’s over the door here at the studio, it’s in Latin, and it’s very classy.

IRA: [Still laughing.] Yeah. Exactly. Yeah.

DAN: What is… Who is the woman who hosts “Fresh Air”?

IRA: Terry Gross.

DAN: What’s her motto?

IRA: Don’t drag her into this.

DAN: [laughing] What did she ever do to me but put me on her show a couple of times –

IRA: Yeah. And look at you.

DAN: -- and talk to me very politely and very respectfully? But that’s not her motto. What’s her motto?

IRA: I’m not getting into it. I… She is lovely –

DAN: She is lovely.

IRA: -- and I adore her, and –

DAN: I adore her too! [Ira laughs.] I dunno why I did that. That’s why I’m me and not you, because I would do that, because my mind instantly goes somewhere it shouldn’t go, and it falls out of my mouth.

IRA: Yeah.

DAN: So, thank you so much!

IRA: I had – this was really fun.

DAN: Would you do it again sometime?

IRA: Oh my god, I would do it again next week!

[Both laugh.]

DAN: It’s easier than your show, you’ve got all these producers, you’ve got people running around lining up all these interviews. It’s very complicated, your gig.

IRA: Well, no, though, the problem with my show is that we edit everything so aggressively. Like, there’s a story that’s on this week’s show that I spent, you know, probably forty hours, like, editing and re-editing and re-editing with the producers, trying to get it right, and… You know, so it’s like, way more labor for each hour of material.

DAN: Everybody often asks me, like, the one piece of sex advice, if I give everybody one bit of advice, what would it be, the most important bit of sex advice? What’s your most important piece of --

IRA: Piece of sex advice?

DAN: One single piece of sex advice from Ira Glass, THE Ira Glass Sex Advice Motto, what would it be?

IRA: “Don’t forget to brush your teeth.”

[Music starts.]

DAN: And we’ll leave it there. Two oh six, two oh one, two seven two oh is the number here at the podcast. If you’d like to give us a call and record a question or comment for a future show, please do. Two oh six, two oh one, two seven two oh. Thank you so much, Ira!

IRA: Yeah, this was so fun!

DAN: It was! Yeah, I dunno why this never occurred to me before, I’ve been on your show a bunch, and I do this stupid podcast, and I never thought about – I should’ve been like, “I’ll make Ira feel guilty and ask him to come on my show.”

IRA: No, but I don’t feel guilty, I was just like, “This seems like it could be really fun.”

DAN: Was it fun?

IRA: Yeah, it was very fun. I’m astounded! I mean, like, I know I hear the podcast, but it’s been like a year since I’ve heard it… I feel like I was just, I’m just reminded of just the incredible quality of the questions you get. Each one is like a trip into a total world… This is a really amazing set of questions.

DAN: [pleased] Thank you!

IRA: Yeah.

DAN: We curate them. The tech-savvy at-risk youth do. Two oh six, two oh one, two seven two oh, that’s the number here at the podcast, give us a call. And me and the tech-savvy at-risk youth, but not Ira Glass, will be back atcha next week with another installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thanks for downloading it, everybody. Bye! Thanks again, Ira.

IRA: Bye, everybody.

[END]

I am very prone to throwing up when I give oral, so what I do is have a grungy sex towel around and put it on my partner and when my partner orgasms, I let it dribble out onto the towel, so clean up is usually not a big deal.

As with a previous commenter, I am also very much hoping to get a link to the Valentines Day show with Mrs. Glass and Mrs. Savage that was mentioned at the start of the podcast. Is this something that could be shared with us, if Dan and Ira do not mind? I'm dying to see it.

The only way this podcast could have been improved is if Ira had read the sponsorship script from Extreme Restraints.

One of my most favorite podcasts EVER. I LOVE IRA GLASS AND DAN SAVAGE! Together, you guys are so funny and witty. Love, love, love. Please do it again!

Oh yeah, I also vote for bringing Ira back again soon. This episode was a real treat. Actually, maybe start sending invites out to other public media crew who don't normally get to kick back and relax at their usual jobs - tell them how much fun Ira had and see what happens next. My vote would be for Terry Gross or Gwen Ifill to be next at the mic.

I would also add that I think the exchange where Dan said he didn't really care about his callers' problems should've been edited out. I know, as Nancy said, that Dan does care about the people who contact him for help (even demonstrated in this show by his reaction to the woman with the flirty husband), but that exchange didn't sound good at all and will almost certainly be put out again in the future by some of Dan's many detractors as a way to discredit him.

@65 Hahahahaha yesssss!

How could all of you NOT KNOW that Dan was kidding? Tre sensitive! Come on...really?

That was great! Two of my favorite radio personalities join forces to blow my mind with criminally entertaining radio - Please try to get Ira to come in again.

Amazing. Best podcast in history. Amazing. Dan and Ira together kick ass. You made me laugh, think, etc. This is podcasting as an art form. Seriously. Please please please do this again. Thanks! A fan from Argentina.

Thanks, thanks, thanks Dan & Ira. Do it again! And again. And again. Seriously. Please, please.

OH. MY. GOD! PLEASE more Ira Glass! It was a mash up of two worlds... and I LOVED every second of it!

I got married on Halloween too! It was on the 5th anniversary of our first date, which was to a Halloween party. It was fun!