Just commenting on the straight girl who puked in her friend's bed...bravo Dan! Great answer - was thinking the exact same thing while her question was playing and was thrilled to hear you lay into her and try to help her see what must have been going on in her friends head.

Listening to that awful vomiting straight girl get ripped apart is the most satisfying thing I've heard in quite awhile.

She might not be THE single most horrible person to ever call into the podcast... but I've listened to all of them, and no one worse is springing to mind.

@2 - Ep. 15. A guy calling in for advice on breaking up with his "copulation friend." It's surprising that the Lovecast has lasted so long after peaking so early.

@4 disagree

On the puking, its ultimately still her responsibility to clean up the mess. If she absolutely had to leave for something, you leave a note apologizing or wake her up to personally apologize and say also say that you will be back as soon as you can to finish cleaning.

Also, I think there was enough information on the flirtation to assume the worst. The friend could have been exaggerating the extend of the inappropriate behavior because the caller doesn't remember, but the caller did not see why the accused behavior would have been wrong. This lack of insight is the very reason why its very likely that she actually did cross the line

I agree with #4; there was a lot of missing information in the blackout/vomit caller's call, and it was unwarranted for Dan to make the assumptions that he did, and to scold her without this additional information. (Since #4's comment is unregistered, I wanted to help make sure that it doesn't get overlooked by some readers in the rush to pile on the caller.)

I'm usually all for taking the caller's at face value, unless the red flags are truly egregious... which they are in this case. Just to start with, listen to the way she describes what follows the cleaning up "as best as I possibly could": "shortly after, I got a VERY RUDE text message."

That's the offense! Not the vomiting in someone elses bed, not all the horrible blackout behavior she couldn't even remember. The friend who had to deal with all this after was RUDE to her! Imagine that!

And there's something wrong & entitled in the details of basically everything she says.

This girl is reprehensible. But the good news for her is that she sounds young and might be able to grow out of it. But you have to realize HOW you're awful before you can start to change it. Let's hope she takes Dan's words to heart.

Absolute minimum response to vomiting in someone's bed is stripping the bed, rinsing out those sheets, leaving a note, and showing up at soonest opportunity with new sheets and in-person apology. At that point, when you learned you also behaved inappropriately in other ways, you accept whatever the person has to say to you.

If you feel that what you did was not so bad as to warrant what they have to say to you, you can take that as a signal that you and they don't share some values, and not be such good friends with them in future. But that's for the future. Right now, you are at fault, and you take what they dish out. That's the price one pays for behaving offensively.

I'd also like to add that not being able to hold one's liquor stops being charming around age 16 or so. If you're in your twenties, you are old enough to drink without being a twat. (This is what comes of raised drinking age - people learning how to drink while out in the world, rather than in somebody's parents' basement.)

But what if I want a longer show... and I'm still willing to listen to the commercials? and I don't want to have to pay?

Don't people know advertising is how radio and podcasts make their money???

I just wanted to thank Dan for the advice he gave to the man who caught his wife making out with someone at a party. I've been with my wife for 15 years (married 12) as well, and we tried our hand at swinging a year ago. It went horribly wrong and we've been living with the fallout for the past year. For me, I allowed myself to get too emotionally invested with the other couple (who were clearly there just for the sex), and my wife got a bacterial infection that has caused over a year of problems for her. Antibiotics and physio can treat my wife's issues, but I've been having a hard time processing the emotional aftermath. Dan's advice really hit home for me. I should have known better since every one of my previous relationships had been a loving LTR. I was ill equipped to handle NSA sex, but it has reshaped my previous beliefs about what a marriage is and is not. ANy other overly sensitive guys out there have a similar situation happen to them? How do you heal?

Three cheers!
Yay longer show!
Yay advice to betrayed husband!
YAY advice to drunk straight girl!

Also yay advice to 20-yr-old girl. How I wish you had been around when I was 20.

Thank you for seeing through the puker's bullshit. Best response ever.

As bad as the insensitivity about straight privilege, the thoughtlessness about the vomit-soaked bed, and the cluelessness of the texting responses were, it seems that alcohol was the biggest problem for the last caller. If this was a one-time thing, then focus on the other issues, but if getting blacked-out drunk is something that happens with any regularity, the caller has a big problem that needs to be dealt with, preferably soon.

Wait, FIRST: Does anybody know what a "reflex-a-philiac" IS?? I googled it and couldn't find anything, and I"m really curious because from what it sounds like, I think a dated a guy like that.

About the puking straight girl: I can kind of see it both ways. I trust Dan's impeccible insight, and she did sound entitled and he was spot on by pointing out her hypocrisy when she said, "I don't like you like that" after having flashed her tits at her friend. I think Dan's probably right and I enjoyed the rant! However, I just have to say, I have been around really defensive gay women (I say this as someone who is bi and dated [was in a LTR for two years with] a lesbian) and was constantly shot nasty, accusatory "get-out-of-our-lady-pool" looks by lesbian women who made the automatic assumption that I was just a straight girl living in the moment and having a "queer thrill," as you say, Dan. Every time we went out to gay bars and I got drunk and was goofy and sexual with her, I had to deal with their dubious stares and their insulting questions.

So it is possible that this lesbian just went off on her and made the assumption that the straight girl was hitting on her. Either way...I think there's something to be said for showing some forgiveness and understanding on the part of your drunk friend's bad behavior, especially if she is truly sorry. But maybe the straight girl is just a brat...it's just that she sounded so surprised by how upset her friend was....that it makes me think...her friend was maybe a bit irrational about it.....

Also, yay for the longer show!

I also want to thank Dan for the advice to the man who caught his wife kinda sorta cheating a little. My husband cheated some over our twenty years together - not affairs, but a little now and then when he was out of town. It wasn't wonderful, but it wasn't worth destroying everything real that we had together, either. We were in the process of working it out when he found out he had cancer, and then it really didn't seem all that important. I'm so glad I didn't do the expected thing and show him the door when I first found out.

Yet when I say this, when I say that a little cheating, while wrong, isn't the worst thing one human being can do to another, I get this "you must have low self esteem" BS. As if the half a dozen times his attention was not on me, over the course of twenty years, counted more than all the love and connection. Romance novels have a lot to answer for, IMO.

Excited about the new venture into paid podcasting, I will definitely be a subscriber. But one note: please make it as accessible as possible. I know it is tempting to just make it iOS/iTunes only, but please keep us Android (and Windows Phone and Blackberry and PC-only) users in mind. Can't wait!

YAY for longer pod casts!!!! I'm always so sad when the pod casts end. I can't wait to hear more Dan every week. I'd be in favor of a daily podcast too, but that might be pushing my luck! So, will the longer version be the same as the shorter version, just more questions and no commercials?

Loved this show. Best in a long time.

And LOL #3 I forgot about that guy! Now I can't stop giggling.

Regarding drunkmess straight girl, putting myself in her shoes, if I had awoken in such a state, I'd have taken her sheets with me, and returned with them clean, as well as a new set, just to heal the embarrassment. If I then found out I'd been as flirtatious as all that, I'd have apologized profusely, even if I couldn't remember it.

I get the feeling that any apology she offered was tinged with affront. You can hear it in her accusations of rudeness. Insincere apologies do not help. In fact if you offer one and you were skating on thin ice BEFORE, you're about to be in ice water over your head.

I will throw her one bone, though. . . "You wouldn't understand because you're not X" is never true. They might not understand YET because they're not X, but they never will if you don't explain it.

Thanks Dan, also, for the speech on cheating. I think it's something a lot of people could benefit from.

On the longer podcast: YAY! But no ads? BOO! Ah well, I'd happily pay for it I just like sex toy coupons. But please, please, please, don't use itunes.

From what I hear about them (not having attended one), those who have more or less equal choice of preference would probably find a same-sex foot party much more enjoyable. (I could almost have saved Mr Ramsey's blessed island of good boots for this one.)

I think the drunk chick wants to experiment with other girls and was embarrassed by her actions and that is why she left and became sarcastic and defensive.
What she needs to do is apologize to her friend, then find another girl who would be willing to make out with her to see how she likes it, and not treat that person with disrespect.

I want to second 17's sentiment - please make the new podcast format easily accessible once one has paid for it. I.e. DRM-free!!! Having to get stuff through iTunes or some shitty portal makes my skin crawl.

I'm definitely looking forward to a longer podcast, and wouldn't mind tossing some cash at the TSARY to make that happen. Is it not viable to make the longer show profitable via more ads? I typically hate ads but the ones on your show go down easy. That said, I would still probably pay a small fee to enjoy an ad-free experience if given the choice.

Great to hear about the longer show! I don't really mind the short ads in the current version but I'll be happy to pay for an extended show.

Your response to Drunky McBlackout was awesome. Perfect. Thorough, but also surprisingly succinct considering how awful she was. It barely touched on the initial stupid entitlement around "I was blackout drunk, so I don't remember and you can't get mad at me for something I don't remember" because there were so many other layers of obliviousness to get through. Awesome.

The price and the length are perfect for me. And the ads are the least annoying of any podcast I listen to.

Yeah, I agree that there might have been unknown mitigating circumstances that might have tempered Dan's response a little had he known them. But that girl needs to take away from this:

1. don't drink to unconsciousness anymore. That's dangerous.

2. don't barf in someone's space anymore. If you get a sudden attack of food poisoning, well, maybe, but then abject groveling plus extreme efforts to fix the mess you made is the only appropriate response.

3. I'd add to it that this pooch is totally screwed. There's no way at this point to even be cordial. Write it off and avoid her. The only way to have fixed it was, again, _immediate_ abject groveling.

4. You _did_ something mean and stupid but that doesn't mean you _are_ mean and stupid going forward. Take it to heart and do better. Own it, and think hard about how you treat people in all facets of your life. You very well may be offputting in other situations too if you can take a "friend" that much for granted.

5. Switch to water and soft drinks for a while. Don't drink alcohol unless you are with close friends or family. Seriously, blackout drinking is a good way to wake up dead. I work at a college and every couple of years we have one. It's really sad.

While I get where Dan's coming from on the drunk girl comment, I agre with some that it MAY have been a bit of a stretch for him to jump to such a conclusion given just the information that the caller did. THAT SAID, Dan's advice/knowledge was completely plausible because-- as a gay lady-- a similar thought occurred to me when Drunk Girl brought up the "don't understand because I'm not a lesbian" thing. So it's completely possible that it is also what the lesbian friend was referring to.

Also regardless of the whole sexual aspect of the night, what Drunk Girl did was COMPLETELY inappropriate. It is a HUGE party-foul (to put it mildly) to go out with anyone and get so pissed drunk that you a) don't remember what happened and b) are not able to take care of yourself and force that responsibility on another person. Not only that, but her "friend" doesn't sound like she was a really great friend anyway-- she was a coworker (or former coworker?) who, by the sound of it, was really just an acquaintance who got saddled with way too much responsibility and drama for what should have been a light and fun night with a coworker and some friends. That aspect of the whole thing alone-- even without the puke and the inappropriate sexual conduct-- should have been enough to make Drunk Girl feel absolutely ashamed and remorseful and realize that her "friend" was ABSOLUTELY not out of line by calling her on her shit. In fact, Drunk Girl should be thanking her "friend" for taking such good care of her. A lot of people are not that considerate and might have just left her to her own devices at the end of the night.

Dan, I'd love a longer show and don't mind ads! Why not have an ad free pay show and a longer ad based show? I want more content, but I'm just not willing to pay for it other than listening to you tell me about adam and eve (whom I have bought from and used your code).

Hey everyone. I am SO glad to hear that most of you are enthusiastic about the new MAGNUM version of the show. You who read and write comments here are our most treasured listeners. Please keep the feedback coming.
To answer some questions, it will not be housed on iTunes (although you'll be able to play the purchased audio on iTunes, among other players.) The show will indeed be the shorter (Micro) version of the Lovecast plus added awesome content. A lot more content. And no ads. If you like ads, (freak) or at least the promo codes, you'll still be able to find them in the text on the new site.
Not very many podcasters are doing this, so we're kind of stumbling in the dark. But we're gonna give you what you want eventually, and give it to you good. Sorry about that. You know what I mean.
Again, keep the feedback and suggestions coming.

I don't understand Dan's constant need to defend cheating. It stems from an entirely selfish place that says, "Sorry, I wanted what I wanted in the moment when I wanted it, and instead of consulting you about it or bringing it up before doing anything, I decided to take action and let the chips fall where they may."

This is, at best, a betrayal of trust; at worst, it shows complete disregard for the partner's feelings and/or a sadistic desire to "fool" them. If someone decides to cheat on their partner, they need to understand what's at risk, and what Dan says in this podcast sounds an awful lot like victim-blaming, not to mention a slam on anyone who has enough self-confidence and wherewithal to leave a cheating partner.

If you feel like you want or need to cheat, TELL YOUR PARTNER. Their answer may surprise you, and it's a hell of a lot easier to have that pre-cheating conversation—which offers both parties an opportunity to discuss their (perhaps unmet) sexual wants and needs in a non-angry setting—than it is to bring it up after being caught.

oh no, I don't want to miss out on the longer version of the show! i don't mind the ads... make it 3 or 4 ads, and a longer show, who cares about the ads, they're short and painless and Dan is voicing them! i just don't want to pay for my podcasts. maybe i'm just a cheapo, but i listen to so many, if i started paying for all.. please please stranger staff, stay free...

seriously who cares about the ads? longer would of course be better, but put that ads in at the same ratio thats how they get paid wtf?

To echo some of the comments here, that was the best podcast in a while. Dan was just on- the advice, the rants, and the deserved lambasted of the oblivious drunk straight girl. Awesome show.

I'm with everybody who doesn't mind the ads: they rule! I'll pay gladly but you have to make it ridiculously easy for me because I can't learn anything. Seriously, I've learned all I can learn. Now is the time for me to forget stuff I learned. Also, I don't have any platforms and I don't know what platforms even are. I just have an ancient desktop. I don't have a phone. I don't have a tablet. I don't have a pod. I don't have a pad. I don't have anything; I don't know anything; I can't do anything. Please don't make me have anything or know anything or do anything other than go to thestrangerdotcom and find the picture of the button that says podcast and move the mouse around until the little picture of the hand is on top of the picture of the button that says podcast and push the button on the mouse, ahhhh there is the familiar music, life just got 100% more liveable and it only took one click! Okay thanks.

(Marmer, can't you and I agree about anything? I think if drunken barfin' flashin' masher girl can understand what she did wrong and express genuine contrition and make amends, she can be forgiven. I don't think she has to understand what was so terrible about what she did immediately--barfed-on girl will understand that it's painful to learn that you were horrible to someone and that you have it in you to be a huge obnoxious bigot. It's only reasonable that it might take more than 24 hours to accept something like that about yourself so that you can apologize genuinely. Drunken barfin' flashin' masher girl is doing pretty much what estranged dad from our earlier, highly diverting (for me...) argument was doing: taking only half-assed responsibility for what he did wrong and expecting to be forgiven anyway. And per you, HE should've been forgiven forever ago. I think there's a chance Drunky can get forgiveness, especially if she gets the barfed-on girl to listen to the podcast and read all the comments so that she knows all Savagedom is on her side.)

dan often annoys me, but in this i'm right with him - 'cheating', or whatever drama, doesn't have to spell the end. if it was worth anything, it's worth dealing with your emotions, and getting over it.
or, to put it a different way, if you're going to leave because they slept with someone else, you never loved them anyway.

As a poor, poor college student, while I enthusiastically welcome the idea of a longer podcast, the pay system may be a bit hard for me, even if it is a $1 or less (unless it was 50 cents or less, I could swing that).
A few alternatives:
1) release two versions of the longer podcast, one with no ads for the price you are contemplating, and one with 6-8 ads for us poor folk . This way, those who can afford it will be more likely to choose the paid system because it is worth the cost to avoid listening to those many ads. For those of us who can't afford it, the ads will serve as a suitable penalty/ payment.

2. Use a pay system like This American Life in which every new show is free for 1 week till the next show comes out, after that the old show cost $1.99. You could use a modified version in which the longer show will be free for the first 1-2 days, with ads, then after that it is only the pay version, with no ads. This would again incentivize those who can afford it to buy the pay version because of the ad issue.

3. Use the other pay system by This American Life or Radio Lab; they used a one time fee ($2-$3), which purchased an app from which all new content was then available with no extra cost.

Thanks, and I really look forward to 90 minutes of Savage Love(cast)!

I'm going to make Dan's closing rant to the vominatrix my ring tone. Brilliant.

And "who put a nickel in me today'. Ha!

Chris Anderson, author of Free, had an interesting take on the shorter/paid - longer/free issue when he released his book, "Free", a few years ago. The unabridged audiobook was free, and 15 hours. The abridged audiobook was a normal audiobook price. His rationale was that the shorter book had two big benefits: 1) saved the listener time and 2) had the benefit of the author's careful editing to maximize value of the shorter version.

As much as I love the podcast, I don't think I can find time for another 45 minutes a week. The ads don't bother me at all -- glad some sex positive businesses are able to hitch a ride to a friendly audience and provide an income for Dan, Nancy and the TSARY. I just hope that the shorter version represents a 'greatest hits' of the week.

For a guy who got laid the previous night, DS certainly seemed to have an extra edge in this one. Enjoyed it, but just sayin.....

I have to say, Dan's response to the Oblivious McDrunkerson made me way happier than it should have. Happy enough that I listened to it three times. There was just so many layers of oblivious and awful in that girl (and I think Dan was more right than wrong in his assessment of what really happened that night).

There is one thing that Drunky did right though, and that was call Dan. I agree with the above commenter that "You'll never understand because you're not X" is rarely true, but the thing is, the lesbian friend is allowed to feel offended (and tell her friend she was offended) and is not under any obligation to explain all the ins and outs as to why Drunky was so offensive. It's hard to explain and confront privilege every goddamn day. Some days you don't have the energy for it because you've spent all morning cleaning someone else's puke out of your bed.

So when you've offended someone and they can't or won't explain why, what are you, privileged wannabe ally, to do? You do what this girl did (though she was seeking vindication and not explanation). You find a disinterested 3rd party and ask them what happened. You poke around on the internet for awhile. You avail yourself of your own intelligence and logic. You act like a big kid and take care of your own shit.

Also, dont ever say "I'm sorry if you were offended." Apologize for *being offensive.* Jesus christ.

Ms Sappho - There's a difference between a supportive Doesn't Have to Be the End and a judgey-blamey Shouldn't Be the End. I'll grant that the bragflation in which many LWs and callers coat their relationships earns them a good bit of the judgey-blamey when they don't back it up. But your conclusion is a bit too sweeping a generalization for my agreeing with its universal application.

Even if you mean it very strictly about leaving entirely because of an act of infidelity without other pertinent circumstances (such as the cheater cheating with one's best friend or parent, or the cheater being a Family Values politician of a particularly hypocritical bent), where's the (broadly generalized) tipping point? Three times? Ten? A full-blown affair?

I suspect I'd agree with you most of the time, but I'd still want to give each case an individual look.

About the black out druck girl, I don't disagree with Dan, but he's missing one point.

I think her biggest mistake that night was getting so completely drunk in the first place. The fact is, once you've lost control of yourself, chances of being a complete asshole have increased a thousandfold. If Dan Savage or maybe myself were to get black out drunk, who knows if we might not end up doing something that our thinking minds and our consciences would be aghast at. The simple answer is that, if you drink for pleasure, don't do it to get smashed. You can nurse a buzz for hours. You're less likely to regret it.

I'm a little surprised that the people she was with didn't try to stop her drinking. But maybe they were drunk too? Personally, if I saw somebody completely losing control of themselves, I would try to stop them from hurting themselves.Not trying to blame the victim here. The other girl was not responsible for the caller. But it does seem that this whole scenario would have been avoided if getting shit-faced wasn't considered a regular way to socialize in North America. (I've noticed that in the UK people can spend a lot of time in a pub with buddies, but they just sip away at their drinks instead of gulping it all down.)

I think the caller was a total asshole, but I tend to be a little more lenient towards her for being an asshole, and a whole heck of a lot harsher on her for getting to the point where she lost all her inhibitions. Those inhibitions would likely have kept her selfishness at bay, and allowed her to pick up on the social cues that she was being wildly inappropriate.

In my eyes she *could* have redeemed herself if she had apologised sincerely and withour reservation. And then promised to NEVER get blackout drunk again in her life. Unfortunately, she chose to, in her sober state, subtely endorse the hurtful behaviour she had engaged in while drunk. Her apology won't be sincere until she admits that the behaviour described was inappropriate.

@ cousine the comment about the estranged father. Are you referring to the gay father who was estranged from his very angry daughter? Because the drunk oblivious straight girl and the gay dad are as different as night and day in how they approached their bad behaviour. The dad sounded genuinely contrite. What he did was bad and he recognized it and he wanted to make amends in whatever way is possible to his daughter so that she could forgive him.
The drunk straight girl had not apologized and seemed completely oblivious to her bad behaviour. Frankly, it sounded like she felt like she didn't have to apologize for anything. Those two are not even in the same ballpark for how they approach their wrondoings.

#36 cousine: I'm glad you found our earlier exchanges diverting. I pretty much said my piece then so I'm not going to go back over that. I do think that the standard of regard and behavior between parents and adult children is, absent abuse or neglect, rather higher than it is between co-worker acquaintances. But I will agree with you on this: in the case of the drunk girl, perhaps a well-considered apology after a reasonable period of reflection might be well received. It may well be worth a shot. I just think that the co-worker (barfee) might simply think that all the drama is not worth it if she doesn't already have some time and emotion invested in a friendship. I would certainly put up with a lot more dumb, annoying stuff from someone I was already friends with than I would from someone who I sorta knew from work. Full disclosure: in college a friend of my roommate got drunk and barfed on our carpet. It smelled HORRIBLE for days, it was almost impossible to sleep there regardless of how much cleaning we did. I didn't really know the guy very well although my roommate and I were close. But I never respected that guy again or ever made him feel welcome again, and what the caller did, was, in my opinion, far, far worse and maybe from the point of view of the barfee, inexcusable.

I swear, I listened to the podcast, and there's nothing new I could contribute here, but I needed to do a PSA:

Are you a Dan-fan? Do you want to laugh you ass off? Get on the internet machine, and look for the podcast "My Brother, My Brother and Me" episode 146, available on the Maximum Fun podcast.

So. Fucking. Good.

What do you get when you cross Dan Savage with the McElroy brothers? Busted at work for laughing too hard.

I'm right there with you, Fancy's Pants.

This bitch who can't hold her liquor and who had the righteous indignation to call in - EXPOSE YOURSELF! Who are you? Where were you raised? Should not have needed to call in to know you were wrong as two left shoes. You should have hired a maid to clean her house, buy some new sheets and gave her a Target Gift Card or something. Da hell is wrong with you? If I were her, I'd beat your ass, straight up. Now run go tell that, you inconsiderate cunt. You make real women look bad. Now get out of the mirror and start taking responsibility for your actions! Ugh! I have never been this upset over a caller.

To those that want a longer podcast but want it to be free with more ads... how do you know that advertisers are knocking down the Lovecast's doors trying to get in? I doubt the existing sponsors will pay double to get a second airing. So that means new sponsors will have to come on to support the added production and bandwidth for the longer show. And if you listen to podcasts like I do, you realize the pool of potential sponsors is small. Squarespace, Extreme Restraints, Adam and Eve, Audible, that's about it. The only perennial sponsor of podcasts I haven't heard from on the SLC is GoToMeeting (probably not a good fit) and the ProFlowers/Sherri's Berries company (who I have never used, but I have not heard good reviews of). All the top podcasts I listen to (TAL, Maron, Nerdist, TWiT, MaximumFun) fight over the attention of these few sponsors. And who knows if these or other companies are willing to sponsor an explicit podcast like this.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to pay something for all this content; I look forward to hearing Dan every week. And hey, bonus episodes would be fun too. Keep up the good work!

@ 41, vennominon - what i'm saying is that while there are many good reasons to give up on a relationship, the 'sex with other' is likely to be either a symptom of something else (fixable or not) or a random act, apropos of nothing, and not worth scuttling the boat over. other things: lying, lack of consideration for others, conflicting values... these usually spell the end, and may coincide, or be revealed by the 'sex with other'. but the sex, in itself? not worth leaving over.

I am often conflicted over the "you aren't 'X' so you don't understand" comment.

On the one hand, yes, if you take that as a hard line they will never begin to understand because you are writing them off as not being able to.

On the other hand, it is often true. A person can come to understand BETTER or a little more clearly, but there are some things that you just don't understand if you haven't experienced them.

A man will never understand what it is like to be a woman. A white person will never really understand what it means to be a black person in America. And a straight person will never understand what it is to grow up gay in straight society.

They all may gain greater understanding with effort, and can certainly develop a good deal of empathy, but even people who grow up identical have a hard to fully understanding the experiences of others.

I think the key is to keep in mind that it's OK if we don't all really understand each other. What matters is how we treat each other.

I don't need straight people to understand what it is to be gay. In fact what I need is the opposite. For them to realize that they don't understand it, because most of the issues I have with straight people tend to come around when they incorrectly think they do understand, and so think they are qualified to make some kind of pronouncement about being gay that clearly demonstrates they don't get it.

Sorry, but no matter how empathetic, caring, concerned, and supportive a straight person is they will never know what it is like to grow up gay. Even if they spent a year pretending to be gay and being treated by others as if they were gay they would never understand what it is like to grow up gay, knowing they are different, being inundated by messages that they are sick or sinful, and living in an environment when even their closest family doesn't understand what they are going through. They will never understand the amount of effort and energy, stress and anguish of having to monitor every thing you say, every glance of your eyes, every reaction to prevent being discovered.

Hell, even a lot of gay people don't really understand the extent of it until they actually stop doing it, which is another thing a straight person will never really understand.

They may get the concepts, and may be sympathetic to it, but if you have to live it to actually understand.

But that's OK as long as that lack of understanding doesn't become an excuse or motivation for being a dick.

I get not liking to say "You wouldn't understand", but sometimes it is just the truth.

Dan: If the advertisers are on board, I would be happy to listen to twice the adverts in order to access the 'Lovecast Magnum' without paying an extra user fee. I've never found the ads in the podcast annoying.

See, I'm just thinking how would it feel if somebody came to your house and got invasive and rapey and turned your bedroom into a superfund site and didn't clean it up and afterward refused to apologize--snottily--and wanted YOU to apologize and you called them out on it and they were all clueless (snottily so) and then out of the blue a week or two later you found out they got schooled? Say along with replacing your sheets they wrote you a long letter or called you crying their head off and explained slowly and carefully and completely what happened so that you knew they really understood their past horribleness--really learned something and really would be a better person henceforth? How would that feel? That would feel really good. You'd think: because of me there's now one less bigot afflicting the planet! And because I stood up for myself and called her on her crap, that person's life is going to be better, now.

Can someone please tell me how to get into the foot fetish modeling business? That shit sounds dope as hell. And I have super-cute feet. But it seems like simply posting an ad on Craigslist would be pretty sketchy. In short, how does one get a foot madam/pimp?

To the Dan on the puker:
GET SOME! Fuck that bitch.

On the idea of a paid version of the podcast: I do not mind the ads, but I would definitely pay for a double-length show, providing I could still download it onto my iPod, which is how I listen to podcasts.

As a lesbian - THANK YOU!!! Sometimes when I go to parties, a drunk straight woman will come up to me & try to get me to make out with her to impress her straight boy friend. I am not a prop, & I AM NOT YOUR SEX TOY. I am always super mean to those girls, & I can see 'em coming a mile away. I already have a girl friend, I have a low sex drive, I'm picky, I don't like straight girls, & LESBIAN DOES NOT MEAN BISEXUAL.

I'm OK with ads, and I'm OK with paying a little. Just please please make it easy for us tech challenged folk. And by that I mean - it's not easy until a *tech challenged person* says it's easy. The tech savvy have a different definition of 'easy'.

@59: I used to identify as bi and I guess maybe I still am sorta kinda a little. When the moon is full and mercury is retrograde. But I STILL never liked that BS. Lesbian doesn't mean bi, and bi doesn't mean "please use me to arouse a third party and then leave."

@32, I agree completely.

Something the caller didn't mention is if his wife admitted to having done something like this before. What he'll never know is whether or not it would have gone further if he hadn't walked in and whether or not she would have attempted to hide it from him. The issue isn't whether or not he will make a big deal out of a sex encounter/act but whether or not he can rebuild his trust in his wife, whether or not he can believe that she would have told him, that she wouldn't have gone farther, that she hasn't done something like this before, and that she won't do it again in the future. No one wants to be in a relationship where they can't trust their partner to honor boundaries they both agreed to.

I agree that cheating shouldn't necessarily be a terminatable offense itself, even though it usually reveals lots of other issues, healthy communication not the least of them. But I think Dan's wrong to focus it all on the act of sex because it's not about sex, it's about selfishly and knowingly betraying the trust of a partner. A couple can have much more "evolved" and flexible ideas about sex, they could be swingers or poly or cuckhold fetishists and there will always be boundaries and an understanding of what is and is not okay, and if that trust is betrayed, it's not about one person being overly concerned about sex (I agree that tactic is totally victim blaming).

Further, I very much disagree with the idea that cheating on the sly is okay because it's "better for the relationship," that only means it's better for one person in the relationship since they don't have the decency, apparently, to consult their supposed partner about a relationship that affects them both equally and instead want to carry on what works best for them and is easiest for them. It's based on their fear of the consequences of their actions, a fear that didn't deter them when it mattered.

If the "good of the relationship" wasn't an important factor in the beginning enough for you to be openly communicative about your desires and/or issues with your relationship before betraying your partner's trust, don't act like it's a good reason to turn your partner into an unsuspecting doormat because you don't want to have to grovel in apology to save a relationship you profess to be taking a bullet for, that's doing an even more fucked up thing than blaming the victim, it's turning yourself into one and turning the victim into the bad guy.