Womenssssssssssssss rightssssss are human rightssssssss.
Women'ssssssssssssss rightssssss are human rightssssssss. Snowleopard1 / Getty Images

Missouri Republican candidate for Senate Courtland Sykes drew ire this week for, among other bizarre insults, accusing feminists of having "nasty, snake-filled heads." Oh, Courtland. If only it were so. Can you even imagine? Here's what we could do if feminists really had heads full of snakes:

(1) First of all, street harassment would no longer be an issue.

(2) The next time someone says they don't believe in equal pay?


...and you instantly win the argument!

(3) The snakes on (in?) our heads could be friends with the snakes on (in?) our friends' heads, which is just a nice thing to think about.

(4) Just want to read in a bar and keep getting hit on?


...and you will be too scary to talk to!

(5) Super easy Medusa costume for Halloween.

(6) Feeling lonely? Let a snake crawl down and sit quietly on your shoulder. Instant companionship!

(7) Want to impress a date? Let a snake crawl down and sit quietly on your shoulder. Instant eccentricity!

(8) Super easy way to curry favor with your designer friends. ("The hot, rarified accessory for spring is snakes in your head!")

(9) Going to a protest? Double your signage by having the snakes carry 'em!

(10) Cooking? Let the snakes be your sous-chefs!

I know we careerist banshees are supposed to feel bad that an ignorant conservative man thinks we have heads full of snakes, but what can I say? Seems super useful, and I only wish it were true. Anyway, who wants to join my snake habitat/coven where we sit around and support each other's ambitions while practicing our demon-summoning chants, hexing men, and plotting the rise of matriarchy? Or as I, a hell-bent she-devil, like to call it: Saturday. Ha-ha, just kidding! (Or am I?)