I look forward to the return of record covers from the '80s -- offensive, ridiculous covers that perfectly advertise the music inside. Mötley Crüe, Warrant, Skid Row, Iron Maiden -- I don't miss their music, but I miss their artwork.
I long for the good old days.
Fashion is a circle, and bimbos are about to make a triumphant return. You can just feel it. I, for one, welcome the return with open arms. Thank Irony for that. Every look, every fashion is like herpes -- it flares up, then lies dormant for a while.
As I write this, the Teen Choice Awards are on TV. Blink 182 is playing, and they're horrible. But watching them, I think about their record, Enema of the State. One look at the cover -- a slutty porn star in a nurse's uniform -- and I know exactly what to expect from Blink 182.
It used to be that the best advertising for a record (other than radio play) was its cover. This was before MTV, back when cover art was like the Dewey Decimal System, making a band easily categorizable.
Enema of the State is a return to those days. It's like Cherry Pie. It's Girls, Girls, Girls! -- I know, even without listening, that I'm not gonna like it. And there's comfort in that.
Still, I doubt Blink 182's motives were decided by irony. Watching them on the Teen Choice Awards, they seem to be irony-retardant -- there is a sincerity behind what they're playing. They are very sincere about having fun, living the lifestyle of "rock and/or rollers." Which makes their record cover all the more endearing.
The beauty of the bimbo cover is the sheer joy behind it. A big-busted blonde in absurd surroundings perfectly showcases what being a rock star stands for. When I left high school, I immediately denounced the exploitation of women. Now I enjoy it. I want the return of big-boobed women. I want wet T-shirts.
Hair metal had the scene right, even if the music was so terribly wrong. Rock is supposed to be about reckless abandon. Indie rock and alternative rock are about emotions -- moping and deep thoughts about life, and moping about those deep thoughts -- but pure rock, silly rock (and there isn't really much difference) is about fun.
Bimbos are fun.
Rock bands with bimbos on the cover are fun bands.
Pavement's Slanted & Enchanted is a great indie rock record -- maybe the greatest. But it has one of the worst covers I've ever seen. Indie rock needs to go away for a while. The arrival of bimbo covers signals a change in the tide, which means in 10 years or so, indie rock will rise again.
Like herpes.
Until then, we can look forward to a resurgence of bad '80s rock (particularly Heavy Metal 2, which is currently in production). We can look forward to fun again. Blink 182, Kid Rock, Limp Bizkit; they're just the beginning. The future means Mötley Crüe and Poison reborn under new names, on labels like Sub Pop and Kill Rock Stars. Then new labels can form, new indie bands can start making the rounds.
And a bimbo shall lead them.
