THE QUICK, anonymous blowjob has been a staple of higher learning ever since Plato blew Socrates in that cave. Whether you're a full-time homo hunting for quick-time fun or just a horny het boy willing to let some random guy bob on your wiener while you fantasize about Colleen from Survivor, your campus has a venue to serve your speedy blowjob needs.


The University of Washington, Seattle Central Community College, and Seattle University all have full-service gymnasiums equipped with full-service locker rooms, which are frequently stocked with full-service men. Locker room tomfoolery has its up and downs. On the up side, the gym sex dating pool is likely to be populated by men who are at least somewhat interested in their health and physical appearance. On the down side, the gym's likely to be polluted by at least a few fuddy-duddy rat finks who will waste no time in reporting your sexy ass to gym authorities, thereby ruining your chances of ever using gym facilities for any reason again.


For expedient, no-strings, stress-busting student orgasms, nothing can compare to a properly situated collegiate men's room. While both Seattle U and SCCC no doubt have several such rooms, the bustling men's room scene at the University of Washington is so renowned that students (and student lovers) from around the area would be wise to haul their butts to the U Dub, pronto.

The University of Washington men's room scene is actually a triumvirate, consisting of Smith Hall, Kane Hall, and, last but certainly not least, the Suzzallo Library. In Smith, the primo spot is the third-floor bathroom, just across from the Department of History and the undergraduate advising office. Here willing suckers sit in the stalls, peering through makeshift peepholes that look out onto the row of urinals where willing suckees stand, and, in the lingo of the attendant graffiti, "show it hard!" For the sake of both modesty and good common sense (bathroom busts are a fact of life), suckers and suckees usually complete their business in one of the stalls, keeping an ear out for new entrants from the outside atrium. (It would be a shame to wreck a promising scholastic career for the sake of fellatio-on-the-fly.)

The blowjob-dispensing bathroom of the illustrious Kane Hall (located on Floor B) offers basically the same setup as Smith, only without the luxury of peepholes. Instead, suck hunters communicate via the makeshift Morse code of foot tapping, a crude language based on the assumption that anyone who taps their foot while seated on a toilet wants to suck your dick. As with Smith Hall, stalls are where the action happens, and smart suck sluts keep a constant watch on the door.

Lastly we come to the Suzzallo Library. The basement men's room here is a veritable mecca for scores of quick-blowjob-seeking pilgrims each day. The key to Suzzallo's appeal is its location: at the bottom of a winding, echoey stairway that amplifies approaching footsteps from a good 20 paces. Thanks to this "early warning" system, the suck action of Suzzallo isn't relegated merely to the stalls--it happens right out in the open, as if allowing an anonymous homo to put his mouth on your fatty were the most natural thing in the world. However, the locale's renown makes it a frequent target for sex-negative policemen, so keep those eyes peeled! When in doubt, feel free to holler, "Are there any cops in here??" (Apparently it's against the law for 'em to answer in the negative.) What more can be said about Suzzallo? Suffice it to say that there haven't been this many people going down at once since the Titanic.

Some final words of wisdom for collegiate blowjob hunters:

Suckers--remember that it's the suckee's job to make the preliminary move. Don't humiliate yourself or others by offering your services to someone who may just be there to urinate. And don't let people come in your mouth; it increases your risk factor exponentially.

Suckees--remember that letting one or two or 50 fags suck your dick WON'T make you gay unless you already are. The simple fact is that fags tend to be better at and much more willing to perform oral sex than women, so lean back, enjoy, and envision who you will--collegiate blowjobs are a memory you'll treasure for the rest of your stupid, boring lives.