The reader should note that this list was compiled without the aid of references (i.e., off the top of my head), and should therefore not be considered a definitive list of what straight people might wish to thank the gays for. The reader should also note that I am very, very, VERY straight, and that any rumors to the contrary are quite obviously complete fabrications. Lastly, this list tends to lose focus as it goes along (my apologies), and therefore if the reader wishes, he/she may flip ahead to I Love Television (page 63), Savage Love (page 109), or Free Will Astrology (page 118). Thank you.
Love (in strictly the straightest sense),
Bradley Steinbacher
Thank you gays for....
1. CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE ARTS, NAMELY:
(A) Actors and/or Celebrities*
1. Rock Hudson
2. Kevin Spacey
3. Tim Curry
4. Rosie O'Donnell
5. Richard Gere
6. Tyne Daly
7. Sir Ian McKellen
8. Tom Cruise
9. Siegfried & Roy
10. Matt Damon & Ben Affleck
11. Jim Nabors
12. Jodie Foster
13. Anne Heche
14. Ellen DeGeneres
15. Charles Nelson Reilly
16. Sal Mineo
17. J. M. J. Bullock
18. Janet Reno
19. A certain pitcher for an East Coast major-league baseball team
20. Nathan Lane
21. etc.
(B) Musicians and/or Music**
1. Liberace
2. Boy George
3. George Michael
4. Elton John
5. Freddie Mercury
6. Melissa Etheridge
7. Eminem
8. Robert Smith
9. Stephin Merritt
10. The Village People
11. Rufus Wainwright
12. k. d. lang
13. Ani DiFranco
14. Little Richard
15. Dance Music
a. Techno
b. Disco
c. House
d. Drum and Bass
16. Dance Songs
a. "I Will Survive"
b. "Last Dance"
c. "Y.M.C.A."
d. the complete works of ABBA, Prince, Queen, Culture Club, Garth Brooks, and Limp Bizkit
e. "Go West"
17. Sports Anthems
a. "We Are the Champions"
b. "We Will Rock You"
c. "Baby Elephant Walk"
d. etc.
(C) Movies and/or Television Shows
1. Poison
2. Will & Grace (ongoing)
3. Ellen (canceled)
4. An Early Frost (TV movie)
5. The Birdcage
6. Cagney & Lacey (canceled)
7. Top Gun
8. The West Wing (ongoing)
9. Pee-Wee's Playhouse (canceled)
10. Queer as Folk (U.K. version)
11. Billy Elliott
12. Magnum P.I. (in syndication)
13. Silver Spoons (canceled)
14. Cruising
15. Scarface
16. Mildred Pierce
17. Benson (canceled)
18. etc.
(D) Musical Theater
1. Oklahoma!
2. Cats!
3. A Chorus Line!
4. South Pacific!
5. The Lion King!
6. Rent!
7. Aida!
8. Evita!
9. Carrie!
10. etc.
(E) Artists and/or Writers***
1. Andy Warhol (canceled)
2. Truman Capote (canceled)
3. Sappho (canceled)
4. Yukio Mishima (on occasion)
5. Dan Savage (career move)
6. Michelangelo (canceled)
7. Leonardo da Vinci (canceled)
8. Paul Monette (canceled)
9. David Sedaris (living abroad)
10. Georgia O'Keeffe (canceled)
11. That 19th-Century Woman Writer Whose Name Was "George Something" (canceled)
(F) Fashion and/or Design
1. Gap Inc.
a. Gap
(1) Gap T-shirts
(2) Gap boxer/briefs
(3) Gap khakisb. Baby Gap
c. Old Navy
d. Banana Republic
2. Pottery Barn
3. IKEA
4. The Sharper Image
5. Kenneth Cole
6. etc.
2. THE WIDER ACCEPTANCE OF HOT, SEXY SHIT IN STRAIGHT SOCIETY, NAMELY:
(A) Encouraging Straights to Be More Sexually Adventurous
1. Promiscuity
2. The exploration of various positions
3. The discovery of sensation in straight men's nipples
(B) Blowjobs and Cunnilingus
(C) Butt Play
1. The insertion of fingers therein
a. Thumb
b. Pinky
c. Index finger
d. Ring finger
e. Middle finger
2. The insertion of toys therein
a. Dildos
b. Vibrators
c. Beads
3. The insertion of other foreign objects therein
a. Cucumbers
b. Pens (once, when I was 13 and experimenting)
c. Various rodents
(D) S&M
1. Leather
2. Polyvinyl Chloride (PVC)
3. Bondage
4. Various rodents
(E) etc.
3. THE WIDER USE OF SEX-ENHANCING DRUGS, NAMELY:
1. E
2. K
3. Crystal Meth
4. Cocaine
5. Poppers
6. Cosmopolitans
7. etc.
4. LESBIANS, NAMELY:
(A) Lesbian Porn
1. Girl-on-girl
2. "Daisy chain"
(B) Bi-Curious Girlfriends
(C) Strap-on Dildos
(D) LPGA
(E) WNBA
(F) etc.
5. THE UNDERMINING OF TRADITIONAL AMERICAN FAMILY VALUES, NAMELY:
(A) Non-procreative sex
(B) Adopting unwanted children abandoned by heterosexual parents
(C) Doing their part for zero population growth (this is not an AIDS joke but a fact of reproductive biology)
(D) Various rodents (fear of social ostracism prevents straight parents from allowing their children to keep gerbils as pets)
(E) etc.
6. FRESH NEW FUNDRAISING CONCEPTS/TACTICS, NAMELY:
(A) The Dine, Dance, Walk, Run, Skip, Nap, Sing, Race, Arm-Wrestle, Stretch and/or Loosen-Up for the Cure
(B) etc.
7. CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE SERVICE INDUSTRY, NAMELY:
(A) Waiters
(B) Hairdressers
(C) Attorney General
(D) Baristas
(E) etc.
* Note: Some of the names listed may NOT, in fact, be homosexuals (Tom Cruise is NOT, as of this writing, a homosexual). The appearance on the list of certain well-known persons is due entirely to (a) the known fact that they are/were homosexuals, (b) there is a persistent rumor that may or may not be true that they are homosexual, or (c) their name looks funny on the list.
** See above
*** See above, above
