by Dina Martina
Over the last 10 years, The Stranger has been (and continues to be) the proud recipient of so many awards and suggestions. But exactly what is The Stranger? Rich in tradition and heritages, The Stranger is ribald, yet jaunty. It is the Cadillac of paper. The jewel in the Hearst crown. And it is absorbent. To me, it's easy to see why The Stranger is so close to the hill that the people at the top of that industry are on top of. I mean, what other paper is just bursting at the seams with world-class hot topics like comics and "Who's Sexy"?
Whenever I go into The Stranger offices, there's just so much hustle and bustle and it's really like you're caught in the middle of the best Melanie Griffith movie. Like, at any minute, Melanie Griffith is just going to come around the corner, carrying a document. She'll breeze right past you and then from around that very same corner, and on crutches, Sigourney Weaver emerges, quickly hobbling. But, I regress. It (The Stranger) is one of those rare things in life that is so good, you're almost afraid to partake of the delights it offers you, for fear of disturbing it's superlative beauty--kind of like an exquisite pottery, hand-jobbed by Olde Worlde Artisans, or a really good chef salad. I think everyone at The Stranger deserves a really big hand, later on at some point.
Thank you.
Dina Martina
Dear Mr. Keck:
As requested, I have concluded my analysis of your operations and staff. Here are my observations:
1. I find it striking that your publication is often labeled as "hip" or "too hip" when the vast majority of the people on your editorial staff are self-loathing, depressed, lonely drug/alcohol abusers.
2. The secret to your success as a popular publication seems to be the employment of these said self-loathing, depressed, lonely drug/alcohol abusers. As this business tactic flies so completely in the face of conventional business paradigms, I am quite frankly baffled.
3. Your offices are very messy.
4. On one of my visits to your offices, I encountered Min Liao, the managing editor of your publication, asleep beneath her desk. Perhaps you should purchase some cots?
In conclusion, I find that your publication is at best a ramshackle operation, and at worst a borderline cesspool in need of a good scrubbing with industrial disinfectant.
Sincerely,
Dr. H. William Glopnik, Ph.D.
From the Desk of Mark Sidran
AND THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO PROCLAIM YOU ABOUT
As Presented by the Office of the Mayor, Charlie Chong Presiding
"STRANGER PERIODICAL APPRECIATION DAY"
WHEREAS, I am the mayor and the mayor gets to make whatever holiday he wants, and while some people think today should be declared a holiday for Cyclops, I have figured out a way to fool the one-eyed giant, because see, he goes blind whenever he blinks, which makes it a perfect opportunity to run up his leg and steal his bag of gold; and
WHEREAS, I've noticed that QFC has stopped selling my favorite brand of Cajun salmon spread, the kind that goes really good on a slice of white toast, but Matthew Fox doesn't like it and tells me it smells like "pungent," so I think, "How would he know? He's never been to a pungent before"; and
WHEREAS, people say that Charlie Chong is a transit problem person, and I think, "Why am I the problem when I get to work just fine?" It's not MY bus blocking the West Seattle Bridge, it's not MY turn to pack the sandwich basket of progress; it's the germs that march up and down my back that tell me to tell you to STOP making such a fuss, and most of all STOP wearing those pants with all the pockets on them... what? Are you hiding something?; and
NOW, THEREFORE, I, CHARLIE CHONG, the 432nd mayor of the City of Seattle, do hereby proclaim July 16, 1898, to be "Stranger Periodical Appreciation Day" in honor of all who envisioneded and createded this wonderful periodical gazette for the entire community to experience, and which will forever symbolize beauty through cooperation and our shared future where there are plenty of the pistachios that are nationally recognized as the "nut of my people." And that's what I'm trying to proclaim you about.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I HAVE HEREUNTO SET MY HAND, THIS DAY, AND HAVE CAUSED THE SEAL TO BE AFFIXED HERETO:
Office of Mayor • City of Seattle
Dear Stranger folks:
I'm going to be honest with you guys. I hate The Stranger. I come to your Death Squad interviews, and I let Dan Savage make all his stupid jokes about annexing Vashon Island, and I laugh along when he says I look like Hoss from Bonanza, and I tell you what you want to hear (which isn't too tough to figure out: "I'm for the monorail!"), and I smile, and then I go out into the real world.
I'm glad you guys like my assistant Marco Lowe and all, but he doesn't make the decisions around here--I do. And now that I'm the mayor for the next four years, I don't have to come in and do a Stranger Death Squad interview and pretend to laugh at your idiotic jokes for the next four years.
Sure, I'll give your loud and spazzy news editor an interview from time to time, but I really don't have anything to say to him. He's against Sound Transit. I'm for Sound Transit. Sound Transit's light rail project is the centerpiece of my administration. Josh, I'm not going to change my mind on this one. Stop trying. You can buy Marco as many lunches as you want, but he doesn't make the decisions around here, I do.
Look, I know you think I owe you guys something since you endorsed me (like you want me to repeal the TDO), but get serious. Who else were you going to endorse? Sidran? Endorsing me was a no-brainer. You were stuck with me, and now you're stuck with me for four years, and probably eight. And I make the decisions around here.
Mayor Greg Nickels
P.S. My thing is much bigger than how you drew it. Ask anyone.
