As a roadie for Jewel*, my ass gets dragged to about a million hippie-dippie, culture-fuck buffets like Bumbershoot every year. Don't tell Jewel, but shit like this is way more fun when you're fucked up.

Take weed, for example. Flipping through the Bumbershoot guide, I saw about 50 FUCKING THINGS that would be super duper fun if you were baked--like modern dance. This year's dance lineup looks like a pothead's paradise, from the brainy machinations of Legendre Performance, BetterBiscuitDance, and d9 Dance Collective to the elegant freakiness of Minh Tran and the Three Yells. Plus, Pablo Cornejo's Locate Performance Group says it's gonna be using blocks of ice and high-powered movement as a metaphor for water and its eternal nature. Fuck, yeah!!!

Then there's this thing called the Marijuana-logues, which I guess is three guys telling stories about smoking pot and shit. Their press blurb has a bunch of stupid-ass puns, so this show could very well suck, but if you're baked, who cares?

As for me, there's nothing I love more than getting high as a monkey and doing crafts and shit, and Bumbershoot's got a ton of options, from Tiki God Carving to Junk Chime Jamming to a Salmon Balloon-Making Station. And there's this thing called the Bubblenocular Building. Who knows what the fuck it is, but I'm going!

If you're into the harder shit--heroin, morphine, Dilaudid--check out Circus Ballyhoo, where you can just veg out while a bunch of freaks do entertaining shit, or hang out in the Children's Museum, which is air-conditioned and should be packed with kids doing all sorts of hilarious shit. I mean it--nothing's more fun than getting all smacked up and hanging out with kids 10 and under. Trust me.

(By the way, I am so not kidding about not telling Jewel any of this. She's totally into maintaining the body's natural balance. One time a waitress accidentally brought Jewel a wine cooler instead of green tea, and Jewel pulled down her pants and took a dump right there on the restaurant floor.)

Back to drugs: Maybe your drug of choice is booze. No prob--Bumbershoot's got plenty of shit to do when you're drunk, like drum circles and open mics. For gay drunks there's something called Spinners' Wacky World of Tops, and for art-loving drunks there's Barbie @ Bumbershoot, a collection of Barbie-inspired paintings, installations, and sculptures. Say what you will about Barbie's cultural significance, when you're drunk enough, that bitch is hot.

* Mark Lamont is not really a roadie for Jewel. In fact, he has never even met Jewel or moved any piece of musical equipment in his life, for that matter. Take his advice anyway.